


turning around✔

by Becher, Pandastuff101



Series: Turning Around [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Connor Deserves Happiness, Deh - Freeform, F/M, Fluff, M/M, alternate universe is actually alternate universe, alternate universe-connor survives, connor survives, meta. fucking meta., soulmate, treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-01 09:01:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 56,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10918611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Becher/pseuds/Becher, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandastuff101/pseuds/Pandastuff101
Summary: Treebros Soulmate Au.  Everyone has a soulmate, but the trouble is, the only way to find them is to kiss them. Evan Hansen...well, Evan Hansen is Evan Hansen. Friendless, nervous, and totally crushing on one Zoe Murphy. Connor Murphy is the school freak, always alone and always forgotten.





	1. ONE

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, so the first chapter has a lot of direct quotes from the show. This will be the only one, because this is the chapter where canon takes a new course. *whispers* please don't sue me....all rights to Pasek & Paul/Levenson, the writers and creators.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the theory of evolution by natural selection, first formulated in darwin's book "on the origin of species" in 1859, is the process by which organisms change over time as a result of changes in heritable physical or behavioral traits.  
> -livescience.com

_Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here's why: because-_ because _today all you have to do is just be yourself. And also confident. That's important. And interesting, like easy to talk to, approachable, but mostly be yourself that's like...the number one thing. Also don't worry about your hands getting sweaty for no reason because that's totally not going to happen. Like last year at Jazz band when you were totally going to talk to Zoe and be all cool and stuff but then you started worrying that your hands were sweaty, and then they_ did _get sweaty and so you put them under the hand dryer, but then they were hot_ and _sweaty, and you started freaking out because that was really gross and if Zoe noticed she would never kiss you and if you never kissed she would never realize that you were soulmates-because that's totally not going to happen._

Evan stared at the page, not feeling the least bit calmed down. Because, oh man, what if his hands _did_ get sweaty like the time at the jazz band concert? That would be just his luck: first day of senior year, and he would start off with a new nickname: sweaty hands. Or something like that.

He heard footsteps in the hall, and Evan closed his computer lid a second before his mother entered.

"Evan? Are you ready for school?" Heidi tightened her ponytail, grinning. She was wearing her nurse uniform, which was light blue and covered with cartoon cows and pigs. These days, it was pretty much the only outfit Evan ever saw her in.

"Yeah. I'm just-"

His mother saw his computer, and her eyes widened, "Oh! Have you been writing those letters to yourself? ' _Dear Evan Hansen today is going to be a good day, and here's why_?' Those will help you know. Build your confidence!"

Evan forced a pained smile, "Yeah. I started one. I'll finish it at school."

Heidi ruffled his hair, "I'm proud of you already. Get dressed or else you'll be late."

Her hand lingered for a moment, her eyes a little sad.

"Mom?" Evan asked hesitantly.

Heidi's hand dropped, and she smiled, "Right. Hey, maybe you can ask some of the kids to sign your cast! That would be the perfect conversation starter, right?"

She plucked a sharpie from the cup on the top of Evan's dresser, and held it out to him. He took it reluctantly, and put it in his pocket.

"Thanks, mom."

She nodded, "Sure, sweetie. I'll be in the car, hurry up."

Evan could have sung, relieved as he was. If his mom was dropping him off at school, it meant he didn't have to take the bus. The bus was one of Evan's worse nightmares, right next to water parks and clowns.

Heidi left, and Evan quickly threw on a blue polo shirt with white stripes. Well, quickly being a relative thing. He had picked it out last night, so he only spent five minutes debating whether it was a good choice rather than the usual thirty.

Evan unscrewed the cap on his anxiety medication just as his mother honked the horn. He dropped the bottle, and scrambled to pick it up. He swallowed the medicine, wincing. Evan hated taking pills, they always made him feel queasy.

Quickly, he grabbed his bag and jogged downstairs. Evan couldn't help but hope that today might really be a good day.

=~=

Evan was at his locker, pretending to be getting all his books and folders in order. In reality, he was watching the other students. They made it look so easy...the way they moved and talked and interacted with each other was so fluid it made Evan feel like a robot in comparison.

A light tap on his shoulder startled Evan from his people-watching, and he looked up to see the smiling face of a girl about his own age.

"Hey! How was your summer?" she said, so brightly Evan felt like a light-bulb was flashing in his face. Combined with her smile, he found himself almost blinking in her light. He looked around briefly, just to make sure she was actually talking to him and not an ant crawling by or something. There was nobody-human or eusocial insects-around for her to be talking to but him.

Evan opened his mouth to speak, but the girl cut him off immediately.

"Mine was productive," she confided with an affirming nod, "I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know, wow."

Evan smiled nervously, "Oh, that's great wo-"

"Even though I was so busy," the girl interrupted, as though it didn't even register that he had been speaking. Evan was beginning to wonder if this girl hadn't just picked him at random, and whether it would've made any difference to her is he was a plant or a locker. "I still managed to make some great friends. Or, well, _acquaintances._ " She put a lot of emphasis on the last word, even nodding a little to herself as she said it.

Evan was confused by this girl, to say the least, but heck, she was _talking_ to him. He could count on one hand how many times someone in his grade had started a real conversation with him, outside of, "Can I use your pencil?"

"T-That's great, do you maybe want to like-I don't know your-" Evan was going to say _'I don't know your name'_ but quickly decided that would probably not be the best route. I mean, what if she knew _his_ and got super offended that they didn't have a mutual name knowledge, and never talked to him again? How mortifying. "Would you maybe want to sign my cast?" he fished into his pocket for the Sharpie his mother had given him earlier, trying to control his hands from shaking.

The girl gasped sympathetically, "Oh my gosh what happened to your arm?"

"It's actually a funny story, I fell out of a tree and broke it-"

Her arms dropped to her side, and she pouted, "Really? My grandmother broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. The doctors said that was the beginning of the end, because then she died."

Evan's jaw dropped, and he felt like he should say _'I'm sorry?'_ or something along that line, but the girl didn't seem to upset by the fact.

"Well, happy first day!" she said, unceremoniously turning on her heels and leaving Evan by himself, holding a Sharpie out loosely in his hand like it was a gift to Caspar the ghost or something.

He didn't even get her name. What a great start.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off to much or do you consider that an honor?"

Evan's face grew hot, and his eyes snapped over to find Jared, who was, sadly, the closest friend he had, as he sauntered down the hall towards him, not caring who heard what he had just said.

"Wh-no! I wasn't-I wasn't doing that!"

Jared spread his hands wide like he was smoothing the wrinkles out of a piece of paper, "Paint me the picture. You're in your bedroom, you've got Zoe Murphy's Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell-phone-"

Evan glanced around to make sure no one was looking at them. He was surprised to find not a single person was glancing their way. He was sure he had felt their eyes burning holes into the back of his head.

"Shh." he hushed, "that's not what happened. I was just-I was climbing a tree, and I fell."

Jared stopped pretending to scroll through his air phone, and looked up at Evan with his eyebrow raised. After a second, he laughed, realizing that Evan was completely serious.

"You fell out of a tree?" he chuckled in disbelief, "What are you, like, an acorn?"

Evan winced, "Well I was-I don't know if you know this but I worked this summer at Elision State Park, as a sort of assistant park ranger. I'm sort of a tree expert now, I mean, not to brag." he laughed, but Jared didn't get the joke. Evan cleared his throat and continued, "Um, anyways, I tried to climb this forty foot tall oak tree-"

"And then you fell?"Jared laughed. Sure, he found _that_ funny,

"Well it's actually kind of a funny story because there was a solid ten minutes after I fell where I just lay there on the ground, waiting for someone to come-to come get me. I just kept repeating to myself, _'they'll come, any minute now. Any minute.'_ " Evan licked his bottom lip, and ducked his head. Jared's hands flexed on the straps of his bag as he waited in vain for Evan to continue.

"So did they?" he prompted eventually.

Evan shook his head, "No nobody came, that-that's what's funny."

"Jesus Christ." Jared breathed, giggling like an idiot.

Evan nodded, and pulled at the hem of his shirt, "Yeah, um, I was-what did you do this summer?"

Jared shifted his weight to his left leg, placing a hand on his hip and raising his hand to count off the ways his summer was awesome on his fingers.

"Well my bunk dominated in capture the flag, and I got to second base below the bra with this girl from Israel who's going to be in the army...so. Yeah. If that answers your question." he waved his hand around Evan's face.

"S-Soulmates?" Evan asked curiously, wondering who would be unlucky enough to be Jared's soulmate. Actually, they would still have it better off than his...though Evan had an idea who he would very much like his soulmate to be.

Jared scoffed, "The Israel girl? Nah, no way. And we did _a lot_ of kissing, so I would know, if you're picking up what I'm picking down."

Evan forced a laugh, and mimed picking up something. He promptly hit his non-injured arm on his locker door, and yelped. Jared sighed, and began to walk away. Evan stopped him, fishing the sharpie out of his pocket once more.

"Hey, do you want to sign my cast?"

Jared turned, "Why would I do that?"

Evan blushed. Would it be possible that, for just one second, he wasn't the epitome of lameness?

"I just thought, since we were friends and stuff-"

Jared held up his hand, effectively cutting Evan off.

"Let me stop you right there. We're _family_ friends. That's like a whole different game and you know it. I only hang out with you so my parents will keep paying for my car insurance." he clapped Evan on the shoulder, and he winced as the jolt moved down to his injured arm, "Speaking of which, be sure to tell your mother I was nice to you."

Evan nodded, ducking his head to hide his stinging eyes. Maybe this day wasn't going to be so great, after all. Behind him, Jared called to someone down the hall.

"Hey Connor! Loving the haircut, very school-shooter chic."

Evan rolled his eyes. Forget the improbability of him having a normal moment without social awkwardness, because it seemed one hundred percent _impossible_ for Jared to have one moment void of him being a total dick.

Evan turned around to see Connor Murphy in the flesh standing a few feet away. The guy was even more of a walking shadow then Evan. While Evan radiated what he and his mother both liked to think of as 'lovable social quirks', Connor was just _sketchy._ Personally, Evan had no beef with him. Connor was the brother of his future soulmate, after all, but their classmates couldn't quite forget the time Connor threw a printer at a teacher because he didn't get to be the line leader.

Connor was quiet, staring at Jared with an expression that seemed to say he couldn't decide between throttling him or telling him off for wearing shorts and a t-shirt in September, when it was _obviously_ cold enough for everyone else to be bundled up in pants and sweatshirts.

Jared rolled his hand as if doing that would help Connor catch on faster, "I was kidding. It's a joke."

"Yeah, no, it was funny. See, I'm laughing, can't you tell? I'm _sorry_ , am I not laughing _hard_ enough for you?" he took a threatening step towards Jared, who backed away, chuckling nervously.

"You're such a freak."

Connor's eyes blazed with fury, and Evan coughed. Yes, he coughed. Immediately, the Murphy's eyes snapped up to glare at him.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

"W-what?"

"Stop fucking laughing at me!"

"But I'm not-"

Connor advanced on Evan, his satchel bag swinging with every step. Evan dearly wished he could run away, but his feet were glued to the spot.

"You think I'm a freak? I'm not the freak!"

Evan winced, "But I wasn't-"

"You're the fucking freak!" Connor growled, putting two hands on Evan's chest and shoving him to the ground before sprinting away.

The fall knocked the breath out of Evan's lungs, and for a minute, he just sat there, struggling to breathe. Alone, like before.

He leaned back against the lockers, wondering how much it would take for him to just...sink into the red metal and disappear.

 _The case of the vanishing boy: A headline no one bothers to read,_ he thought glumly.

"Hey are you alright?" a voice asked. Evan's eyes shot open. He knew that voice, knew it anywhere. He wished he were wrong, but nope. Zoe Murphy, an angel wearing a human, was leaning over him, asking if he was alright.

He wasn't.

"I'm sorry about my brother, I saw him push you, he's a psychopath. Evan, right?"

Dear Lord, she wanted an answer. Evan's tongue felt too big for his mouth. How do you work words, again?

He blinked, "Evan."

He sounded like a toddler learning to speak. His words were pitched with a childish, idiotic giggle.

"That's your name, right?" Zoe asked, confused.

Evan squeezed his eyes shut, "Yes! It is, it's Evan!" he put his hand out like he was spitting the words into it, forcing them to come out so he could hand them to her, "Sorry."

"Why are you sorry?" Zoe's eyes were becoming more and more confusion clouded by the minute.

"Because you said Evan and then I said it-I repeated it-and that is just...super annoying when people do that so." he scratched his nose, and pulled the hem of his shirt down almost at the same time, the fidgety movements were so quick.

"I'm Zoe." she reached out a hand for him to shake, or maybe to help him stand, and Evan held out his hand back for a second before remembering-of course-they were probably sweaty. He wiped them on his jeans, and Zoe dropped her hand awkwardly.

"Y-Yes! I know." Evan said without thinking, blowing on his hands.

"You know?"

"N-No! It's just I've seen you play guitar in jazz band. I love jazz band," Evan realized he was pointing at a _Got Milk?_ poster and hastily dropped his arm, "I love jazz. Well, not all jazz but definitely jazz band jazz. That's...so weird I'm sorry." he ducked his head, realizing this was definitely the _last_ time Zoe Murphy was ever going to talk to him.

To his surprise, she just laughed.

"You apologize a lot."

"Sorry, I mean," he cleared his throat, "you know what I mean."

_Icebreakers, icebreakers Evan. Think of something!_

To late. Zoe waved, and began to walk away, "Well I should prob-"

"Want to sign my cast?" Evan blurted, reaching out his hand.

Zoe turned, "What?"

"What?"

"You said something."

Evan dropped his hand, awkwardly trying to shove it into his pocket so it wouldn't betray him by jumping off of his arm and crawling over to Zoe to take her hand, or something like that.

"Pshh. No, I didn't say anything, you said something."

Zoe blinked, "I should probably go."

Evan nodded furiously, "Yeah, I mean I have to get to class-"

"Bye."

"Bye." Evan mumbled, watching her walk away with a poignant sense of misery feeling his heart.

At his back, the cold metal lockers were harsh and unforgiving. They would never let him sink into them.

=~=  

Evan went down to the computer lab during his study hall period so he could print out his letter...to himself. His mother had scheduled an appointment with his therapist for after school, and Evan needed a letter as proof of participation. He had accidentally (and _somehow_ , in someway, permanently) deleted the letter he written that morning. His phone rang suddenly, and he hurried to pick it up before he could be yelled at.

"H-Hello?"

"Hi honey, it's mom. Listen, I know I was supposed to pick you up for your appointment, but I'm stuck at work. Erica called in with the flu, and I'm the only other nurse that stayed on today." Evan could hear the weariness in his mother's voice, but he still couldn't help feeling a little stung. Maybe it was selfish of him, but she had promised, after all, "So I volunteered. And also, just eat without me, I'm going from here to class. We got those _Trader Joe's_ dumplings in the freezer."

Even though Heidi couldn't see him, Evan nodded, a dejected look in his eyes.

"Maybe." he mumbled.

"Hey, did you write one of those letters yet?" Heidi asked, "Dr. Sherman's expecting you to have one. Dear Evan Hansen, today's going to be a good day, here's why..." there was an implied, _yada yada_ in her tone.

"Yeah no, I already finished it. I'm in the computer lab right now, printing it out."

His mother's voice grew a little dreamy as she asked, "Was it a good day, honey?"

Evan paused. No, it really hadn't been a good day. Or a even a mediocre day. It was a sucky day.

He couldn't tell her that, though. She had her own problems to worry about.

Instead, Evan tried to put a little bit of cheerfulness in his voice.

"It was...Yeah, it was great."

His mother laughed a little, "Great. That's great." she sighed happily, "Well, I hope it's the beginning of a great yea-oh shit, I've got to go. Love you, bye."

Evan didn't have time to mutter his goodbye before the line went dead. He sighed.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn't an amazing day after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_I know, because there's Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don't even know, and doesn't know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely,_

_Your most best, and dearest friend, Me._

Print.

Evan didn't realize he was daydreaming until someone spoke to him, and he almost had a heart attack.

"So, what happened to your arm." Connor Murphy, _the_ Connor-Why-The-Fuck-Are-You-Laughing-Murphy asked, almost nervously.

Startled, Evan looked up at him, and then back down at his cast.

"Oh, um, funny story, I fell out of a tree."

Connor stared at him in disbelief, "Well, that's just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, oh my god."

And then they were both laughing, to Evan's surprise. Evan couldn't recall the last time he had laughed, a real laugh, but Connor seemed almost surprised by the sound of his own.

"I know."

"Well, er, no one's signed your cast." Connor pointed, and Evan blushed. That was him, Friendless McGee.

"Yeah, I know." he mumbled.

Connor took a tentative step forward, "I'll sign it."

Evan was understandably confused....and a little bit wary. He half expected someone to pop out and say _Syce! Like anyone wants you as a friend!_ but it didn't happen.

"Oh, no, you don't have to."

"Do you have a sharpie?"

Evan dug it out of his pocket, still preparing himself for the jump scare even as Connor uncapped the marker and grabbed his arm, a little roughly.

"Ow."

Connor paused, looking up for just a second to look into Evan's eyes, to see if he had really hurt him. Evan found himself surprised to see that Connor's eyes were blue. The color made sense; they were the same as Zoe's, except her's had a tinge of brown around the pupil. Blue was a normal enough color for eyes, it wasn't like they were purple or anything.

But still, they were blue.

Evan didn't even realize Connor was done writing until he dropped Evan's arm. Evan looked down at his cast, swallowing. Connor had written his name in big, thin letters, leaving no space for any future signings to be possible.

"Oh, great, thanks," Evan said hoarsely.

They both looked at their shoes, and Connor nodded.

"Yeah, well, now we can at least pretend we both have friends."

Evan began to walk away, but Connor wasn't finished talking, "Is this yours? I found it on the printer. _Dear Evan Hansen-_ " Evan's stomach dropped, and he turned back to face Connor, wondering how rude it could possibly if he snatched the paper out of his hands and run with it to Mexico. Couldn't possibly be more than a four on a scale of one to ten, right? Sadly, his arms were numb at his sides, "That's your name, right?" Connor smiled tentatively, and Evan shook his head.

"Y-Yeah, no, no! It's j-just a stupid writing assignment-" he reached for it, but Connor's eyes caught on the most unfortunate sentence in the whole letter.

"Because there's Zoe?" he read quietly, all of the nervous happiness dropping from his tone. Connor stopped, swallowing so hard his Adam's apple bobbed. "Um, did you write this about my sister?"

Evan wanted to shout, _No! No, a different Zoe, of course!_ but his voice wasn't working.

"N-N-No!" he managed to stutter, reaching for the letter. Connor pulled away, eyes closed.

"You wrote this because you knew I would find it?"

"What?"

"Yeah, you saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, and so you wrote this and you printed this out so that I would find it."

"W-why would I do that?"

"So I could see some creepy shit you wrote about my sister!?" Connor exploded, throwing his hands into the air, "And freak out, right? And you can tell everybody that I'm crazy, right?"

"No, Connor, I-"

"Fuck you!" Connor screamed, crumpling the letter in his fist, and running past Evan.

"N-no! But I really need that letter back it's for an assignment-CONNER PLEASE!"

Evan chased Connor down the hall, his heart racing as he pushed people out of his way so he could _just reach Connor._ He _had_ to get that letter back. What if Connor showed it to Zoe?

Connor pushed through the front doors of the school, and Evan followed, just catching the door before it closed.

"Connor!" he yelled, barely keeping himself from screeching, "I-it's for my th-therapist!"

Connor stopped, breathing so hard his shoulders rose and fell like ocean swells. When he was slightly calmer, but not nearly calm enough, he turned on his heel and marched towards Evan, jabbing him in the chest with his finger.

"What the hell, Hansen? Why would you write this!? I was trying to-" he stopped, breathing deeply through his nose, "and then you go on and write _this_?" he shook the crumpled paper, and Evan's heart leaped in his throat. "Why? What about this is-is _funny_ to you?"

"N-nothing, Connor, I swear it's for my therapist-"

Connor barked a laugh that clearly showed he found nothing about their situation to be funny.

"That's a bullshit excuse. Why do you need a therapist?"

Evan blushed.

"I have social anxiety..." he murmured, so quiet it was like a spring breeze had spoken.

Connor leaned in, his hair falling with the tilt of his head.

"What?"

Evan cleared his throat, eyes on the letter in Connor's hand.

"I have...social...anxiety." once again, he mumbled the last part. Connor got what he was trying to say, though, and after a moment, he shifted uncomfortably.

"Let me get this straight, your therapist tells you to write letters to _yourself_ and you wrote this letter about my _sister_?"

Evan nodded, and, once again, he was back in the Sahara. Except it summer's climax and he hadn't had anything to drink in three days.

"Do you have a crush on her or something?"

Again, Evan nodded. This time, however, Connor lowered his arm to hand Evan his letter. Evan took it gratefully, and shoved it in his back pocket.

"So this had nothing to do with me?" Connor clarified. Evan closed his eyes, and sighed.

"No..."

Connor's shoulders slumped in relief, or so Evan thought. He wasn't paying attention.

The bell rang, and kids began to flood out of the school like the animals from Noah's ark after the flood had finally ended.

"I'll see you later," Evan muttered, turning back to go inside so he could grab his backpack from the computer lab.

"Wait!" Connor called, "Evan, I'm sorry."

Evan nodded, "It's fine, Connor, just...please don't tell her? I would literally die."

The corners of Connor's mouth twitched, though it was still far from a real smile.

"Got it."

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_What the fuck just happened today?_   


	2. TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ehhhhhhhhh  
> 

_Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here's why, because....because you made it through yesterday, and today can't be half as_ _eventful_ _bad. Plus,_ four _people talked to you yesterday. One of them was just Jared, but that's okay. One of them was Zoe, and that didn't go so well._

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend, Me._

Evan neatly folded his letter (he had learned his lesson when it came to typing them and printing them in the computer lab) and put it into a green folder. His plan was to keep all his letters in said folder, and to bring them to his therapist at his next appointment.

He still wasn't sure how he felt about sharing them with another person. He wasn't that open to anyone, not even Jared, and he was Evan's closest thing to a friend that he had, car insurance or no.

Of course, Jared was the one Evan had shared his encounter with Conner with:

 **Jared:** Holy shit. Holy FUCKING shit.

 **Evan:** It wasn't that big of a deal.

That was an obvious lie. It was _always_ a big deal when it came to Connor Murphy.

 **Jared:** Not a big deal?! Connor Murphy is like freaking Bigfoot. Known of, but hardly ever seen. Wild. Shaggy. Potentially dangerous, and probably from Canada.

 **Evan:** Actually, the story of Bigfoot probably originated from Native Americans, who told stories of a wild man. Besides, Connor's human. Maybe he was just trying to...be nice and then the letter kind of-

 **Jared:** Spooked him off? Yeah, I think anyone would freak if they found a sex letter about their sister. Just so you know, I've yet to find conclusive evidence that Sasquatches travel in packs.

Evan turned off his phone after that.

Evan had to take the bus to school, which was always a hellish affair. To far back was where the rowdy people sat, the ones who always got the whole bus in trouble. Near the front was where the lower grade had assigned seats, and it was awful to get mixed up in those. Smack in the middle was usually dominated by seventh graders. So Evan usually got stuck with a seat between spit-balling Neanderthals and selfie-taking tweens.

When the bus finally arrived at the high school, he all but bolted off. He saw Jared leaning against a tree, and made his way over to him. He was surprised to see that he was taking to the girl from yesterday.

"Oh...hi." Evan stuttered, confused.

Jared grinned, "Evan, you know Al-an-a." he said, drawing out each syllable.

Alana shook her head, "Is he always like this?" she asked Evan, sighing.

Evan smiled shakily, and wiped his hands on his jeans.

"M-most of the time."

Alana nodded, "Noted and filed."

Jared raised his hands in confusion, "Wait, what?" he laughed, "Filed?"

Again, she nodded, her face growing serious, "I have mastered the art of filing the _important_ information away in my brain so that I can bring it up later, when I need it. It's why I have such good grades."

Evan wasn't sure she was joking.

Alana looked at her watch quickly, and adjusted her homemade satchel bag on her shoulder.

"Well, anyways, I have to go. I hope that this year we can all become _close_ acquaintances."

Evan and Jared watched her walk away, partly mystified, partly awed.

"Alana Beck is going to rule the world some day," Jared said, his voice void of mockery.

Evan shoved his hands in his pockets, the chill in the air beginning to affect him just a little.

"Can't say you're wrong there."

Jared snapped his fingers suddenly, and dropped his backpack from his shoulders so he could begin rummaging through it.

"I....have something....for you." he muttered, straightening with a triumphant grin as he pulled out his homework folder.

Evan took it curiously, "W-What is it?"

Jared grinned, "A Venn diagram detailing _exactly_ why Connor Murphy is Bigfoot in disguise."

Evan groaned, and threw the folder back at him. Sadly, Jared caught it deftly.

"C'mon, Evan!" he reasoned, "The hair, the way he walks! The height! _Everything_ matches up!"

"Except that, wait for it, Sasquatches d-don't exist!"

Jared scowled, obviously stung by the truth, and mimicked Evan under his breath.

" _Sasquatches don't exist! Huh-her!_ "

=~=

Evan followed Jared to the lunchroom, trying not to get trampled in the crowd of students all surging in different directions. It was something he had to be especially careful of, being practically invisible and all.

Evan was more than a little surprised when Jared sat next to him at an empty table. Usually, Jared goes off to sit with his friends at lunch, leaving Evan to eat alone. Evan tried not to look too shocked.

He was even _more_ surprised when Alana walked over, and sat her lunch tray down next to Jared.

"Is it alright if I sit here?" she asked, though it seemed more like she was saying, _"I am sitting here."_

"Help yourself. Evan, if you're not going to eat it, can I have your apple?"

Evan handed it to him, and Jared began to happily munch on the fruit. If it was fall and Evan needed something from Jared, he never had to worry about having the money to bribe him with. Jared was addicted to the apples from the tree behind Evan's house. Literally _addicted_. Whenever their families (in Evan's case, his mother and him) meet up for a barbecue or such, Jared would bring a wicker basket, and Evan usually had to drag him away from the tree before he could strip it bare.

Jared's eyes, which had been half closed with comedic pleasure, suddenly shot open. Evan almost laughed at the sight of him, with his eyes and cheeks bulging and apple juice dribbling from the corner of his mouth.

"What's this?" Jared gurgled around the apple, spitting chunks at Evan accidentally. He blushed, and hastily swallowed, "Sorry."

Evan frowned, and wiped the spittle off his face, sort of used to it. Jared never could eat with his mouth closed.

"Does the apple taste bad? I thought it was a good batch..." Evan trailed off as he looked back to see whom Jared was gawking at.

"Is that Connor?" Alana asked, voice light with delight, "He's one of my _closest_ acquaintances. No offense, of course, but he _is_ my biology partner....I think....and we had English together last year...probably...."

Jared leaned across the table, this time without so much apple in his mouth, so he could whisper conspiratorially to Evan.

"What's going on? Doesn't he use lunchtime to smoke in the bathroom with the other stoners?"

Evan pulled back, ears red with annoyance for Connor's sake, "Jared-"

He was cut off by the sound of Connor clearing his throat, and Evan's ears burned, even more, when he looked up at him.

"H-Hi." Evan stuttered.

Connor pushed a lock of brown hair behind his ear, "Hey, um, Evan. How's your arm?"

Evan bit his lip, "Fine. Great."

"Great." Connor repeated. He coughed awkwardly, "Hey do you want to go outside and eat? It's super nice out...and you two can come to. Obviously."

They'd been in the same year since kindergarten, and yet Evan didn't think he'd ever seen Connor Murphy blush so much. Evan didn't even think he was capable of it.

"Yeah, sure." Evan glanced over at Alana and Jared, both of whom were gawking at him. He sighed softly, ignoring their hanging jaws. "You two coming?"

Jared shook his head, regaining his senses just enough to make what he probably considered to be a witty joke.

"Make good choices you two. Do nothing I wouldn't do."

"That's a bad way to put it," said Evan, "how about nothing Alana wouldn't do?"

Jared flipped him the bird.

Evan took his lunch box (though it was empty. He had only brought an apple to school today, a choice his stomach was very much protesting and he, regretting) and followed Connor out of the lunchroom to the small courtyard between the school's buildings. In the middle of the patch of land was an enormous oak tree, at least four and a half feet thick. Connor had been right; it _was_ nice out. The heat wasn't sweltering, and the breeze was cool but not strong.

Evan put his hand on the tree's cool, rough part, frowning up at the canopy of leaves. If the sun had been too strong, which it wasn't, they would have been nicely shaded by the foliage.

"So, how does someone end up falling out of a tree, anyways?" Connor asked. Evan blushed, and turned around so he could feed him the same lie he had been giving eve-the three other people, actually, that had asked.

"Um, this summer I was a junior park ranger down at Ellison State Park. I'm a tree e-expert now. Which...it's cool I know. Anyways, I tried to climb a forty foot tall oak tree," Evan pointed behind him without looking to see if he was actually pointing at the tree or not, "and I fell."

"May I repeat: saddest fucking thing I've ever heard."

Evan snorted.

"So...Zoe, huh?"

Evan was ready to die, officially.

"N-no, it's really-it's really no big deal, actually, _so fucking weird-_ "

"Evan-"

"I mean, I would be weirded out for sure-"

" _Evan holy shit._ " Connor grabbed his shoulders to cut off his rambling apologies, chuckling. "It's...weird, but fine. In fact, I can help set you two up."

Evan's eyes lit up hopefully, "Y-you can?"

"Well..." Connor cocked his head, his hair falling with the tilt, "we aren't actually on....the best of terms. But I know my sister. I can help."

"T-Thanks, Connor!"

=~=

It was study hall, at the end of the day, a class that Jared and Evan shared. They were sitting in the back of the library, so close they were almost touching as Evan shared his encounter with Connor earlier that day. He was beginning to wish he hadn't opened his mouth at all about the whole thing.

"He's just....going to set you up with his sister?" Jared asked, wrinkling his nose.

Evan pretended to scribble something on his math homework (he had already finished it) as the librarian passed by them. When she was out of earshot, he looked back up at Jared.

"Y-yeah. Why?"

"Doesn't that seem kind of, I don't know, fishy?" Jared rolled his hand to accentuate his point.

Evan shook his head, "I don't understand."

"I mean, just _personally_ , I wouldn't set my younger sister up with a guy I've known for, what, two days now?"

"I don't think he had anything to gain by helping me," Evan whispered heatedly, more than a little annoyed.

Jared shrugged, "Drug money? Has he talked price?"

"Jared!" Evan yelped, "He's not that bad!"

"He's batshit crazy, Evan." he rolled his eyes.

 "No, he's not. He's my...sort-of-friend."

Jared laughed, as though he thought Evan had completely lost his marbles. The librarian shot him a withering glare, and he turned his giggles into a cough.

"Oh my God."

Evan felt a twinge of annoyance, which surprised him. Jared _did_ have a point on the fact that he and Connor had only talked-what was it?-maybe three times now. And two of them hadn't gone very well. At the same time....Evan thought he understood Connor, just a little. They were both lonely, both of them had trouble in the 'people' department. He didn't expect Jared to understand.

"Can you not be a dick for once?" Evan snapped, surprising himself and Jared.

Jared's face fell briefly, but he regained his composure so well Evan was sure he had imagined.

"Evan, c'mon, I'm just joking."

"I know, but it's just-it's not funny."

They locked eyes as Evan looked up from the table and the pencil marks he had been tracing with his finger. Jared was obviously hurt, and Evan immediately opened his mouth to apologize.  Before he could, however, Jared grabbed his backpack from the floor and stood, his chair scraping the floor as his sudden movement pushed it back.

"Whatever, Evan. Go hang out with Connor, then, I can tell you'd much rather be fucking him than talking to me-"

"Jared, n-no, I-I'm sorry-"

He wasn't listening. 

"Fuck you!" he hissed, only loud enough for Evan to hear. He stormed out of the library, much to the librarian's displeasure.

"Mr. Kleinman! The class is not dismissed!"

Evan dropped his head into his hands. He had just managed to chase away the closest thing to a friend he had ever had, in the span of three minutes, tops. Jared was the only person Evan trusted, and without him....he would go back to being a friendless nobody. Like last year, but so, so much worse.

Okay, yes, there was Connor. That was who the whole fight had been about, right? But what if Jared was right and Connor was being nice to him not because he wanted to be friends, but because he needed someone to scrape money off of for drugs or something like that? 

"You okay?"

Speak of the devil and he doth appear.

Connor Murphy may have been the _last_  person Evan wanted to see at that moment, but there he was, in all his punk-rock hobo glory.

"You have study hall now, too?"

  "No. What's going on?"

Connor slid into the chair Jared had been sitting in moments before, frowning.  

Evan propped his chin up with one hand, "It's nothing. Jared's mad at me."

"Oh. Oh!" Connor's eyes widened guiltily, "It's because of me, isn't it? Evan, I can back off. I know how it is. People don't like me, and if that's going to affect you, then it's fine. I can...." he pointed over his shoulder, in the vague direction of the door.

"No, no! It's just that Jared is my only-well, I mean there's you and Alana-wait Alana and I are just, um, _close_  acquaintances, and-sorry wait I don't know if we're friends? Like, if you want to be cool! You don't have to be, duh, but yeah. What was I-what was I saying? Jared's just-" Evan blushed under the odd look Connor was giving him, and whispered, "mad."

"Oh."

Evan took a shaky breath, "Are we-close acquaintances?"

Connor laughed, "For everyone but Alana, the word is _friends_. And if you want to be-I would...like that."

They both grinned at each other, and Evan felt a lot better. 

Friend.

Not _close acquaintance_ , not _family-friend._  He couldn't remember the last time someone had used that word to describe him.

_Dear Evan Hansen, today had it's off and ons. But it was a great day, after all._


	3. THREE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you can find an oak tree for almost all of the planting zones in the united states. many oaks can and do grow well in southern climates with many of them extending to zone 9. the live oak can be planted in the most southern zone in the united sates, zone 10. most oaks have a growing range that extends north to zone 4 or 5, but there are several varieties that can grow in zone 3. zone 3 varieties include the northern red, bur, and white oak. oaks are generally large trees so when planting them make sure they will have room to grow both up and out. a planting site for many trees in the oak family should have enough space for an 80 foot tall tree that is 80 feet wide as well. oaks can adopt to most soil conditions and generally like full sun. america's national tree: the oak  
> -arbor day foundation

_Dear Evan Hansen, today's going to be a good day and here's why:_

"Gah!" Evan gurgled, the surprised noise escaping his lips before he could stop himself, "C-Connor? What's-what are you doing here?"

Connor drew back the hand he had used to tap Evan on the shoulder and, consequently, give him a heart attack.

"It's Saturday? We agreed I was going to come here to pick you up, right?"

Evan blushed. He had almost forgotten.

It had been three days since the fight with Jared, and he was still refusing to talk to Evan. Every time their paths crossed, Jared veered the other way. Alana was playing a sort of peace maker, switching tables at the halfway point during lunch, staying 'neutral' about the whole thing but letting both boys complain to her about the other's stubbornness.

Evan didn't know why Jared even cared that much about his newfound friendship with Connor. That was another new thing: Connor, too, was sitting with Evan at lunch. They earned more than a few odd and somewhat judgmental looks from their peers, but neither of them cared much. When Evan was with Connor, it's like a bubble grew around him. Everything just...bounced off, for the most part. His anxiety wasn't cured, oh no, far from it, but having Connor as a friend did make him feel like-like maybe everything would be okay.

"Sorry, I forgot." Evan mumbled apologetically, putting down his pencil and turning his chair around so he could face Connor, "Give me a few minutes? I just need to take my pills, and I'm kind of hungry....I can make pancakes if you want."

Connor grinned, "And I can eat those pancakes, if you want."

Evan laughed, and pushed his chair away from his desk. Connor stepped back so Evan wouldn't accidentally hit him as he crossed the room to his bed, where he expertly jumped out of the chair and onto his mattress. The medicine was halfway to his mouth when he paused, seeing Connor staring.

"What?"

"Oh." Connor looked down at his shoes, "Nothing, I just didn't know you took anxiety medication."

"I do-once a day, two pills."

Connor bit his lip, "You're lucky."

Evan frowned, unsure as to how taking anxiety medication made him lucky. Connor must have seen his confusion, because he quickly tried to explain.

"My parents won't let me take medication."

"Are they....religious?"

Evan's mother, being a nurse, loved to rant about people who refused to get their kids vaccinated, whether for religious reasons or just concerns about non-existent side effects. He had never heard of anyone stopping their child from taking medication, but he assumed it could be a thing. Judging by the look on Connor's face, though, he wasn't sure that was correct.

Connor shook his head, scowling, "No. It's-it's all 'just a phase.' Their words. They don't think it's necessary for me to have a therapist...go to rehab...anything that might draw attention to them in a bad light, they won't do."

Evan was quiet for a beat, and Connor looked up shyly from underneath his curtain of hair.

"Your parents are dicks." Evan said. Immediately, he blushed. The words had just slipped out of his mouth. I mean, it was what he was thinking, but he didn't mean to say it out loud! "S-sorry! I-I'm sure they're nice-"

He was cut off as Connor roared with laughter, collapsing onto Evan's bed.

"God! I didn't think you had it in you! I mean, that wasn't really anything, but it's a start!"

Evan blushed, "Shut up."

"There it is again!" Connor crowed, punching Evan on the shoulder (his good arm, thankfully).

Evan took his medicine, and they hurried downstairs. After debating about it for a little bit, they found they were _both_ to lazy to make pancakes, and decided they would just stop at Dunkin' Donuts on the way to....wherever they were going. Connor kept his lips sealed on that particular detail.

"Someone sued Dunkin' once because they spilled their coffee and got-I don't know-second degree burns?" Connor said conversationally, fingers tapping the wheel as he glared at the stop light, as though the power of his hatred would strike fear into it's electric heart and turn it green.

"Wasn't that McDonald's?" Evan asked, struggling to recall the story. He had read it in his mother's Reader's Digest awhile ago.

Connor shrugged, "I don't know." They changed lanes, and pulled into the Dunkin' Donuts parking lot, to Evan's dismay. "I just remember feeling bad for the lady because everyone thought she was stupid for suing." he looked up at Evan as he took the keys out of the ignition to find his passenger frozen to his seat. "You okay?"

Evan fiddled with his seat belt in a way similar to how Connor played with his satchel. He ran his hand up and down the strap, as though searching for a handhold when there were none.

"I-I just....ordering food-I just thought we were going to take the drive-in?" he explained meekly, licking his lip, "I'm not very good with ordering food, like, really, really, _really_ bad at it. There's always at least half a dozen people if you go to a restaurant, and all of them are in such a hurry and glare at you if you're having trouble deciding or anything like that. You're not supposed to start a conversation with the person at the counter, but they'll ask you how your day was, and you have to say, 'good' and then avoid eye contact for the rest of the time you're in the restaurant. And the entire time, they're _judging_ you. Like, I'll ask for soy instead of milk, and I can-I can hear them thinking- _ooh, he's like one of those hot diet followers, except he's not a college girl, he's a_ guy. _He must be gay!_ But _no,_ I'm not _gay_ , I'm just lactose intolerant!"

Evan put a hand over his racing heart, and looked out through the window, his face flushed. He was sure that at any minute Connor would burst into laughter, drag him inside the coffee shop, and make him order, because _how funny would it be_ to see Evan have a _panic attack_ in the middle of Dunkin' Donuts?

He didn't. Instead, Connor tentatively put a hand on Evan's shoulder, like he was a bomb set to detonate at any second. Which, in a way, he kind of was.

"Drive-in it is. What do you want?"

Evan's shoulders sagged in relief, "T-Thanks, Connor."

"That's what friends are for, right?" Connor said quietly, turning the keys in the ignition. The car started with a sort of _kkrr-CHH_ sound, and they started towards the drive-in line. It wasn't _much_ of a line, luckily, just two cars, but the fact that there was _any_ line and Connor was willing to put up with Evan's (what he personally considered to be) bullshit put a lump in his throat.

Connor grinned as the song on the radio (which playing so softly it was almost impossible to hear) changed, and he turned it up. Evan couldn't help but laugh when he heard it, and Connor glanced over at him like he knew he was upset and Evan's laugh was a sound to be appreciated.

"Oh my gosh, you're so emo." Evan giggled, covering his mouth.

Connor turned it up louder, letting My Chemical Romance's _Destroya_ fill the car. Luckily for Evan's ears, Connor immediately had to turn it back down again as the car ahead of them moved forward.

A voice crackled over the speakers, "What can I get you?"

"Um, can I have a large turbo-shot espresso and an iced vanilla latte, please?" Connor answered, leaning out the window just a tad. Evan grabbed his arm, eyes wide.

"Wait, _no_ , you can't have that! That much caffeine will make you explode!" he protested, even as the lady wished them a nice day, and told them to drive up to the next window where their order was waiting.

Connor snorted, "Hansen, please. You are literally talking to the school's stoner. I can handle a little bit of coffee."

It seemed impossible that Evan's eyes could widen anymore without falling out of his head.

"Connor!" he hissed, "Pot is like the opposite of caffeine! Caffeine makes you hyper, not relaxed! Do you even drink coffee?!"

Connor shrugged, "Not really. This could be interesting."

"That's....not my choice words to describe a caffeine overdose."

"You worry too much." Connor remark, amused. The drive-in window opened, and the man inside gave them their orders, "Thanks."

The man smiled, oblivious to Evan's horror. "Enjoy,"

_=~=_

It only took about fifteen minutes to make it to their destination. Evan knew where they were when they were only five minutes away, thanks to the familiar, expansive fields that made up the old apple orchard.

Evan gasped, "I used to come here with my mom and dad before he left!"

Connor nodded, eyes distant and a tad bit sad.

"So did I."

"The last time I came here was-"

"Third grade, Jake Miller's birthday party?" Connor guessed. Evan glanced over at him with surprise.

"How did you know?"

He shrugged, "It was the last birthday party-well, party-I was ever invited to. Kind of memorable."

They climbed out of the car, and Evan stretched his arms above his head, looking around in wonder. It was strange to see the orchard parking lot so empty and unkempt. He remembered it when it was full of cars and people coming and going, an ice cream booth on one side of the short road that led to the main house (where you would buy your bags, visit the gift shop, or eat a homemade lunch), and a kettle corn vendor on the other. Heidi would buy two bags: one for her and Evan's father, and one for Evan to gorge himself on.

"Why here?"

Connor cocked his head, confused by the question.

"Why did we come _here_?" Evan specified, mind wandering as he tried to fit his memories of the apple orchard to how it looked now. It was like putting a filter over a photograph. Evan thought it would be a vintage filter, the kind that darkens the image and makes it seem as though there's cracks in it, but has a cool little frame.

"Oh. Well, you like trees," Connor spread his arms wide, turning in a slow circle as if to indicate that there was, indeed, trees, "and you don't like people. So I thought, _now, where can I take my dendrophilous friend that doesn't have people around so he doesn't have to worry about them judging him for getting soy and not milk_? And I thought of this place." again, Connor cocked his head, considering, "That's a lie, actually, I've just been wanting to come back here."

"It's certainly...changed."

The corner of Conner's mouth twitched, "Hasn't everything? C'mon, let's explore."

Exploring the orchard was a little bit like reconnecting with a friend you haven't seen in many, many years. They looked completely different, and they've changed, too. You both have to relearn everything about each other.

They had split up for just a bit. Evan was standing at the rusted fence of an enclosure that used to hold goats. Further down, in their own respective cages, where the donkeys, the pigs, and, heck, at one point, the _chickens_ , had been held. Evan wondered what had become of the animals, but dismissed the thought. They were probably all dead by now.

"Evan!" Connor called for him, his voice not far from where Evan was. He jogged over to where he had thought he had heard Connor call him and found him grinning, and pointing at a brush-covered trail.

Evan gaped, "Is that..."

Connor fluidly pushed back some underbrush, revealing a squat sign that read, _Adventure Trail._

"The adventure trail," they breathed in unison.

Connor grabbed Evan's arm and pulled him through the brush, where the path was a little bit clearer. The hazy morning sun fought to get past the thick foliage above their heads, and where it poked through created little sunbursts of light on the shadowed forest floor.

"Here's the shack! There used to be real pots and pans, and my sister and I would try to hit each other with them!" Connor cried excitedly, still tugging Evan along.

"My parents and I would play house in there!" Evan laughed.

They went inside the small shack, ducking their heads to avoid the low ceiling. It was musty, and the shack was rotting away, but nostalgia filtered their vision and made it seem as though nothing had changed.

"We're actually too tall." Connor said approvingly, touching the ceiling with his elbow bent.

"My parents used to pick me up so I could touch the ceiling."

"I used to do that with Zoe."

They left the shack, strolling a little more calmly now, but their eyes dancing with not a little less excitement. Most of the other sights along the trail had been removed, or had rotted away.

"Where to next?" Evan asked as they finished walking the path's length-which wasn't very long.

Connor shrugged, and bent over to pick up a long, thick stick. He nodded, seemingly satisfied.

"It's your party, Hansen."

"Want to see if the apple trees are still producing?" Evan suggested.

Connor nodded, and pointed his stick in the vague direction of the trees.

"Onward."

The orchard was like an old blanket, full of holes where trees once were, but disease or something had long since killed them. There was quite a number of these patches. There were no good trees. All the trees that were left were skinny and withered. This disappointed Evan, who had been practically salivating over the thought of a Windy Ridge Apple. Before the orchard closed, they were famous for being plump and sweet.

"Ah well." he conceded, "Where do you want to go?"

"There's this field my family and I used to go to. We would picnic there and-well, it was nice. Want to check it out?" Connor suggested, almost bashfully.

"Where?" Evan asked.

"Behind the main house."

"Oh."

Evan had never been behind the main house, since it usually took a few hours to run out of things to do in front of it. He wasn't sure what he was expecting: maybe more trees, maybe a porch a small playset. Maybe just a bunch of wheat, I don't know.

It turned out, the field behind the apple orchard was....beautiful.

Framed by either side by the wilting apple trees, it had a melancholy feel. But the view was breathtaking. You could see far, far off into the distant mountains, a trail of power-line poles marking the way there. Apparently, the apple orchard sat on the top of a hill, because the field sloped downward what looked life indefinitely from afar. Connor watched in amusement as Evan's eyes widened, and he ran out to the middle of the field, at the beginning of the slope.

"Holy crap." he breathed, amazed beyond words.

Connor nodded, and gestured for Evan to follow him to the base of an isolated Birch tree. Isolated because it was in the middle of a treeless field, of course, but also by the fact that it was fully green and distinctly....not....dead.

They sat, backs against the Birch's base. Connor took off his sweatshirt and (though it _wasn't_ like he was staring or anything) Evan was surprised to see that he actually had a little bit of muscle. Well, more than Evan himself, at least. It must have been the way his frumpy sweatshirts hung off of him, because Evan always assumed Connor was scrawny like a chicken's neck.

Connor hugged one knee to his chest, and closed his eyes. He looked completely at peace, and Evan weirdly wondered whether this was what Connor Murphy looked like when he was high. Just....completely relaxed, not a care in the world.

He wasn't sure. He had never encountered a high Connor (he actually had, he just didn't know it), but to him, this seemed different. Connor looked like he was more than relaxed. He looked like he was home.

"What do you think it's like to have a soulmate?" Connor murmured jerking Evan from his probably creepy-staring.

Evan laid on his back, twirling a piece of grass between two fingers.  
"Oh....I don't know. Amazing, I would think. And nerve racking. Terrible nerve racking. But also wonderful and filling and completing. That's what love is, right?"

"I wouldn't know. I've never been in love." Connor admitted.

Evan nodded, though he couldn't quite agree. Truth was, he was describing everything he felt-or how he could feel, without his mental illness holding him back from just _talking to her_ -for Zoe. What he thought it would be like to be her soulmate, and to show her she was his everything.

Connor Murphy, the amazing mind-picking magician, spoke up once more, "Would you like to be soulmates with my sister?"

Evan flushed, "I-I don't know. Maybe."

"You can be honest."

He sighed, "Yes, then."

Connor nodded, satisfied with his answer.

"Good. I think you two would be-good. But I am her big brother, so I will kill you if you hurt her."

Evan laughed, "You make it sound like it's ever going to happen."

"Have faith, young Jedi." Connor rasped, "The time is upon us."

That wasn't the quote-far, far from it-but Evan let it slide, and they sat quiet for a minute, soaking in the sunshine.

"What's your mom like?" Connor asked suddenly. Evan blinked, the daydream about asking Zoe to the prom dissolving back to reality.

"She's a mom, I guess." Evan said, unsure what Connor wanted to hear, "She's usually at work. When she's home it's great, though. We used to do 'Taco Tuesday' every week....I miss that. Why? What are your parents like?"

Connor stretched, and yawned.

"You know what they're like."

Evan shook his head, propping himself up with one arm.

"No, I don't. I know they won't get you proper-proper help but that they also took you and Zoe to this orchard. What happened?"

Connor shook his head.

"I guess....well I was always a fucked up kid. My dad and I never got along. He always wanted....wanted something from me, and I don't know what it was, but I was never able to get it. And obviously, I had anger issues and therefore trouble making friends. Eighth grade I grew really depressed. And of course, 'it's just a phase'." Connor did the most miserable jazz hands Evan had ever seen, and sighed. "And then in ninth grade, pot! Whippee! And everything fell apart. Zoe and I weren't always so rocky, but I came home one night in ninth grade reeking of pot and she smelled it, and threatened to tell mom and dad and I-and I-" Connor's voice cracked, and Evan sat up quickly, sliding an arm over his quaking shoulders. Connor hugged his leg like it was a rock in the middle of a mudslide, and he was trying not to be swept away by the muddy current, "I flipped out and Zoe got hurt and ever since she-she basically runs to her room and bolts the door when I get home. And when we fight, we fight really bad, and when I'm high-"

Limply, he turned into Evan's hug, his tears soaking through his polo shirt. Evan was a little scared. Not by the information Connor was revealing, but by the outpouring of untapped emotions. Evan was bad when it came to his _own_ feelings, but others? Forget about it.

"I'm the worst."

"You are _definitely_ not the worst. You are....a fixer upper."

Connor pulled away, and wiped away his tears with the palm of his hand, "Wow, gee, thanks."

"I mean, isn't everyone? We've all just got a few cracks in our walls that need to be patched,"

Connor stretched out his legs, and Evan did the same, bumping Connor's shoulder with his own.

"Alright...short of calling HGTV, what can I do to become....a rent-able....apartment?" Connor tried very hard to keep a straight face, but his ears were a little red from the effort.

Evan bit his lip, "Good question. Don't smoke so much pot-"

"Besides smoking less pot."

"Try to be more...nice?"

"Very, very specific." Connor said dryly, "Genius advice we should all take to heart. Thank you very much, Hansen, don't know how I could've gone on without that tidbit of wisdom."

_=~=_

_Dear Evan Hansen, today was a good day. That seems to be the opening for a lot of these letters, so I guess I should go into why. Cue dramatic music, for I have made....a friend. Shocking, I know. But Connor's pretty great. Whoa. I never thought I would write, "Connor Murphy is my best friend" in a million years, but it's true. We went to the apple orchard today, the old one that closed down right after Mike left. Connor showed me a field behind the big house where there's one big Birch tree and endless sky that stretches on forever._

_Sincerely, your best, and most dearest friend, Me._

 


	4. FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> no annual is more cheerful or easier to grow than marigolds. these flowers are the spendthrifts among annuals, showing a wealth of gold, copper, and brass into our summer and autumn gardens. the flower’s popularity probably derives in part from its ability to bloom brightly all summer long.  
> -the old farmer's almanac

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it will trigger anyone, but there is a panic attack.

Evan stared at the flyer, fingers twitching. Around him, other students made their way to their classes, Evan like a rock in the middle of their surging ocean. Jazz band. That was what it was advertising. The poster was complete with a cartoon bee proclaiming, "You like Jazz?" and a signup sheet. The first dozen spots were filled with names, an instrument next to each. The third name in the list?

 Zoe Murphy-Saxophone.

"Hey, Evan." Connor Murphy was skilled at given Evan heart attacks. Way to skilled. "Are you going to sign up? I don't know you played an instrument. Weird."

Evan shook his head, "N-no, I was just-are you okay?"

Connor was slumped against the wall, his eyes red and dull. The strings of his sweatshirt were crooked, and Evan felt the strange, overwhelming desire to right them.

Connor rubbed his eyes, "Fine, Just-tired." he sighed, "And a little high."

"A little?" Evan asked suspiciously.

Connor grinned and spread his arms wide, " _Little._ "

Evan frowned unhappily, only partly because he was a little disappointed Connor had smoked in the first place.

"Was it a bad morning?"

Connor smacked his lips, "Quite. I'm thirsty. And we're both late to class."

Evan blinked, looking around joltedly at the suddenly empty hall.

"Shoot," he murmured, "we are. Ms. Meyers will kill me."

"You won't be too late if you hurry." Connor said lazily.

"W-What about you?"

"I'm in study hall."

"No, you're not."

Connor stuck out his tongue, shifting his hold on his satchel bag. Evan wondered just what had happened that morning. Connor didn't often come to school high-okay, he didn't often come to school _this_ high. Evan knew he only smoked at parties, or when things got unbearable with his parents. Often times, the two went hand in hand.

"Connor...." he hesitated, but Evan wrapped his arms around his friend. Connor gratefully returned the hug. "It's all going to be okay." Evan murmured.

"Holy shit." hooted a familiar voice. Evan broke away from Connor, scowling fiercely enough to drop Arnold Schwarzenegger dead in his tracks, "Holy fucking shit! It all makes sense now!" Jared laughed, pointing to Connor and Evan like he was a grandpa in the midst of saying, _you crazy kids, you!_ "Are you two soul mates? Why didn't you tell me? God! I've been so pissed, Evan, you could've just told me."

Just like that, all traces of anger had vanished from Jared. Evan was relieved to see this, but not when it was for _completely_  the wrong reasons.

"We're not-it's not like that." Evan protested, rubbing his arm and stepping away from Connor. Their faces were a matching shade of tomato red.

Jared put a finger to his lips, and winked, all the while grinning like an idiot.

"Hey, man, it's fine. If you're not ready to come out of the closet or whatever, I'll support you. Just.... _damn._ " Jared whistled quietly, "Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy. I have to admit, I would never have thought it a possibility."

Evan quickly glanced over at Connor, and saw that he was preparing himself to commit a violent murder, and to enjoy it immensely.

"Jared, we're really not-"

The sound of heels clicking down the hall cut him off, and all three of them look up to see the school guidance counselor approaching them, her brightly colored lips pursed in a frown.

"Mr. Murphy, Mr. Hansen-"

Jared waved before she could get to him, "Mrs. Kinde! How you've been?"

The teacher struggled to keep her amusement from filling her features, but the corners of her mouth twitched, anyways.

"Very well, thank you for asking. I think you three know where you need to be?"

 _Class?_ Evan thought hopefully, his stomach sinking.  Evan was a vanilla child: plain, in the background, and _never_ in trouble. His protest came in the form of a minute, "Miep?" that only he heard.

Mrs. Kinde gestured for them to follow her down the hall, "That's right. We're going to have a chat."

=~=

"Do you three think you can explain to me why you were in the hall fifteen minutes after the start of classes?" Mrs. Kinde asked, not, well, _unkindly._

Fifteen minutes. Huh. Evan hadn't realized that that much time had gone by.

Evan had been in her office, of course, like when he was creating his schedule, getting things from her from his teachers, or, on particularly bad days, his teachers would send him here to calm down after a panic attack.

It was strange, but being on the other side of the desk completely changed the normally-comforting feel of the room for Evan.

"Mr. Hansen-Evan-I almost expect this kind of behavior from _these_ two," she gave Jared and Connor each a pointed glare, and while Evan would wilt like a flower under her gaze, they didn't even flinch, "but your track record is just fine. Why break it to skip class?"

Evan opened his mouth in hope that an excuse would tumble out, but he just looked like a fish on land gasping for water.

"It's my fault, Mrs. Kinde." Connor apologized, fingers drumming on his thigh. Evan dearly hoped that Mrs. Kinde didn't notice his red eyes. "I was asking for homework help and we.....got caught." Well, the last part _was_ true, out of context.

Mrs. Kinde raised one delicately traced eyebrow, "Oh really? And what's your excuse, Mr. Kleinman?"

Jared grinned cheekily, and took out a folded up piece of paper from the pocket of his shorts.

"I was down in the band room asking Mr. Heinz about jazz band. Fourth-year trumpet, ya know?"

Evan loathed Jared's trumpet. He played it absolutely nonstop, and often times used it as the background music to Evan's failures. He was good at it, though. He could take Evan asking for the ketchup and turn it into a comedy show for everyone (except Evan) present to enjoy.

It could be worse, though. Jared could play the drums.

Mrs. Kinde took the note, nodding in approval, "This is an excellent forgery. But Mr. Heinz signs his name just _D. H_ , not the whole thing."

Jared cursed under his breath, "I'll fix that, then. You won't catch it next time." he vowed. She smiled.

"Good luck with that, you've been trying for four years now." she frowned at the clock on the wall, "I see no reason to report this incident. I'll write you three some late passes, but then hurry on to your classes."

Evan slumped into his chair, letting out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Mrs. Kinde wrote up their respective passes, and watched them out the door. They kept straight faces until they were out of her sight. Once they were, Connor and Jared immediately burst into laughter.

"Evan, you looked like you were trying to lay an egg!" Jared crowed.

"I'm pretty sure you popped a vein," Connor said, pretending to carefully scan Evan's face.

Evan scowled, "Ha, ha, you guys. We have to get to class now, though."

He adjusted his bag, and started to walk away. Connor put out his hand, though, and put it on Evan's chest, effectively stopping him.

"Wait." he glanced quickly at his watch, grinning, "Ten. Nine. Eight-"

Jared cut in, joining him in the countdown, "Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One."

The bell rang a few seconds after they had finished counting, ruining the effect. Evan rolled his eyes, and adjusted his bag on his shoulders.

"B-Beautiful, truly. Let's _go_ , people are already coming."

It's true. The wave of students was breaking, and Evan was not anxious to get caught in it like usual.

"Alright then. See ya," Connor waved and turned on his heel. Jared pointed at his retreating back, and made an _I'm going to follow him motion_ with his hands. Evan sighed.

"No! Classes, both of you!"

=~=

It was lunchtime, and Evan was staring (probably creepily) at Zoe Murphy as she waited outside the band room door for her jazz band lesson. Evan himself didn't realize he was staring until Connor pointed it out. He was also completely unaware of the fact that his sandwich (which he was holding in mid-air, inches from its initial destination, I.E, his mouth) was dripping mustard down his shirt.

"Go talk to her." Connor urged.

Evan realized what he was doing, and dropped his sandwich, blushing.

"No, I-I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I talk to her I fuck up."

Connor rolled his eyes, "Probably. Just....try it anyways?"

"Do-Do you really think I should?" Evan asked, uncertain.

Connor nodded encouragingly, "Go. Wait-actually-" he grabbed Evan's arm, and pointed to the mustard trail on his shirt. Connor took off his sweatshirt-yes, his signature, gray sweatshirt-and gave it to him, "You got some mustard down your front."

Evan blushed even deeper, "Thanks. But what if the mustard get's on it?" he asked worriedly.

Connor sighed, "Just go talk to her, Hansen."

Evan thanked him so profusely that Connor had to get up and march him the first few steps, partly to get his feet unfrozen to the ground, and partly just to get him _away_.

Once he was close, Evan stopped, and turned back to look at Connor, who gave him a thumbs up while munching on Evan's sandwich. He turned back, took a deep breath, and fixed the still-crooked strings on Connor's sweatshirt, which had been bugging him all of lunch.

"H-Hi, Zoe."

Zoe turned, startled. She had been humming to herself, probably the notes of the piece she had been learning in band.

"Oh-hi, Evan How are you?"

_She remembered his name._

"A-I-um, ah-" Evan had been totally fine before, when he was just talking to the back of Zoe's head. Sadly, that didn't last long at all. Now he was trying to avoid contact with her blue eyes (he was right, they were just like Connor's) lest he face burst into flames. Eventually, after a few minutes of the awkward _ooh, ah-eh-I_ song on repeat, he managed to stutter, "F-fine. How are y-you?"

At least he was doing better than the first time they had talked. Small achievements had to be cherished.

"Oh. Fine, what's up?"

"I was just sitting over there, and I noticed you looked pretty bored, so I was like, hey!-I mean, _hey_ , she looks....she looks bored."

Zoe grinned, and Evan figured that was a good sign. He relaxed just a little.

"Evan!"

Inwardly, Evan groaned.

The _last_ person he wanted to see on Earth at that moment was Jared, who was the most likely to make Evan even more embarrassed than he already was. Yet, there Jared stood. People at this school just had a way with timing, didn't they?

"What's up? My gosh, are you wearing Connor's sweatshirt?" Jared laughed, and pushed his glasses up further on his nose, "That's _kind of_ adorable."

Like I said, the worst person to show up at that moment was Jared Kleinman.

"Wha-Jared! N-no!" Evan stammered.

Jared just then noticed Zoe, and he covered his mouth with his hand.

"Crap." he said unapologetically, "You _did not_ hear that."

Zoe's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "Wait-what? What's going on? Are you and my brother-" she said the word tentatively, like it was a dog that she was afraid was going to bite her, "dating or something?" Zoe gasped, "Are you soulmates?!"

Jared clasped his hand over his heart, sighing dramatically. Evan didn't think he was doing it on purpose, but all the same, Jared _knew_ he had a crush on Zoe! He was the first of only two people to know!

"They are! But don't tell anybody, they're kind of-"

"Jared," Evan said frantically, feeling his whole world starting to tip. Calm down, _calm down._ "w-we're not soulmates! Connor and I aren't dating!"

Jared gave him a weird, _why-are-you-still-denying-this_ look, "Evan, it's okay. Zoe guessed it."

Evan was certain he couldn't be the only one who heard his heart racing. Surely Connor, all the way across the room, heard it, because he looked up, worry filling his face. His hands tensed on the table, as though he was getting ready to spring into the action like...like a hippie-haired, emo superhero.

"N-no, Jared, we're not soulmates. I was trying to tell you in the hallway-"

Zoe put a comforting hand on his shoulder, smiling that usually-angelic smile. Right now, it looked like a devil's grin. Everything loomed over Evan, and he felt so, so small. Only his heart didn't shrink. It was getting too big for his body-or maybe his body too small for it. Either way, he felt its pulse thrumming throughout his entire being.

"Evan, it's fine. It's the twenty-first century, only assholes will judge you. You know, I'm in this great club at school called Q-"

Evan fled before he could hear anything about her club, or even the twenty-first century.

He didn't know where else to go, so Evan ducked into the boy's bathroom, and rushed up to the sink so he could splash cold water on his face. He looked up, and though the world was tipping, he could clearly see he was not alone. Two or three boys-whom he did not recognize-were looking at him as though he was high, even though _they_ were the one holding still-smoking joints.

Evan and the stoners had a sort of stare off, even as his legs threatened to give out beneath him. Then Connor rushed in, followed by an apology spouting Jared.

"Evan?! Are you okay?"

The stoners put out their butts in the sink, and hurried out of the bathroom. Evan swayed, and then his legs finally gave in. Luckily, Connor caught him, paying mind not to hurt his arm.

"Hansen? Jared! Do something!" he half-ordered, half-growled.

Jared knelt down on the floor next to them, his face screwed up anxiously, "I-I don't know what to do! Evan, where are your pills? He brings an extra set to school. _Where are your pills_?"

Evan closed his eyes, his mind and heart racing, but his breath catching in his throat.

"Whoa, whoa. It's going to be fine, Hansen." Connor muttered, looking up at Jared with both fear and anger, "What happened?"

Jared scooted away from Connor, even though he was still in striking distance, "H-He was talking to Zoe, and then I came over....and she sort of found out you two were soulmates." he winced, completely misreading the red hot fury that filled Connor's features, "I'm sorry! It just sort of slipped. She's your sister, though, she's totally supp-"

"We're not soulmates you idiot! God!" Connor snapped as Evan mumbled something incoherent. Connor put his hand on Evan's forehead, and pushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Are....are you sure?"

"Yes! Where are those fucking pills? Wet down a paper towel or _something_ , we need to do _something._ "

Embarrassingly, Evan began to sob. He covered his mouth to try and mute the noise, but Connor and Jared were both glad that he hadn't fainted.

"Evan....I'm so sorry." Jared said quietly, but one-hundred percent sincerely.

"Mrs....Kinde." Evan whispered through his tears, struggling to sit up. Simultaneously, Connor and Jared pushed him gently back down.

"Not yet. After." Jared assured him, eyes soft.

Evan took another shaky breath that did no good, and curled into a ball, head in Connor's lap.

"What does he mean 'Mrs. Kinde'?" Connor whispered to Jared.

"He goes to her office whenever he has a panic attack. She usually sends him home, and he goes out like a light for the rest of the day. I should know; sometimes I get to go home with him."

Jared out his hand on Evan's shoulder, frowning grimly. He seemed to be coming out of it just a little bit.

"You two...are close."

"Yep. Family friends. Our moms are best friends, so we've been stuck together since-"

"First grade." Evan muttered.

"Yeah. Are you....good?"

Evan shook his head, _no_ , tears still spilling from his eyes, "I-I would very much like to sink into the floorboards and never be seen again, if that's what you m-mean,"

Connor and Jared helped him sit up, and Evan stifled a wince.

"Sorry." Connor said, unsure what he was apologizing for. Maybe the fact that he might've accidentally hurt him, or maybe the fact that his whole anxiety attack had been largely on account of him.

"'S not you." Evan muttered, rubbing his cast as though that would do any good, "My arm just hurts."

The three of them hobbled out of the bathroom, Evan crunched between his friends like the meat in a Connor-Jared sandwich. Mrs. Kinde knew exactly what had happened as soon as they arrived at her door, and she immediately picked up her phone to call Heidi.

Evan collapsed into a chair, weariness crashing over him. Jared and Connor hovered protectively, and he blushed.

"I'm fine, you guys." he assured them, "Jared, want to play Minecraft?"

Jared grinned, and winked at Evan as Mrs. Kinde hung up the phone.

"She's on her way. She says to have your stuff ready, because she has to hurry back to work right after she drops....you're leaving also, am I right, Mr. Kleinman?....you off."

"T-Thank you, Mrs. Kinde." Evan muttered, standing up so he could go get his backpack, "Have a good night."

She smiled almost sadly, "You two, Evan. Hurry up in the hall and you'll miss all the people coming back from lunch."

Connor and Jared followed Evan down the hall, and he grabbed his bag and his homework binder. He had only gone to two classes, so he didn't actually have any, but it made him feel better to bring it, just in case some magically appeared inside.

"Jared do you have-" Evan looked up, and glanced around. Connor and Jared were at the end of the hall, whispering heatedly with their heads so close they were almost touching. Evan felt heat prickle on his neck as he realized that they were probably talking about him-a theory made meatier by the odd looks they kept giving him, especially Connor-and he ducked his head. He didn't want anyone to start worrying on his behalf.

"You ready to go, Jared?" he said, trying to sound as confident as he could, and as if he wasn't breaking up their gossip session.

They jumped back from each other, both looking rather guilty.

"Um, yeah, I think. I brought my bag to lunch."

"C-Cool. Have a good night, Connor."

"You to. Try to...sleep, or something."

"Try not to come to school high....or something." Evan grinned cheekily, and Jared grabbed the back of his backpack, dragging him away. Evan let his feet drag on the floor for a bit, until Jared almost toppled over, which almost took Evan down, too. He walked on his own after that, waving goodbye to Connor when he reached the front doors.

"You have our world saved, right?" Jared asked, sighing in relief at the warm sun. It was so cold inside the school, some people called the school, 'The meat locker'.

"Of c-course."

"Good, because if you're falling asleep, I'm not going to be able to rebuild an entire castle on my own."

They sat on one of the benches under what happened to be Evan's favorite tree at the school. During the late spring and summer, it bloomed with bright pink flowers, and smelled heavenly. Heidi didn't have that long of a drive to get to the school, thankfully, so they could enjoy the heat instead of roasting in it.

Evan closed his eyes, and let out a breath through his nose.

"What do I do about Zoe?"

Jared looked up as though Evan had shocked him, "What?"

"She either thinks a) I'm soulmates with her brother, or b) a total freak. Wait, no, she thinks _both_."

Jared blushed, "Yeah. Sorry about that. I can text her, or talk to her. Or Connor can."

Evan shook his head, a little more unsure in that plan that Jared.

"They're not...on the best of terms, to be quite frank."

"Maybe, but he's going to want to clear it up with her anyways."

"Sure...maybe. I-I don't have a chance, do I?" Evan sighed, and buried his face in his hands. "God, I'm such a loser. Like, even if we were soulmate by some crazy miracle, why would she go through with it?"

"You just can't think like that. Even if she doesn't like you, someone else will."

"They'd have to be pretty fucked up." Evan laughed.

"Well," Jared said quietly, "maybe fucked up people connect because they need to fix each other like no one else can."

Evan's mom pulled up in the school drive, and Evan tried not to dwell on what Jared had just said too much.

"Are you okay sweetie?" Heidi asked as they hopped into their seats, expertly getting settled in no time flat. They had, sadly, a lot of practice working around Heidi's busy pick up schedule. Jared's mother, Melinda, was also a nurse, but she didn't have to work so many shifts because his parents weren't divorced, and his father had a stable job as a dentist.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Evan did fall asleep playing Minecraft. And while Jared fought off zombies, Evan had scrambled dreams involving puzzle pieces, dark shadows, and a strange sense of enveloping calm.

 


	5. FIVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> created for players who do not know how to begin their minecraft journey, the beginner's guide is a tutorial created to provide a list full of good ways to start! here, players will learn how to survive their first night in two different formats: in an overview with goals or in a step-by-step instruction. the player can choose which one they want, but both will accomplish the same goal.  
> -gamepedia-mincraft

When Evan woke up a few hours later, Jared was still there. That surprised him. What didn't surprise him was the entire package of Oreo's Jared was eating.

Since the Kleinmans lived just down the street, Jared was able to come down to Evan's house whenever he pleased, which would be never if Melinda wasn't such a health nut. That being as it was, Jared visited the Hansen home at least once a week to pilfer their snack drawers. Sometimes, Heidi and Evan weren't even home when he did this. The only way they knew he had even come was because all the Oreo's were mysteriously missing. Heidi thought it was amusing, but those were Evan's Oreos he was eating.

"You know I have a secret stash hidden from you," Evan mumbled, burying his face into the armrest. "I live in constant fear of your next visit."

Jared shrugged, "It's not so secret. Heidi showed it to me where you hid the other package when she ducked in after work. She said to tell you she has class today, so she'll be home late. She left some money for food."

Evan was too tired to protest on behalf of his Oreos. Besides, based on the way Jared was shaking the package with a frown, they were all gone, anyways.

Evan reminded himself to throttle Jared later. Just not right now, because he needed him to order Chinese.

"How much did she leave us?" Evan asked, lazily propping himself up with one arm. Jared, who had resumed his Minecraft game using Evan's character (a fact that worried Evan very much), picked up a twenty-dollar bill and waved it.

Hmm. Not Chinese, then.

"I can order some pizza online if you meet them at the door."

"Right. Yeah, I can do that."

Evan hastened up the stairs to get his computer, stomach rumbling. His phone was sitting next to his laptop, so he quickly grabbed it to see if he had any new notifications. More often than not, he didn't. But when he turned it on, a fresh text message from Connor appeared.

New being a relative thing. Apparently, he had sent it two hours ago. Evan read it, feeling a little guilty that it had taken him so long to respond.

 **Connor:** How're you feeling?

Evan tried his best to multitask, typing his response as he turned on his computer.

 **Evan:** Good. Jared and I are getting pizza.

Connor's reply was almost immediate.

 **Connor:** Lucky. My mom's in a health phase. She made vegan lasagna.

 **Evan:**???

 **Connor:** Don't ask, we're secretly airing out the house.

Evan laughed, and sent him a smiling emoji. He quickly got onto the Domino's website. He didn't have to debate with Jared over what to get because he already knew exactly what would work for the both of them.

That was the odd thing about their relationship. Until this year, really, they had never been that close. Until this year, Jared was just.....a family friend. They were expected to hang out, but when they were pushed into a room together, they played silently on their Nintendos. The only times they really interacted was every now and then at school, when Evan desperately needed someone to talk to, or at the bi-monthly Kleinman/Hansen 'family' gatherings. Even then they just played video games.

If you asked their mothers, it was destiny for them to become best friends. Which is why Jared's parents got so excited with each new update on their relationship, and paid for his car insurance because of it. Because, hey! don't want Jared's car breaking down on him while he's off gallivanting with his BFF, Evan Hansen, am I right? All the same, despite not being very close, Evan and Jared knew everything about each other. Evan guessed it was just a product of growing up side by side.

Evan ordered a pizza with one half Hawaiian and one-half pepperoni, and wondered what was different this year.

Once he was done with the ordering, Evan made his way downstairs. Jared was sprawled across the couch, the TV paused to show Evan's character jumping into a pit of lava.

"Why, Jared?" he bemoaned. Jared grinned wickedly in response, his glasses flashing as he cackled before going back to furiously type on his phone. "Who are you texting?" Evan asked, wandering into the kitchen in search of some soy milk. Not surprisingly, there wasn't any. Just an empty container on the shelf next to the sink. Jared was going to eat the Hansen's out of house and home, and he didn't even live with them.

"Just Connor," Jared called from the living room as Evan made his way back, drinkless.

His eyebrows furrowed, "You two are getting on suddenly."

Jared shrugged as his phone buzzed, which, unsurprisingly, was not a useful answer for Evan. He wasn't exactly sure how to phrase his questions, though. I mean, how're you supposed to ask someone, _last year you were kind of a prick, but now suddenly we're friends and you're acting all BFFish with my....Connor. What's new?_

It was cringy even in his head.

"Did you order the pizza?" Jared asked.

Evan nodded, "Should be here in ten minutes."

He pushed Jared's feet away from his usual seat-the left end of the couch-and sat down.

"What're you and Connor talking about?"

Jared grinned almost slyly.

"Chemistry."

"But....you don't take chemistry? You're in physical science. Connor, too."

Jared smile dimmed, and he shot Evan a look, kind of like _why are you killing my buzz?_

"I'm....thinking of taking classes online."

A reasonable explanation, though Evan was still confused. Jared hated science. But he wasn't going to be the one to question his newfound love of learning, so he merely asked, "Oh, cool. For college or-"

Jared rolled his eyes and unpaused the game, effectively distracting Evan as his character burst into flames, bobbing pitifully in its lava bath.

~=~

Fifteen minutes later, Jared suddenly looked away from the Minecraft murder he was ruthlessly committing (a villager this time, thankfully) to glance at the clock.

"It's been ten minutes. Does that mean the pizza is free?" he asked with a contemplative frown.

"I g-guess, technically, but we're going to pay anyways."

The doorbell rang, then, and Jared got up to answer it. Evan shrank into the couch and out of view of the door.

"Aw c'mon, Evan. The ten-minute rule isn't that big of a deal."

"But it is, because then they don't get a tip. And also it must be really annoying that they had to make the trip. Plus, it probably goes on their record and their boss might be angry."

Jared put his hands on the doorknob and gave Evan a pointed look, his cue to stop talking. Evan did, and watched Jared open the door, his eyebrows furrowed anxiously.

"H-" Jared stopped talking before he even started. Evan peeked over the edge of the couch just enough to see what was going on and, to be honest, he couldn't blame Jared for being speechless.

The pizza boy had neat blonde hair that was somehow wavy, even though it was only a few inches long. Evan could see the humor in his eyes from across the room. His smile broadened when he saw Jared, revealing a small gap between his front teeth.

Even the imperfection looked perfect on him.

"Half cheese, half Hawaiian? Sorry I'm late, my GPS broke." he had a slight Australian accent, and Jared blushed, to Evan's surprised.

"'S no big deal. Do I need to sign anywhere or-or something?" he stuttered, patting his pockets. Jared whirled around to where Evan was, "Is the twenty in there?"

Evan nodded, and went back to hiding behind the couch.

Jared turned back to the pizza boy, "One sec."

Evan couldn't see how red Jared's face had grown when he was standing in the doorway, but now that he was rushing over to get the money, he could've mistaken him for a tomato.

"Crushing?" he whispered as Jared fumbled with the twenty dollar bill.

"Shut _up_." Jared hissed. If looks could kill, Evan would be buried seven feet under and turning in his grave.

Pizza boy grinned when Jared gave him the bill, and shifted his hold on the pizza box so he could take out a small red bag. He gave Jared his change, and handed him the pizza box.

"Your receipts in there." he said with a wink. Evan stifled a laugh as Jared's face went white, his feet seemingly rooted to the spot. The pizza boy smiled, and turned to go, closing the door on his way.

Jared opened the pizza box, gasped, then closed it. Then he did it again: open, gasp, close.

Evan perked up, and pulled himself to a sitting position with the back of the couch. Jared opened the pizza box like there was a tarantula inside, and, for a minute, Evan wondered if there was.

Evan wasn't good with spiders.

"What is it?" he asked, trying very hard not to think of a thousand baby spiders crawling out of the pizza box and covering Jare-

Jared dropped the pizza box, to Evan's disappointment.

"I was going to eat that-"

"It will be fine!" Jared rushed over to Evan, and practically soared over the edge of the couch, flopping right on top of him. Evan grunted under his sudden weight.

"I've never seen anyone so excited about getting a receipt," he grumbled. He was just teasing, though. He could tell by the excitement glittering in Jared's eyes that what he was holding was definitely not _just_ a 'receipt'.

Jared grinned wickedly, and rolled off of Evan and onto the floor, somehow not hurting himself on the coffee table. He held the piece of paper up to the light, as though he was checking it for signs of forgery.

"Neither have I. It's not a receipt. It's Pizza Boy's number! And his name isn't Pizza Boy, either!" he exclaimed, as though awed by the fact, "It's _Link._ " he said the name as though it were some kind of dessert that he couldn't wait to dig into. Evan grinned, and took the paper from Jared.

Sure enough, it said: _787-6332-Link_. **(** ha her, changed it **)**  

Jared beamed as Evan's eyes widened, and he snatched it back, turning it over in his hands as though he still couldn't believe it was real.

"Oh _man_ , Jared!" Evan laughed appreciatively, "This is g-great! I didn't know you were...." he trailed off, uncertain what Jared was.

Jared wasn't too fazed, however. He shrugged, "Pansexual. But-" he pointed his finger at Evan threateningly, "don't tell a soul. My parents don't know yet."

"I suppose that if you and- _Link_ -turn out to be soulmates, they will have to. Your parents are great, Jared. They'll want to know, and then they'll probably throw a coming out party a-and paint the whole house rainbow."

Jared nodded, and ducked his head.

"I know. It's just scary. And....do you really think... _soulmates_? A great bang-" Evan felt his ears go hot, but Jared kept going without missing a beat, "but soulmates. I can't imagine."

"Why not?"

Jared blushed, "He's perfect and I'm....muffin top."

"Hey!" Evan said, offended on behalf of Jared's stomach, "I think your muffin top is great, and it's really....really not that much of anything. It's just a stomach. Everyone as one."

"I'm sure Link is sporting a six pack." Jared said glumly, though it sounded a little bit like he was enjoying imagining it.

Evan shrugged, "He asked you out, didn't he? Must be the shorts."

Jared looked down at his khaki shorts-a pair that he seemed to own hundreds of-with a small smile.

"Must be. Evan, I-you're the first person I've ever....come out to." Jared admitted haltingly.

"That's what friends are for, right?"

"Yeah," he brightened a little bit, grabbing his controller, "we're friends. So I can keep killing your player, right?"

Evan winced on behalf of his player, imagining the thousands of horrible deaths it would be forced to suffer through under Jared's hands.

"Only if you stop eating my Oreos."

"Never."

"Then what do I get out of this deal?"

Jared unpaused the game, looking terrifyingly eager, "You get to star in _A Thousand Ways To Die-Jared Kleinman Style._ "  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi, um, please don't call that phone number. Thanks xD


	6. SIX

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it’s natural; when things go wrong, one of the first thoughts is likely to be “why me?”  
> gere’s the thing though—“why me?” is a weakening phrase. It only serves to increase our feeling of victimhood and makes us feel incapable of dealing with the situation.  
> by intentionally catching ourselves thinking “why me?” and replacing it with “what next?” we not only gain back a feeling of control, but also figure out what we can actually do.  
> anytime my daughter had a mini-accident after that, she would panic. i’d put on my calmest voice, even when i felt like screaming “why us? Can we please catch a break?” and say, “aww, poor baby. are you hurt? accidents happen. do you think a boo-boo pad might help?” and yes, a boo-boo pad always helped.  
> ever so slowly, we were back to being resilient in the face of mini-accidents again.  
> -5 helpful things to do when you think life sucks-sumitha bhandarkar

_Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here's why: because finally,_ finally _, things are beginning to look up. Things might be okay from now on._

_Sincerely, you best and most dearest friend, Me._

In the course of a few days, Evan's whole world had shifted and then settled back down into what felt like a totally different universe. One where he wasn't alone anymore. While he still only had one name on his cast, Connor's, he now had _three_ friends. A pitiful number, to some, but to Evan....it was everything in the world and more to have them.

He went to a therapy session with Dr. Sherman, too, where he showed him the letters he had been writing. Well, some of them. The more watered down ones. Evan still wasn't comfortable with the idea of being that vulnerable to anyone.

He had actually debated not taking his anxiety medication that morning. Having friends gave him some kind of high, and everything was just....so much brighter now. The pills were just a reminder of everything he wasn't, and everything he wanted to leave behind.

He took them, anyways. Evan knew he wasn't ready to go without them, not yet. But someday....maybe.

At least, he hoped.

He didn't immediately see his friends once he got off the bus (which was as horrid as usual, mind), so Evan made his way inside to his locker, hoping that maybe they would find him.

As he was struggling to fit his bag into his locker, he heard someone call his name.

"Evan!"

Surprised, he whirled around, almost hitting Zoe with the binder he was holding. She jumped back, and Evan dropped it immediately. It fell to the floor with a loud _smack!_

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Evan yelped, torn between reaching out to help her and picking up his binder. He ended up doing a mixture of both, to Zoe's amusement. She laughed.

"I'm fine, Evan. Just watch where you're swinging that thing." she didn't seem to upset that Evan almost decapitated her using school supplies.

"Y-yeah. Sorry."

Zoe laughed again, "Once again, you apologize a lot."

Evan smiled weakly, and looked down at his shoes, pulling on the hem of his shirt anxiously.

"So, um, what's-what's up?"

Zoe's expression soured suddenly, like she was sucking on a particularly ripe lemon.

"It's no big deal, I just thought I should ask. It's just that Connor didn't come home last night-"

Evan's heart dropped to his stomach, and suddenly his hands became very still.

"W-what? That's ' no big deal '?"

Zoe waved a hand, "Yeah. I mean-no, it's kind of bad? Every now and then he steals some of my money because our parents cut off his allowance, buys some weed, and get's totally stoned at whatever party he can find that will take him. Usually passes out in a park or something. Anyways, I was just wondering if he might've gone to your place last night? You two have been hanging out, so....."

"N-no, he didn't come to my house. Shouldn't we be out looking for him or something? He could've gotten hurt or-or in some kind of trouble."

Zoe frowned, "Evan, calm down. Really. He's probably at home right now, sleeping off his high, or however it works. He does it all the time, like I said. The only 'trouble' he's going to get into is when my parents find out....he's probably going to have to go to rehab again."

Evan wasn't sure what he was supposed to say. Connor was missing, and yet Zoe was totally unfazed. No, she was _mad_ at him. For stealing her money, and, from the way she spoke, for wasting her time.

Yes, wasting her time.

Evan could almost see now why Connor may have felt the need to smoke so much.

He didn't realize how long he had just been staring into space until Zoe cleared her throat, "Um, anyway. If you see him, just tell me."

"Yeah...sure," Evan said faintly.

She waved goodbye, and disappeared down the hall.

Evan rested his forehead against his locker, a lump in his throat.

 _Connor had better be okay. No, Connor_ is _okay, right? You'd know if he wasn't. Connor wouldn't be stupid enough to get himself into trouble. Yes, he would. But he didn't get himself into any trouble, because he was doing so good. He wouldn't just crack after being mostly clean for weeks just to party, right? What could've happened? Think. Zoe looked pretty ticked....she isn't normally like that. Maybe they got into a fight, and Connor...broke. God, Connor. That fucking idiot. If he managed to get himself hurt I swear to Gosh-_

"Evan? Are you okay?"

Evan didn't realize he was trembling until Jared put his arm around his shoulders, slightly lessening his shaking. He lifted his head, suddenly aware of his surroundings. Right. The hallway wasn't quite so empty anymore. In fact, it was chokingly full. And everyone was staring at him like he was some kind of freak, their gazes mixed with pity and revulsion. They probably thought he was on some kind of psychedelic drug trip.

"I'm f-fine."

"No, you're not. Don't lie."

Evan ducked his head, and kicked his locker fully closed.

"Connor's missing." he mumbled.

Jared's expression morphed from worry to frantic shock, and he started to pull Evan down the hall.

"W-where are we going?"

"The bathroom. Screw it if we're late."

There was no one else in the bathroom when they arrived, probably because everyone was heading off to their classes, as they should have been doing. Evan slumped against the wall, sliding down to the floor and pulling his legs up to his chest. Jared leaned against the sinks, tapping his fingers against his arm. Neither of them spoke for a minute or two until Jared sighed in frustration.

"Well? What the hell is going on?"

So Evan told him what he knew....which, obviously, wasn't much.

"And Zoe said not to worry about it, but he hasn't t-texted me all day. Usually he does to say good morning. C-Come to think of it, he didn't message me once he got home yesterday, either, and he usually does that, too. How....how couldn't I have known something was wrong?" Evan hit himself in the forehead with his open palm, scowling, "Stupid! I should've known something was wrong, and known he's probably in a ditch somewhere, or in jail, or-"

Jared crossed the small space to wrap his arms around Evan, who buried his face into his shoulder. Jared rubbed his back soothingly, and Evan had a sudden flashback to when they were young, very young....kindergarten, at the most. Jared had dared Evan to jump off the swing at its peak height, and so he did. But Evan couldn't land the jump, and ended up hurting his ankle. He collapsed immediately, and started to cry. Jared had rushed over, dropping to his knees next to Evan so he could hug him, and rub his back much like he was doing now.

_"Shh. Don't cry, Ev. If you cry momma will come over and yell at us. But it's okay, I'm going to be a doctor."_

He then proceeded to take off his sweatshirt and make a 'splint' out of his sweatshirt, all while Evan sniffled. Jared had helped Evan to his feet, and led him around the playground to make sure he could still put weight on his ankle.

They were both so surprised that it wasn't broken that they were sure Jared was a secret sorcerer, and made a pact not to tell his parents in case they sent him away to wizarding school.

It was an odd memory for Evan's brain to come up with at the moment, but he supposed he was trying to distract himself. After all, if he was distracted at least he couldn't keep thinking about whatever Connor might have gotten himself into.

"Connor's going to be okay. You heard Zoe, he-he does this all the time."

"But what if this time is different?"

Jared shook his head, and hugged Evan a little tighter.

"He won't, Evan. He won't."

~=~

Connor didn't show up to school that day. No matter how many times Evan scanned the halls, or peeked into classrooms on the way to his own, or tried to find him in the between-class rush, he was never there. Jared tried to reassure Evan that everything was fine, but he didn't look so convinced himself.

Alana tried to help, too, but for some reason, the statistics she kept quoting about marijuana and alcohol abuse didn't calm Evan's nerves.

When he got home at the end of the day, Evan flopped down on the couch, and buried his face into a pillow. He heard footsteps from the kitchen, and then his mother was kneeling down next to him, brushing her hands through his hair. Evan leaned into the touch, his breathing shaky and uneven.

"Evan?" Heidi whispered, her eyes dark with worry, "Honey, what's wrong?"

Evan tried to answer, but all that came out was a strangled sob. Suddenly, he was crying. His tears burned his cheeks as they fell, but Evan couldn't seem to make them stop.

Heidi sat next to him, and he curled against her side like he was a child.

"Okay, okay." she shushed, "What's wrong? What happened?"

"M-My friend is missing," Evan managed to push out, his voice choked.

His mother looked a little shocked, maybe from a mix of Evan having a missing friend and Evan _having_ friends, in general.

"Oh, honey. When did you find this out?"

"T-this morning. Z-Zoe told me."

Heidi smelled good. Like jasmine and freshly laundered clothing. You would think she'd smell like the hospital, but no.

"What's their name?" Heidi asked, humming. She had a sweet, soothing voice that never failed to calm Evan down.

"Connor. Connor M-Murphy." saying his name put a fresh lump in Evan's throat.

"Well, Connor is going to be fine, you hear? I'm sure his parents have everybody they can looking for him."

Evan shook his head, and pulled away so he could dry his face with the back of his hand.

"N-no, it's not like t-that. His parents aren't looking for him. H-he went to a party and didn't come back home, and Zoe told me that he's p-probably getting over a high or something but I'm w-worried."

Heidi's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and Evan backtracked, thinking about what he had said wrong.

"A-a high? Evan, what? Who is this Connor?"

Evan shook his head, "He's my friend, mom,"

Heidi straightened a little, clear worry etched in her face.

"Since when do you hang out with druggies?"

"Mom, no-"

"Yesterday you didn't even have any friends, according to my knowledge and-oh. Oh honey, no, I didn't-"

Evan's eyes had grown wide, and Heidi stopped abruptly. She tried to take his hand, but he pulled away.

Evan shook his head, and pushed himself up from the couch. A fresh wave of tears burned at the back of his eyes, and he suddenly had a thought that this was a heinous night. One of those nights where tomorrow seems light years away, and he didn't think he could take it.

He wondered if Connor ever felt that way.

"H-he's my friend."

"Is he making you do drugs? Is he? Honey, please just talk to me. That's all I ask!" Heidi reached out for Evan, but he stepped back, smarting from the comment about his lack of friends. "You don't talk to me anymore! I-I feel like I know nothing about your life!"

"That's because you're never home! How am I supposed to talk to you if you're never there?!"

Heidi stood, arms outstretched like she was silently begging for a hug. Evan backed away, a few feet from the door.

"I'm doing my best, Evan! You think it's easy?! Trying to raise you and-and trying to work and take classes and keep my life from falling apart?"

Evan bit his lip. Hard, so he tasted blood.

"Well, I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to you-"

Heidi shook her head, "No," she croaked.

"And I'm sorry that I'm so fucking d-damaged-"

"Stop it! Evan! STOP IT!"

She rushed forward, grabbing Evan's arms and holding them to his side. He squeezed his eyes tight as she brushed the hair out of them, and he turned his face away.

"You are the best thing that ever happened to me." she whispered.

Evan shook his head, and pulled away. His mother couldn't possibly be telling the truth, not when he himself knew how much of a bother he was, how much easier she would have it if he was never born.

Evan backed away, and Heidi didn't try to stop him as he ran out the door and into the cool night.

He stumbled as he ran, and landed on the pavement. Evan hissed in pain, and brought the hand he had landed on up to his face to inspect. The scrape burned like hell.

For a moment, he contemplated just staying there on the pavement forever. Instead, he pushed himself up and ran, holding his injured hand close to his chest. The sun was setting, and the sky was a palette of beautiful colors that Evan simply couldn't appreciate at the moment.

He didn't have any particular destination in mind, but somehow his reeling thoughts came together to form the simple idea of going to the park. It was where he and Jared had played when their mothers were hanging out, and it was usually empty by this late. In fact, it was usually empty, anyways. The swings were rusted with age, and the single slide was rickety and too hazardous to use.

It used to be full of people and children, but, for reasons, Evan didn't know, people slowly stopped coming. Since no one came, the city saw no reason to ever fix up the park, and so it collected dust and age, and was shoved into the back of everyone's memories.

Even Evan had forgotten about it, until that moment. Still, it was the only place he had to go to. And it was close. Evan could run to it in a matter of minutes. And so run he did, as hard as he could until he was hot and breathless and his sides ached, and then further, until the park was in sight.

The park was in a secluded area, hidden by trees and only accessible from the road if you took a small dirt path. In hindsight, probably not the best place to put a park if you want people to find it, but Evan had always loved it. He had always thought there was something exciting about being cut off from the rest of the world.

Now he was just grateful to be alone.

Evan walked over the slide, and sat at the bottom. In groaned in protest, it's structure so fragile a rough breeze could blow it away. It was slightly wet from a recent rain, but Evan tried not to let that bother him. The trees blocked most of the sunset from his sight, but he could still see the brilliant shades of red and orange that tinged the sky, and the few stars that were beginning to twinkle through.

He closed his eyes.

His mother would probably come after him soon. She never liked it when he was out late. She worried, Evan knew.

He wondered if she would remember this park, and some to find him here, or if it had been erased from her memory as it had from everyone else's. It probably had.

Would she try to call him?

Wait.

His phone.

Evan sighed, and mumbled to no one in particular but himself, "I'm such an idiot."

He fumbled for his phone and dialed Connor's number.

"Please, please." he whispered, biting his lip.

It rang for so long Evan thought he was going to cry...or shout...or throw something. Anything to get rid of all this dreadful worry that had been haunting him all day.

"Hello?"

Evan's heart lifted with relief as soon as he heard Connor speak, and then sank again when he heard the unmistakable sounds of a party raging in the background.

"C-Connor? Are you alright?"

"Evan? Psh. Yeah, I'm fine."

Evan closed his eyes once more. Connor was so obviously not fine. Evan could tell he was high just by the way he was talking, with his words slow and slurred.

"Where are you?" Evan asked.

"What? Why?"

"So I can come pick you up."

"You're not my mom, Evan." Connor snapped irritably. Evan blinked, shocked. Connor never snapped at him. At everyone else, yes, but never him.

"I-I know, but you're high and-"

"I'm always high, Hansen. God," he laughed, "don't be so dense."

Evan gripped the edge of the slide, suddenly very scared that he would slip off and fall into an abyss of sorts. It was possible, in this alternate universe where Connor was snappish and Heidi yelled and nobody seemed to care.

"Connor, please. You don't have to-to do this. I'm right here. You can come to my place, you don't have to go home. We can watch Netflix or something."

"How many times do I have to say this? I'm fine. F-I-N-E."

On the other end, the crowd whooped and hollered.

"You're not fine!" Evan said, frustrated, "You're high and you need to come home right now! You're going to get yourself hurt!"

"Get out of my ass, Hansen!"

Evan felt a sob build up in his chest, and he bit the palm of his hand to keep it from escaping. Connor wasn't talking directly to him anymore, but he could hear him yelling along with the crowd through the phone.

Then the line went dead, and Evan dropped his phone into his lap like it had burned him.

It didn't seem possible to him that....whoever he had just talked to could possibly be _his_ Connor. It sounded like him. It used his phone. But Connor would never-no, _had_ never talked to Evan liked that. Like he didn't care if his words hurt him. Not since they had become friends.

Evan pulled his legs up onto the slide, and hugged them to his chest. He didn't care when the tears came. He let them fall until his vision blurred and the sky turned black. Almost two hours later, when Jared and Heidi finally found him, he was still in that same position. His whole body was numb, and he was so, so tired. Jared and Heidi had to prop him up as they walked to the car. By the time they got home, all three of them were exhausted. Jared didn't even bother asking for a ride home, he just went straight up to Evan's room.

Evan followed close behind him, but not before Heidi took him by the arm and hugged him like she would never let go.

Jared and Evan fell onto his bed, both too tired to change or get even under the sheets.

"Don't....don't do that again." Jared murmured, putting an arm underneath his head. Evan rolled on his side so he could look out the window. He couldn't actually see much, but it was nice to have something to look at besides the dark room.

"I won't." Evan promised half-heartedly.

Jared didn't hear him, however. He was already asleep.

There was the sound of sirens in the distance, and cicadas, and a light pitter-patter of rain as it began to fall. Evan let them lull him to sleep, and was dreaming before the sirens faded and before the sky opened up, releasing a torrent of rain.

 


	7. SEVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> surviving after a major apocalyptic event is not going to be short term since the entire country or the world is likely to be falling apart––there are no two ways around that reality.  
> -wikihow-how to suvive an apocolypse

"Evan. Evan, you need to get up right now."

Evan opened his eyes with a groan. Glancing quickly out the window, he saw it was still dark outside. So why was his mother waking him up?

Heidi sat on the edge of his bed, her mouth set in an urgent grimace. Evan hadn't seen her look so distressed since the day she told him about the divorce....and even then, Evan had to read her eyes. Even then, she had tried to look happy for him.

She had no facade now.

He sat up quickly, just then realizing Jared wasn't next to him. The spot where he had sleeping was warm, though, so Evan assumed whatever was wrong had nothing to do with him.

"What's going on?" he asked, his voice scratchy from sleep. He coughed.

Heidi opened her mouth like she might answer him, but, after thinking for a second, closed it once more. She shook her head.

"It be best if I explain it in the car. Jared's already downstairs, waiting. You don't have time to get dressed, but....Evan...." she shifted forward on the bed, and hugged her son for what seemed to be the millionth time that night. "I love you so much and everything is going to be okay."

Evan his heart quicken at her words.

"M-mom? What's happening? Where are we going?"

She stood, and started sifting through Evan's top drawer. She threw him a big grey sweatshirt, and he pulled it on without thinking. He realized that Heidi was in her work clothes, which didn't make any sense.

Evan scrambled out of bed, stumbling because, while his mind was running marathons, his actual body was still half asleep. Heidi didn't act like she was going to answer his questions anytime soon, so Evan followed her downstairs.

Jared was standing by the front door, in bunny slippers and a pair of Evan's flannel pajama bottoms. He was zipping up a blue windbreaker, his face tired and drawn. He looked up when he saw them rushing down the stairs, and his gaze immediately zeroed in on Evan.

"Evan, I don't know what you heard, but everything is going to be fine."

Evan grabbed his moccasins, the easiest shoes he had, and slipped them on. He was trying not to let it show, seeing as they were both already so worried about him, but any level of hope he had that his mother was just exaggerating something small, and everything was secretly fine, had disappeared as soon as he saw Jared. It was almost impossible to bring him down. Jared was always ready with a joke or reassuring remark to make a situation better, but...he looked just as bad as Heidi. In fact, he looked worse.

"Everyone keeps saying that," Evan mumbled, "but neither of you will tell me what's going on."

It was like a small hurricane had come to town. The wind whipped and howled, making even the boy's short hair dance and tangle. Most of Heidi's ponytail came undone in the short time it took them to get to the car. It was raining buckets-no, _lakes_ , and every now and then there would be a clash of thunder so big Evan though the whole sky was crashing down on them.

And there was lightening. Evan had always like lightning, even though it was a natural enemy of trees. It seemed chaotic and unpredictable, but really it could be explained using simple science. It was just a matter of two different charges connecting, the negative charge coming from the clouds, and meeting the positive in the ground.

Simple, understandable, and all together chaotically beautiful. Evan liked that.

He once thought that Connor reminded him of lightning. Everyone found him complicated, but Evan understood him. Understood that he wasn't just meant to be there for a flash, destroy something, and move on.

Now he could see he had it backwards: Connor was lightening the way everyone _else_ thought of lightning. Destruction at nature's finest, with no easy explanation as to why it happens, unless you're a professional.

What was there left for him to understand if he couldn't unravel the mysteries of his own best friend?

Once they were safe inside the car (Evan remembered being taught that a car is the safest place to be during a thunderstorm. The electricity from the lightening, if it hits you, kind of rolls off the top of the car), Evan mentally prepared himself. He knew there was the option of waiting until they arrived at their destination to find out what was going on, but it's 200% harder to survive in battle unarmed.

"D-do I get to be let in on what's happening now?" he asked, shivering from the rain that had easily soaked through his sweatshirt.

Heidi and Jared exchanged a quick glance in the rear-view mirror, and Jared placed a hand on Evan's shoulder. He couldn't help but think how much he hated this serious look on him. If Jared would just smile, only the tiniest bit, Evan wouldn't feel like he was drowning with worry.

"Evan, there was-Connor-"

Evan shook his head. Suddenly, he didn't want to hear whatever it was Jared wanted to tell him about Connor. Because nothing could _possibly_ be wrong with him. Connor Murphy could not be the cause of the black cloud of-of _distress_ that hung in their minds and was thicker than any Cumulonimbus cloud overhead.

"I-I talked to him on the phone earlier," Evan said. Both Heidi and Jared gave him confused looks, and he remembered that neither of them could read his mind. "I talked to him on the phone earlier. J-just a few hours ago. Connor can't be-can't be _not fine_ , because I talked to him on the phone earlier." he explained.

Jared licked his bottom lip, brow furrowed like he was trying hard to find a way to get his point through to him.

Evan wished he could find the words to tell his mother to turn the car around. He wasn't into this joke. It wasn't fair. So they might as well go home and continue sleeping as though none of this had ever happened. Evan would forgive them easily if they just admitted they were kidding.

"There an accident. Connor w-was high, and he tried to drive home, but he-he shouldn't have been driving home under the influence. He shouldn't have." Jared wiped tears away with the palm of his hand, and laughed a little. It wasn't the laugh Evan had been praying for, though. It was the laugh of a man who just realized that he had just lost everything in a tornado, but found one small portrait of his deceased wife intact in the rubble. Evan was struggling to find the portrait in Jared's words.

Instead of going on, Jared dropped his head into his hands. Panic rose in Evan's stomach and forced it's way up his throat. He thought he was going to throw up.

"Jared. Jared, please just tell me i-if he's alright." Evan whispered, straining against his seat-belt so he could force his friend to look him in the eyes.

Jared stared back at him for a second, and another crack of thunder sounded dramatically through the sky.

"Zoe called us as they were heading into the hospital. She knew you would want to be there. But she didn't have time to give us any details, and she didn't know much, anyways." Jared said slowly, like he was talking to a toddler.

"S-so? Is he okay? That's all-that's all I need to know. Please."

Jared ducked his head, and Heidi took over for him, looking up at Evan through the rear view mirror.

"Honey, we don't know."

=~=

Heidi threw off her coat and passed it to Evan as they rushed into the hospital. He took it, confused.

"W-where are you going? Don't tell me you have to work right now."

Heidi looked over at him, her eyes both surprised and pained that Evan's mind would go immediately to that.

She put a hand on his cheek, "No, sweetheart, I'm going incognito. I'm a nurse. I might be able to get some updates on how Connor's doing, check him out myself, if I'm lucky."

That was the first bit of hope Evan had been offered all day. He smiled slightly, though it lived short.

"Thanks, mom."

"I would do anything for you, Evan. I know how important he is to you." Heidi assured him, kissing his forehead sweetly and quickly before hurrying away.

Jared mussed up his hair, sending water droplets flying everywhere, like he was a wet dog.

"I guess we have to take the citizens entrance?"

They walked up to the front desk (their shoes squelching with every step) as calmly as their nerves would allow. Evan had always hated hospitals, even though his mother worked in one. They reminded him of pills and anxiety tests-just lot's and lot's and lot's of _tests_ , in general-and shots. He could never do shots. He cried when getting them up until he was thirteen, and Heidi always had to deliver them so he wouldn't freak out as much.

"Hello. We're here to see Connor Murphy? He came in about an hour ago....?"

The secretary was young and pretty, with big blue eyes and long brown hair pulled back into a bun. She smiled, and typed Connor's name into the database.

"Mmm...yes, it looks like he's here. He's in surgery right now."

Evan could've melted with relief. Connor was alive. _Connor was alive!_

And Evan was going to _kill_ him, as soon as he had the chance.

But right now his heart was doing jumping jacks, and he felt so light he thought he might fly away. He didn't hear the rest of what the secretary said, he just felt Jared dragging him by the arm to the elevator.

Being as it was, in fact, four in the morning, they didn't have to squeeze into the elevator with anyone but a tall man, dressed in regular clothing, holding a balloon bouquet. Evan wondered why he was bringing them this early. Evan probably would've loved to know that the man was bringing the balloons to his young daughter, who was staying the night after getting chemotherapy, the firsts of many operations she would need. He had her convinced that a fairy-or maybe an angel, even-would appear in her room during the middle of the night and bought her presents for when she awoke.

Evan rested his head on Jared's shoulder.

"What did you dream about last night?" he wondered.

"What?" Jared asked, surprised.

Evan shook his head, "Never mind. It's a stupid question. I just...need to be distracted. Sorry."

Jared smiled, the corners of his mouth lopsided. The elevator dinged, and they hurried out, starting down the hall. Jared shoved his hands into the pockets of Evan's pants.

"It was about Link."

Evan looked up at him, surprised.

"Your dream?"

Jared nodded, and took that as an okay to continue, "I don't really remember about what, but I know that we were somewhere really special and...." he blushed, and his voice changed to a low whisper, "he picked me up and kissed me, and then..." Jared shrugged, "it got really weird from there. We grew wings or something and flew into space."

Evan laughed. The sound startled him so much that he covered his mouth with his hand, before catching Jared's eye and laughing again.

Jared burned an even darker shade of red, and he hit Evan's arm.

"Shut up. It's not like you haven't had weird, slightly kinkier dreams about Z-ow! Shit!"

Evan had pinched him before he could go on, because suddenly they were in the presence of the Murphy family. All three of the present members were staring at them like they were aliens. Evan flushed to a matching shade as Jared, and mentally kicked himself.

There was a stretch of awkward silence before Zoe finally saved Evan from disintegrating under Larry Murphy's laser stare.

"Evan! J-Jared? Jared! You came." she rushed forward and took Even by the arm, pulling him deeper into the lion's den-I mean, _waiting room_. "Mom, dad, this is Evan Hansen and his friend, Jared Kingman."

Neither of them bothered to correct her on her mistake.

"What are they doing here?" Cynthia Murphy asked, fiddling with a lace handkerchief.

"I-I'm a friend of Connor's." Evan tried to explain. His voice came out high-pitched and as anxious-sounding as he felt inside.

"You're a druggie, too?" Larry humphed, and crossed his arms. "You don't look like the type, kid."

Evan glanced over to see Jared practically perspiring with the effort not to go over and strangle him. Evan flexed his fingers, fantasizing that the idea didn't sound so bad, the more you thought about it.

"N-no, sir, I'm not. We're just friends."

Cynthia put a hand on her husband's arm before he could say anything else, and crossed the room to Evan and Jared. She took Evan's hands in her own, and he shifted uncomfortably. Her makeup was blotchy and runny, yet her outfit was expensive and neat, not a hair out of place.

"Well," she said, "we're _very_ pleased to meet you. Any friend of Connor's is a son to us."

Jared grinned, "Good to hear. Do they have a cafeteria in this place, or....?"

Connor's parents looked affronted, but Zoe stood up, eager to get away.

"There is. I can take you."

They followed her down the hall and to the elevator, which they rode down with the same man before. Evan noted that he was now balloonless, but a smile lit up his face like the sun was shining out of him. He wondered how anyone could possibly be so happy.

"Is there any n-news on Connor?" Evan whispered as they stepped out of the elevator. "We don't know practically anything. W-what's the story?"

Zoe's features turned stormy, and Evan almost regretted asking. Almost.

"Long story short, he got high, got into a car _while high_ , and my brother is a fucking idiot."

Jared's eyebrows shot up in surprise, and Evan couldn't blame him. He knew the Murphy sibling feud was infamous, but by the way Zoe was talking, it was like she wouldn't have cared if Connor had died or not.

"B-but his condition. Did they tell you anything about that?"

Zoe turned suddenly, and brushed a lock of Evan's hair to the side. She sighed in relief, "Thank God, that was bothering me this entire time."

"S-sorry?" Evan blushed, his whole body tingling from the touch.

Zoe laughed, "Don't worry, you look adorable with bedhead."

She started back down the hall like nothing had happened, and Jared winked at Evan, whose stomach was doing back-flips, spread-eagles, and somersaults.

"We don't know how he's doing, to be honest." Zoe continued, her voice sounding strained and tired, "But I think they would tell us if he was dead." Evan winced, but Zoe didn't notice. "Anyways, here's the cafeteria. I'm so hungry I could eat....a Kraken. Mmm, I love squid. Do you think they have any?"

She wandered off, and Jared pulled Evan in another direction before he could decide whether to follow her or not.

"What?" Evan asked as Jared dragged him to a sandwich bar.

"Can I just say 'no' and be done with it?"

"I really don't think you can this time."

Jared ignored him, and licked his lips. After debating inwardly for a minute, he walked up the counter and slid a bill across it.

"I'll have a Boston Creme Pie, please."

The man at the counter raised his eyebrow, and Evan could tell he was thinking the same thing he was; _Boston Cream Pie? At a sandwich shop?_

Still, he pulled out the pre-packaged treat and handed it to Jared.

"Thanks. Have a good morning/night." he said, dropping the rest of the bill into the tip jar. The man's eyes widened, and he tilted the jar to see how much Jared had put in.

Apparently, it was a good amount.

"T-thank you! Have a good night!" the sandwich man called jovially, waving to Jared.

"How much did you put in there?"

Jared shrugged and put his arm around Evan's shoulders.

"I don't honestly know. I found it in _your_ pockets." Evan hit his arm, and Jared gasped, "Wha-hey! I'm sharing my pie with you!"

Evan shook his head and looked around the cafeteria. Is was empty except for the few vendors setting up shop, so you think it would be easy to find Zoe. Instead, she was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's um, where's Zoe?"

"I do-" Jared started to say.

Someone tapped Evan on the shoulder, startling him so much he almost collapsed.

"Oh!" Zoe said, breathless for some reason, "Evan, c'mon. He's out of surgery, and he's asking for you."

=~=

Even though Evan all but ran to Connor's room, once he was on the wrong side of the curtain, he hesitated. Why had Connor asked to see him and not his own family? Okay, he knew the answer to that. So, then, how had Connor known he'd be here?

Easy. Evan would _always_ be there, even if Connor was the biggest douche and the biggest idiot to ever exist, he would always come.

Heidi stepped outside, obviously looking for Evan. When she saw him, she beckoned him to come inside. Again, Evan hesitated. It was like his feet were glued directly to the spot.

Heidi saw, and walked over to hug him.

"He's waiting for you." she whispered into his hair.

"I-is it bad?"

Heidi laughed lightly, and shook her head.

"No, Evan, he'll be fine."

 _Fine, fine, fine._ The word danced in Evan's ears, and his shoulders relaxed with relief.

"But, you do have to get in there quickly. He's really trying hard to fight the drugs and stay awake for you, but that's not good. Also, this may or may not be illegal." she smiled, "You've got five minutes. Go."

She gently pushed Evan closer to the room, successfully uncementing his feet. He looked back at her once before entering, but Heidi wasn't there. Obviously, she wanted to give them some privacy.

Evan took a breath to calm his heart, and stepped inside.

His first though was, _oh, that's not actually so bad._ Then, _what am I saying? He looks like literal death._ Evan's heart constricted in his chest just looking at him.

Connor blinked, then squeezed his eyes shut, yawning.

"E-Evan?" he sat up suddenly, or, at least, _tried_ to sit up. Connor groaned as waves of pain washed over him. Evan rushed over, and then tentatively sat on the edge of his hospital bed.

"Oh my gosh, yeah, don't get up." he urged, laughing weakly.

Connor had a short row of stitches running from his temple to his eyebrow, a faint bruise on his left cheekbone, and dark, purple bags under his eyes. And those were just the injuries he could _see_. Evan wished he had a magic wand that he could wave over him and make all of it disappear.

"How're you feeling?" he whispered.

Connor winced, and rolled his shoulder.

"Crap. Crapalicious. Shitastic. But I'm loaded up on enough painkillers so that nothing hurts." he frowned, and rested his head back against his pillow. "Like drugs are the _one thing_ I want in my system right now. Well, more drugs."

Evan nodded, and ducked his head, running his fingers over the soft, thin blanket they had given Connor.

Connor watched him for a moment. 

"Evan. I am so-I'm so sorry for all that shit I said. I don't know why I _said_ that, because...because I didn't mean it. I swear. And that makes up for absolutely fucking nothing. You're not-you're not dense, and I don't get annoyed that you worry because it's nice-nice to have someone actually care, and I-I should have let you pick me up. I'm sorry." he ducked his head, cheeks flaming.

Evan nodded.

"You don't have to worry about that right now, okay? Just....get better really soon."

He rubbed his hands on his legs, and started to stand up. Connor grabbed his arm, not roughly, but enough to get his attention.

"Wha-"

He was cut off as Connor, with surprising strength for someone who was supposed to be injured, pulled him down and kissed him. Evan sank onto the bed, never breaking contact with him. He was sure he would have time to regret this later, loads of it, but he quieted the usual screaming in his brain just for the moment. A warm feeling settled over Evan, and he suddenly felt like he was outside, with a nice breeze blowing and the sun shining on his face. The air smelled like apples, and Evan smiled into the kiss as Connor threaded his hands into his hair. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan's waist, and gently pulled away. For a second, everything was fine. Evan smiled at Connor, who kissed the tip of his nose.

"It smells like apples," Evan whispered breathlessly.

Then the world-quite literally, it seemed-broke into pieces. Evan screamed and held onto Connor tightly as the orchard scene collapsed into darkness, and then everything went black. He couldn't see or hear or smell anything, he could only feel Connor's arms tighten around him as they fell. At least, Evan thought they were falling. Where to, he wasn't sure. But it seemed endless, and he was afraid they would be free falling until the end of times.

Then, just as suddenly as it had started, the acid-trip ended, and Evan landed with a jolt back in his own body. He thought he was still falling, for a minute, just because everything was black. Then someone shook him gently.

"Evan?! Evan, open your eyes." Connor ordered frantically.

Evan shut his eyes even tighter, his heart racing a mile a minute.

"Uh uh. Uh uh."

"Evan."

Evan swallowed. He opened one cautious eye. He was surprised to find the world looked exactly as he had left it. He had been expecting a spinning purple portal to have appeared on the wall, at _least._ But, slowly, it all came together. The beeping of the respiratory machines, the smell of antiseptic.

Evan more than a little wanted to hurl.

And of course, Connor Murphy, who was looking a little flustered, a little victorious, and a _lot_ scared.

"What just happened?" Evan whispered, his eyes now wide, wide open.

Someone cleared their throat in the doorway, and Evan and Connor's heads snapped towards the source of the sound to find a gaping, pie-covered, Jared.

"You two are soulmates?"


	8. EIGHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> faithfully guarded, remain behind where the blessing of love shall preserve you! triumphant courage, love and happiness join you in faith as the happiest of couples. champion of youth, remain here!  
> jewel of youth, remain here! flee now the splendows of the wedding feast, may the delights of the heart be yours!  
> -song and praise

"I-I-wow. Okay. Wait, let this sink in." Jared folded his hands, and put them up to his lips. He rocked back and forth on his heels for a bit. Once it had all sunken in, he grinned, and looked back up at them. "Mazel tov!"

Evan stared at him, his brain completely fried. Connor must've been in about the same state, because blank looks were the only responses Jared received.

"I mean, that's what happened, right? I walked in here and almost got my eyes burned out by a supernova, which had you two encased in the center....I'm assuming that means what I think it means?"

"I think I'm going to be sick," Evan mumbled as his stomach flipped. Connor groaned in agreement.

Jared peered at them, and it was obvious by the way his face was screwed up that he thought they both had literally gone insane.

"Aw, c'mon, Ev. He's not _that_ bad." Jared quipped. Connor glared at him, which was pretty intimidating, even in his rough state. Jared huffed in disbelief, "What's wrong with you two?" he said, throwing his hands into the air, "You just found out you're soulmates, and you're complaining about being queasy?"

Connor and Evan avoided each other's eyes, and Jared rolled his own.

"What's even happening here?"

To be honest, Evan wasn't quite sure himself. He was just beginning to wrap his mind around the fact that he had a _soulmate_ , and that soulmate was _Connor Murphy_ , the brother of his longtime crush.

It seemed that both Connor and Evan were too afraid to answer Jared's question. Connor was too afraid of saying something wrong, of scaring Evan off. Because...why shouldn't he be? Evan was feeling _conflicted_ , to say the least, and the last thing Connor wanted to do was dump more stress on his shoulders....especially after all he had put him through in the past twenty-four hours alone.

Evan swallowed, and pinched himself. Hard.

"Ah!" he yelped, causing Connor and Jared to both jump back in alarm.

He was awake after all, then.

"Oh. Oh, God."

"What?" Jared asked, "What's wrong?"

"I'm soulmates with my crush's brother, isn't that reason enough to freak out?!" he dropped his head into his hands,

Both Connor and Jared were surprised by his outburst. Evan didn't see it, but a range of emotions flitted across Connor's face-anger, sadness, jealousy, and then resignation-before he turned his head so he was staring so intently at the border curtain one might think it had personally offended him.

If Connor had anything to say before, he was at a loss for words now. Honestly, what had been hoping? That Evan's crush on Zoe would just magically _disappear!_ like a magician's trick with one.....one perfect kiss? No. That would be idiotic. Why would that _ever_ happen?

Jared took over the role of Connor's spokesman.

"What the hell, Evan? You and Zoe aren't even dating. You and _Connor_ are soulmates. Are you just going to ignore that? Do you know the likelihood that you and Connor would even meet and realize that, oh hey! you're each other's perfect match? Very few people get that, Evan! Some people search their whole lives for that! And what, you're going to throw it away on one stupid crush?"

"Jared," Connor muttered pleadingly, his cheeks red with embarrassment.

Evan's heart sank as he looked up at Connor, who was still burning holes into the curtain with his gaze. 

"Oh God, Connor I am so sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, it's fine, Evan. It was stupid of me to kiss you. I honestly don't know what came over me. We can just....pretend this never happened, okay?" he assured him softly.

Jared looked like he was going to throttle them both, but he didn't speak up.

Evan nodded, and then slowly shook his head.

"N-no. We can't just pretend this never happened. But I can't-I can't _think_ right now _._ I just-I never thought-this is all going so fast." he felt a sob rising in his chest, and he fought to push it down. Because what they did _not_ need right now was Evan having a panic attack, or Evan bursting into tears. Both of which would be more than mildly embarrassing.

Connor looked back at Evan, "I'm not expecting you to just drop everything and be with me."

"Connor-" Evan protested feebly. 

 _Did_  he want to be with Connor? He had never considered it as an option before, because-well-it _wasn't_  an option before. If they were, indeed, _soulmates_ , then the stakes were doubled should they decide they wanted to be together. Because if they were together, there wasn't exactly any other route to take. If Connor got sick of Evan, he would be left with no one. 

But at the same time, if Connor didn't get sick of him....

Evan didn't realize he had been daydreaming until Connor's voice jolted him out of his thoughts.

 "No. Listen, um, I'm really tired. Is it alright....?"

The last thing Evan wanted to do was leave Connor. Especially when they had gotten absolutely nowhere in trying to figure out what the heck they were supposed to do now. But Connor was absolutely adamant. Jared took Evan by the arm and pulled him to his feet.

"See you later, Connor." Jared said softly, like it was more of an apology than a goodbye.

"Yeah, night, Jared. Evan." Connor cleared his throat, and tried to get comfortable. Evan's eyes were downcast as they walked out the door. He shot one last glance over his shoulder at Connor, who was very obviously _not_ asleep.

As soon as they were outside of Connor's room, Jared flicked the back of Evan's head.

"Hey-"

"Don't you even. You deserve that! And this!" he hit him again, and Evan winced. "What the hell was that, Hansen?"

Evan's heart tightened at the nickname. Only Connor called him that.

"Since when do you call me 'Hansen'?"

"Since I'm mad at you! Did you not see him in there? He loves you and you just broke his heart! Did you _have_  to bring up Zoe?"

"You think you're the one freaking out here?!"

Jared huffed, "Everything would be a whole lot easier if you weren't such a dick! God, Evan, do you not realize what you just said in there? You are _that guy_ who runs away with his bride's sister! You are _literally that guy._ "

"I'm s-"

Jared shook his head, "No. Just-stop talking. Let's find your mom and get out of here, I doubt Connor will be too eager to see us anytime soon."

They wandered back into the waiting room, where the three Murphys jumped to their feet.

"How is he?" Cynthia asked.

"He doesn't want to see us."

"What's going on?" Zoe probed, more to the point.

 _Well,_ Evan thought, _I sure wish I knew._

Evan smiled meekly, "He's um, he's um doing fine-he just needs some rest, that's all. He says to tell you he'll see you....in the morning?"

If they weren't in the present company, I bet he would've gotten another flick to the back of his head.

Cynthia looked down at the floor, distraught.

"Oh. I guess I understand. He must be tired from all the drugs they gave him."

"Yeah," Larry scoffed, "like he didn't have enough in his system already."

Zoe ducked her head, obviously ashamed of her father's remarks. Though, she wasn't _much_ better.

"I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow?" she said hopefully.

The question could have been directed to either of them, but Zoe looked mostly to Evan as she said this.

Jared tugged at Evan's arm, a passive-aggressive smile on his face.

"Thanks. We'll see you there." he said to Zoe, a way-to-obvious amount of sass in his voice.

He marched Evan out of the waiting room, still tightly gripping his arm.

This was about the maddest Evan had ever seen him. Evan barely had time to wave a quick goodbye to Zoe before they were halfway down the hall.

Evan jerked his arm away, "Dude, what the hell?"

" _Dude, what the hell?_ " Jared mimicked, "I'm just saving you from getting into more trouble than you're already in. Honestly, am I the _only one_ committed to your relationship with Connor?"

Evan decided to let it slide how creepy that sounded.

"You don't need to push Zoe away-"

"I think I do. I really, _really_ think I do."

Evan was going to protest, but, just like that, they were at the front desk.

The same secretary as before sat behind the counter, still smiling.

"Everything going well?" she asked politely.

Jared grinned, "Yeah, great. Can you do me a favor and use that intercom of your's to call Heidi Hansen, please?"

The secretary smiled. Evan would really have to learn her name. She was nice.

"Just give me a minute."

=~=

About fifteen minutes later, the three of them were on the road. They didn't bother stopping at Jared's house to drop him off because, at this point, his mother probably already assumed he was dead. Heidi was going to be in some serious trouble with her best friend.

"How did everything go? With Connor?" Heidi asked, peeking at him through the rearview mirror.

Evan forced a smile, "He's doing fine. I mean, you already knew that, but-um-we're fine. Everything is g-good."

Heidi smiled, "I'm glad. I was thinking....maybe we can revive Taco Tuesday next week, and have Connor over? I would love to get to know him. How does that sound? Jared, you're welcome, too."

Evan smiled nervously, and decided that the best course of action would be to lie through his teeth.

"I would like that, yeah."

Jared grinned wryly, "And I would _never_ miss one of Heidi Hansen's famous Taco Tuesdays."

By the time they arrived at the Hansen home, the sun had mostly risen, though there was still a few colorful streaks on the horizons.

There was really no point to any of them going to sleep at that point, since they had to 'wake up' for school in an hour and a half.

There was the power nap option, but it was likely that none of them would ever wake up in time to get started on their day.

The three of them sat in the living room, and Evan tried (and failed) not to fall asleep on Jared's shoulder.

Seeing him, and Jared, who was trying hard to not pass out, Heidi laughed.

"I don't think you have to go to school today, not after everything that happened."

Jared sighed in relief, and poked Evan's cheek, "You hear that? We're home free!"

Evan gave a quiet, sleepy, "Yay," before conking out once more.

Heidi smiled and took a blanket off the chair she was using, and spread it over Evan and Jared.

"Thanks, Heidi." Jared said gratefully, leaning against the sleeping Evan and closing his own eyes.

"No problem." Heidi assured him, "Get some rest."

=~=

When Evan woke about three hours later, Jared, for once, was still asleep. Evan didn't see any point in waking him, and instead wandered into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal.

For a moment, he thought it was the weekend. Evan wondered what Connor was doing, and if he might be able to come over and play video games or finish watching Sherlock.

Then he remembered, and he almost dropped his cereal. He leaned against the table for support, his head spinning.

Connor....God, no, Evan did _not_ deserve him.

He thought back to the kiss, and something knotted in his stomach. It really had been perfect. It really had been confusing. Evan had gone from having a downright obsessive crush on Zoe Murphy to being soulmates with her brother in a matter of minutes. How was he supposed to react to that? How was he possibly supposed to voice to Connor-Jared- _to anyone_ that he was certain the universe was fucking with him? And how it was impossible for Evan to sort through everything he was feeling?  
Oh, to be Alana for just one moment. Evan dearly wished _he_ had a mental filing cabinet, because right now his brain was messy as hell.

He put his cereal down on the table, suddenly feeling the same queasiness as he had after the kiss. Evan took out a piece of paper and a pen, and sat down to write.

When Jared woke up half an hour later, he found Evan in the kitchen, still furiously scribbling. There was barely any led left in his mechanical pencil. He saw Jared come in, and he smiled happily. He put down his pencil as though he had been waiting for Jared the whole time.

Jared approached him, a little wary. Evan was not a morning person. For all he knew, Evan could have been compiling a list of the murders he was planning to commit that day.

"What's that?" Jared asked.

Evan slid the paper across the table, biting his lip.

"Is this....a venn diagram?"

"Yeah. Remember when you made that _Sasquatch Vs. Connor Murphy_ one? Well, I needed something to help sort my thoughts, and....remembering it gave me the idea to do this."

"You made a Connor Murphy venn diagram?" Jared said, raising an eyebrow.

Evan tapped his fingers against the table anxiously, "Yeah, well, it helped. At least this one proved something."

Jared held up one finger, looking affronted.

"Connor _is_ bigfoot, he confirmed it himself. I can show you the texts."

"Just....read it. But don't tell me if it's stupid. It's pretty stupid, and mushy, I know but it was the best I could do. I-is it bad?"

Jared rolled his eyes, and began to read.

"Pros: makes me happy, make me feel comfortable, important. Blue eyes. Soulmates. Protective." Jared looked up at Evan, who blushed and suddenly became _very_ interested in the table. The corners of Jared's mouth twitched, and he kept going, "Etc. Cons: weed. Parties to much, makes me worry. Need him too much. Need him too much? Evan, how is that a con?"

"How is that not a con?" Evan murmured, tracing the grooves on the table top with the tip of his finger.

Jared put the paper down on the table, "So, does this mean what I think it means?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I-I think it does."

 

 


	9. NINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and want to propose marriage. falling in love was scary enough, but now, every time you think about proposing, your hands start to shake. don't worry — making a marriage proposal is easy once you have a game plan. follow these steps and you'll be heading to the altar in no time.  
> -wiki how to propose marriage

Jared smiled so widely it looked like it almost hurt.

"You've got to tell him. Wait, no-it's got to be something spectacular! Bigger than a wedding proposal-"

Evan gagged, " _Wedding_ proposal? Fuck, why can't we go out first?"

Jared rolled his eyes, "Stick with me here, Ev. Just think about it: maybe Connor is coming out of the hospital, crutches beneath his arms. And there you are! You come flying out to kiss him, and I can bring my trumpet and do that _der-de-de-DER!_ thing! Like when royalty enters a room?" he suggested, gesticulating excitedly.

Imagining it, Evan laughed. "I think that's probably not the best idea. Plus, I can't fly-tackle anything with my arm in a cast. Connor isn't really a flowers and chocolate kind of guy, anyways. I think it's probably best if I just....tell him how I feel."

Evan knew he wasn't the most skilled orator, but he also knew that he would screw up astronomically if he tried to do anything big. Besides, a simple 'I love you' can mean a lot more than a fancy dinner or expensive presents. Connor wasn't a material person. He once told Evan he could sell everything except for a change of clothes and his CD collection, and he would be just fine. He didn't have a lot of memory-filled mementos to hold on to, anyways. What use would he have with a Valentines teddy bear?

Jared raised his eyebrow in question, "And how _do_ you feel?"

Evan blanked, his mind racing with ideas that he just couldn't find the words for.

"I-I.... _gah_. I don't know!" he dropped his head into his hands, "It's really hard to describe out loud? It's also really, really confusing? It's just-this is all so n-new."

Evan's stomach churned. It was easy to put his ideas down on paper, in the form of letters or bulleted notes, but voicing them? A different issue altogether. As evident by the, _"_ _I'm soulmates with my crush's brother!"_ outburst from earlier that day....well, Evan said a lot of dumb things when he was under pressure.

"M-maybe if we came up with a script or something? I could read off that while I'm doing it-it would help make sure I don't m-miss anything."

Jared put a hand on his friend's shoulder, and Evan realized he was shaking. "Whoa. Okay, calm. You good?" Evan nodded weakly, which was a blatant lie. He felt a little bit like someone had dropped their pet elephant on his chest.

"'Kay. Listen, Evan, Connor is crazy for you."

"You can't know that." Evan protested softly, his voice muffled by his hands.

Jared bit his lip, and cocked his head. He was silent for a minute, as though he was thinking hard. His silence worried Evan just a bit, and he raised his head.

"W-what?"

Jared bit his thumb, "Actually, I can. But....I don't really fantasize having an angry Connor Murphy on my ass."

Evan straightened, "Jared, you can't just say something like that and not tell me what you're talking about. Otherwise, you'll have an even _angrier_ Evan Hansen on your....tail."

Jared rolled his eyes, and looked behind him like he expected to see Connor there. Of course, he wasn't, and Jared sighed.

"It was awhile back, when you had that panic attack?"

"Be more specific."

"Beginning of-last month, I think. You were talking to Zoe, and I noticed that you were wearing Connor's sweatshirt?"

Evan nodded, his cheeks burning in embarrassment at the memory....and a little bit at the fact that he had been wearing Connor's sweatshirt. He remembered that. It was gray, warm, and smelled a little bit like pot, but that was okay.

"Well, yeah. I thought there was something-something _odd_ about how protective he was acting throughout the whole thing, so I asked him about it. I expected him to blow me off, to tell you the truth, but instead he just made me promise not to tell you....didn't want to ruin your friendship, because of how bad you had it for Zoe. Speaking of which, what _is_ going on with that now?" he asked, earning a _can we not right now?_ glare from Evan. "Anyways, that's basically all there is to it. That's also why Connor and I are buds now, 'cause we texted so much afterward."

"How sweet. Do I get to see said texts?"

Jared shook his head, laughing a little.

"No way, treeboy. I have broken all the rules just by telling you all this."

Evan nodded, a little disappointed. He couldn't really blame Jared, but as he thought about what he was saying, his heart sped up.

"All this time?" he wondered aloud, startling Jared.

"What?"

"Has he really....really liked me all this time? And he's been trying to set me up with Zoe for most of it, too." Evan frowned, "Why would he _do_ that?"

"Because he likes you, Ev. Really, _really_ likes you. You're lucky."

There was a hint of envy in Jared's voice, which confused Evan a little bit. He didn't think the jealousy was directed towards his relationship with Connor, though.

"So, um, have you and pizza boy-Link-been talking?"

Jared blushed, and ducked his head. Ah. That explained a lot.

"Yeah. We're actually meeting up today to go get pizza and see the new Paranormal Activity." he smiled to himself, almost wistfully.

Evan grinned, "S-soulmates?"

"God, I hope so." he pushed his glasses further up on the bridge of his nose, and hit Evan's arm. "But let's focus on you and Connor. If you want to just straight up tell him, that's fine. Cool. But what are you going to say?"

"Er...."

Jared nodded, "I thought so. Here, pretend _I'm_ Connor."

Jared slouched, and shoved his hands into his pockets. It was a pretty spot-on impression; he even imitated the half-smile Connor almost always wore. Evan grimaced, insanely uncomfortable. The whole persona was just plain _creepy_ when you matched it with a Star Wars graphic tee-shirt and khaki shorts.

"Please, no."

Jared straightened back to his normal stance, to Evan's relief, frowning like he had crushed his dreams.

"Fine. Plan B." Jared picked up Evan's Venn diagram, quickly looking over it once more. "If you think you're going to be too nervous to say it out loud, write it out."

Evan squirmed uncomfortably in his seat, and Jared plopped down in the chair next to him.

"W-what do you mean? This is just a rough draft, and it's s-stupid, remember? I can't show this to him."

Jared shook his head, and poked the paper so hard that, in his excitement, Evan thought he might poke a hole in it.

"Maybe not, but what if you wrote him a-a letter or something! And give that to him? It will be like one of the sex letters you write for your therapist or whatever, only now you just have to add some big, fancy words like _limerence_ and _Cotois._ "

Evan briefly wondered if Jared knew what either of those meant, and then blushed. By the way Jared was wiggling his eyebrows, he knew _exactly_ what both of those words meant.

"I-I don't know."

Jared tugged on Evan's good arm, and helped him to his feet.

"C'mon, Ev!" he urged, "This is perfect. Where's your computer?"

Evan smiled. Jared's giddiness was infectious.

"Upstairs."

Jared pulled Evan up to his room. They were both giggling when they got there, and Evan collapsed on his bed. Jared took a seat at Evan's writing desk, computer poised and ready to go in his lap.

"Okay, shoot."

"What?"

"You heard me: _shoot_. Pretend you're writing it, but, like, say it out loud. I'll type what you say."

Evan nodded, and sat up. He put a pillow in his lap, hugging it tightly as he tried to think about what he wanted to say.

"Dear Connor Murphy, I'm writing this letter to you because I-no. Can you delete that? That was awful." Evan buried his face in his pillow, the tips of his ears burning.

"Okay, you can go again. Take your time." Jared said encouragingly. "Just...try talking about what you like about him."

"I like.....this is embarrassing. Damnit, I like his eyes. I like the way he laughs, and how he can make me laugh. And, like, his sense of humor. And he's really gentle with me, you know? A-and after we kissed we kind of were sent hurdling into an abyss, and his arms just kind of automatically wrapped around me, like-like his brain was just wired to protect me. His smile is just sort of perfect....he's han-I mean, he's cute." Evan squeezed the pillow, and looked back up at Jared, who was furiously trying to type all that he had just said. "Can you get anything from that?"

"I get that you two....are perfect..." Jared muttered, only half listening.

Evan bit his lip, and curled up into a ball, watching as Jared's fingers flew over the keyboard.

"How the fuck are you going that? Your hands are like, _blurring_."

Jared grinned, and pushed the last few keys with exaggerated force.

"Evan, I'm in every computer-related class and club at our school. Have been since eighth grade. Typing is _kind of_ a necessity."

Evan's eyebrows shot up in surprise, "What? How come I never knew that?"

Jared shrugged, "You never asked."

He pressed the last few keys with exaggerated elegance, like he was dancing using just his hands. When he was finished, he threw them up and waved them excitedly.

"Done."

Evan rolled off his bed and hurried to Jared, who put the computer back on the desk, and tilted back the screen so Evan could see it.

Evan read it quickly, mouthing the words as his eyes scanned them.

"I n-never used the word _kinky,_ Jared. But....I think this is a start."

They spent the next hour and a half-yes, it actually took that long, with Jared trying to turn the thing into a damn penthouse letter-revising and adding on to the letter. By the time they were finished, it was almost noon. They were laying on Evan's bed, Jared's legs pinning down Evan's own because he refused to stay inside his bubble. Evan didn't mind _too_ much, anyways. The computer was in his lap, and Jared supervised from over his shoulder.

"I think that sucker is ready to print." Jared commented. His phone buzzed, and he frowned.

"Who is it?" Evan asked, biting his lips as his cursor hovered over the print.

Jared grinned, and waved his phone at Evan.

"Link. Just reminding me that we had plans for lunch."

"But....we had school today. What would you have done if we had to go?"

Jared shrugged, "It wouldn't be the first time I cut."

He reached over, and clicked the button for Evan. On the other side of the room, the printer hummed to life, emitting a series of clicks and whirs that always worried Evan. He knew they were part of the startup process, but still.

"Do you want to come, Ev?" Jared asked politely, even though it was painfully obvious he was hoping he would answer with a big, fat,  _no._

Evan grinned, and shook his head.

"I won't third-wheel your date. Besides, I can go see Connor....you know, give him the letter. Better sooner than later, when I have more time to think about what an awful idea this is. Tell me more about Link."

"What, why?"

"I think you need my blessing, young man."

Jared shoved Evan lightly, grinning.

"Fuck off. What do you want to know?"  
Evan shrugged, "What school does he go to? Is he nice? Romantic?"

"Um, he goes to the University Of Michigan-a freshman, he's going to be a dentist, the nerd-and yeah, he's nice. I don't know about romantic, this is our first date. Well, official date. We went out for coffee a few days after we met. And a movie the weekend after that. But this one is _official._ "

His phone buzzed again, and he smiled.

"I seriously have to get going, though."  
Evan pretended to be affronted, and gasped.

"He's not picking you up? That's not very _gentlemanly_ of him, now is it? I don't approve."

"Your soulmate is the school druggie. You don't exactly have the best taste, either."

The tips of Evan's ears burned, and he ducked his head.

"J-Jared, can you please not make jokes about t-that?" he asked softly, clearing his throat.

Jared covered his mouth with his hand, "Crap! Evan, I'm sorry. I forgot for a moment." he squeezed Evan's arm, "But hey, don't worry. He's going to be fine."  
Evan nodded solemnly, "I k-know, but it's not only that. Connor only smokes when things get really bad at home. Please don't tell him I told you." he caught Jared's gaze, and he nodded in understanding, drawing an  _x_ over his chest.

"Cross my heart. Get it, like a little kid?"

Evan rolled his eyes, and hugged Jared carefully.

"Do you need a ride to the hospital?"

Evan shook his head, "No I can take the bus."

Jared eyes actually widened in shock when Evan said this, and he bit his lip.

"Ev, you don't have to do that. I know how much you hate it."

"I'll be fine." Evan smiled, "I'll bring my headphones, and I took my medicine. It's not usually crowded at this time, so, yeah."

It was pretty obvious that Jared was not falling for Evan's act, but he saw how determined his friend was, and decided just to let it be. Besides, as he kept reminding Evan, he was late.

Jared tucked his phone into his back pocket, and rolled off the bed. He straightened the bottom of his shirt, frowning.

"I wish I could duck home and change."

Evan shook his head, "You're fine. Just....fix your glasses. They're crooked."

Jared did as he was told, and grinned.

"See you later, Ev. I'll drop by if it goes well."

"And I'll have ice cream if it doesn't."

"Thanks, Evan." Jared glanced around the room, and hurried over to the desk to grab his sweatshirt. He pulled it on, "See you soon. Have fun, good luck. Fucking in hospitals is not advised unless it's on the doctor's orders!"

He winked at him, and dashed out of the room.

Evan's quiet, "You, too," went unnoticed.

He sat on his bed for a moment, dreading every step involved with the plan. Still, like Jared, he was late. Relatively. The bus was set to arrive at the nearest stop in twenty minutes, which theoretically gave Evan enough time to walk there and back. Obviously, there would be no walking back involved.

But he could.

In theory.

Evan played with a hole in his pant leg, gnawing on his lip.

 _The wheels on the bus go round and round...._ he thought. This made him laugh, and he dragged himself out of bed.

Evan pulled on a light blue shirt and a pair of jeans, like usual. Still, he fiddled with the collar, wondering if it was a good choice or not.

Fuck it. _What's the difference, anyways? It's not like one outfit is going to change anything, right?_ Evan tried, quite unconvincingly.

He snatched the letter from the printer, and all but ran down the stairs. He figured, the quicker he got there, the less time he had to think.

Of course, he had forgotten his sweatshirt, so he had to run back up the stairs and get it.

Evan stood in front of the door for a minute, his stomach a pit of knots. What if this was a bad idea? I mean, that's what he had been stressing over all day, but now that he was setting out (and getting there by taking the bus, of all things) it washed over him anew.

He squeezed his eyes shut, and opened the door.


	10. TEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> most commercially canned baked beans are made from haricot beans, also known as navy beans – a variety of Phaseolus vulgaris in a sauce.-wikipedia-baked beans

Jared Kleinman was something of an expert on soulmates. Hell, he might as well have a Doctorate in the subject. He never told anyone about his little....well, _obsession_ , to be honest, because he risked being called a nerd. Still, what can I say? Evan was a slut for trees, and Jared for soulmates. Or, rather, the science of them.

No one is exactly sure why soulmates exist. Many religions point to them as proof of their God(s), but isn't it a mute point to defend your beliefs with the exact same argument?

Jared was an atheist. He didn't read the bible, or any other sacred texts. He did, however, have a weekly subscription to _Soulmates: A Science_ magazine.

He had grown up influenced by two families: the Hansens, and his own. He watched as the Hansen family fall apart, because John Hansen found his soulmate and....it wasn't Heidi. He left his family at a drop of a hat. Evan still had trouble talking about it. Then there were his own parents, Melinda and Jared (yes he was, in fact, Jared Kleinman Jr.) who had discovered they were soulmates when they were seventeen, eloped, and were now celebrating the twenty-fourth year of a happy and fruitful marriage. His research pool may have been small, but Jared was pretty sure which marriage he would prefer to have.

He was feeling really hopeful about Link.

Jared wasn't a player, despite what a lot of people believed. He only kissed people he thought he had a chance of being soulmates with.....and the only reason the number of people was so high was that, heck, Jared had a fickle heart.

Luckily, it wasn't easily broken, and he played off his numerous crushes as being a player.

The point is, Link _was_ different. Jared was convinced. Link made him feel like he was sparkling when he smiled, even if the smile wasn't directed at him. And he was kind, and funny, and generous, and Jared _was not_ going to give him up.

Which was the problem. If they kissed and they weren't soulmates, they were doomed. He couldn't deal with that possibility, and so every time Link tried to kiss him, Jared found a way around it.

Ominous looking clouds inched towards the sun as Jared made his way into the pizza shop, patting his pockets to be sure he had his wallet. It had been raining an awful lot lately, but he didn't mind. Rain meant an excuse to stay inside and do nothing, if you asked him.

Immediately after he stepped into the pizza shop, Jared was enveloped with warmth and the irresistible smell of cheesy, sauce covered pie.

Link spotted him first. He was sitting in the corner of the restaurant, a glass of pop on the table in front of him. He grinned, and Jared's stomach tumbled. He rushed over to him.

"Sorry I'm late, I was helping Evan with....stuff."

Link gave a mock pout, "Stuff? Aw, no, not stuff! Should I be jealous?"

Jared laughed, and took Link's hand across the table, rubbing his thumb over the back of his hand.

"Actually, I was helping Evan out with some soulmate stuff. He's in deep shit with his."

Link winced sympathetically, "Oooh. Sucks for him." he cocked his head, eyes suddenly widening, "Wait! I didn't even know he had a soulmate!"

Jared nodded furiously, and swiped Link's drink away from him. He took a sip, and wrinkled his nose. Link laughed as Jared pushed it back to him.

"Ew. Cherry Coke, seriously?"

"No one's asking you to drink it, asshole." Link responded lightly.

"Fuckface. Anyways, it's the kid I was telling you about? Connor Murphy? He got into a car accident and they kissed while they were in the hospital. Can I just say, I totally called it?"

Link rolled his eyes, "No doubt you did. Are you ready to order?"

" _Yes_. I'm starved. The smell is so tantalizing in here I think I might throw up."

Link waved down their waitress, and Jared was surprised to find that her's was a face he recognized.

"Alana?! I didn't know you worked here," he said with a laugh, getting up to hug his friend.

Alana grinned, returning the hug.

"Yeah, I just picked up a few shifts for my college fund."

"Aw, you're getting a full ride wherever you go."

Alana shook her head, "Hardly likely. A 'full ride' is very hard to earn, especially for an Ivy league school, which I will be attending." she clicked her pen in a business-like manner, "What can I get you? Can I start you off with drinks, or are you ready to order?"

Jared grinned, "We're ready to order. Can we have a large Hawaiian pizza, and can I get a Diet Coke? Do you need a refill, babe?"

Link bit his lip and wiggled his eyebrows at the nickname, and Jared blushed. It had just sort of....slipped out.

"That would be great, darlin'."

Jared blushed even harder, and swiped Link's cup, being careful not to meet his eyes as he handed the cup to Alana. Who even knew that he had a thing for Australian accents? Damn.

"Thanks, A." Jared said, somehow keeping his voice clear and strong. It took a lot of willpower.

"No problem. I'll be right out with your drinks."

Once she had gone, Link reached across the table to poke Jared's arm.

"Who was she?" he asked curiously, squeezing Jared's hand.

"Alana, one of my friends."

"She seems....interesting."

Jared laughed, "Damn right."

He played with Link's fingers for a minute, fiddling with his class ring, mostly. Link smiled, and gently brought Jared's hand to his lips.

"So, _babe,_ " he teased after a beat.

Jared groaned, and pulled his hand away.

"Way to ruin the moment, jackass."

Link pouted, and sat back in his seat, running a hand through his wavy blonde hair.

"C'mon, pumpkin."

Jared shook his head, pushing back his chair like he was getting ready to leave.

"Sweetheart? Sweetie? Angel?"

"I'm leaving you."

Link grabbed his hand, "We're not even married. If I get a pet name, you have to have one, too."

Jared tried to put as much loathing into his gaze as possible, but it was ridiculously hard. He pulled his chair back up to the table, which Link sadly took as an invitation to keep going.

"Agapi Mou? Amore? Baby boo? Love muffin? Thanks, Alana."

Alana handed Link his drink, and Jared looked up at her pleadingly.

"Our safe word is _rochambeau._ The American's used it during the Battle Of Yorktown," she whispered, patting him on the back.

"Rooche bam, then!" he hissed. Link grinned, and sipped at his drink.

"Snookums?" he suggested.

Alana laughed, and patted Jared on the shoulder as she walked away, leaving him to fend for himself. Link opened his mouth as if to suggest more nicknames, but Jared cut him off.

"No. No way. Keep trying and I will rip your tongue out of your throat and force you to eat it." he warned.

Link stopped in his tracks.

"Wow. Violent. Change of subject, then. Have you ever heard of the Mandela Effect?"

Jared wrinkled his nose, "Don't tell me you believe that crap."

Link laughed in disbelief, "Crap? C'mon, Jared! This stuff is gold!"

Jared shook his head, frowning in disappointment.

"My super smart, super sexy, college boyfriend is secretly a part of the tin-foil hat club."

Link threw his hands into the air, "You caught me. Just....how do you spell ' _Berenstain Bears'_? Like the children's book."

Jared groaned, and rubbed the back of his neck. He wasn't really upset, of course. It was kind of cute how excited Link was getting, the nerd.

He shrugged lazily, "B-e-r-e-n-s-t-e-i-n B-e-a-r-'s."

Link grinned hugely, "No! That's exactly it! Everyone thinks it's spelled that way, _but it's not!_ It's an _a_ , not and _e_. Weird, huh?"

Jared leaned over the table, and Link followed suit. They were so close their foreheads were almost touching, which made Jared feel a little giddy, like they were sharing secrets.

"I've got on you'll like. Some scientist-people believe that every choice we make sprouts up a thousand different universes where we chose differently. Like, I chose to go on this date. But in a different universe, I'm still at Evan's house. Get what I mean?"

Link's eyes sparkled. It was weird how they did that, weird Jared's heart just about stopped when they did.

"I like that one. Do you think in one universe....I kiss you right now?" he licked his lips nervously.

Jared shook himself. He wasn't ready for this. What if Link wasn't the one? What if they kissed, and nothing happened? He couldn't.....he couldn't deal with that.

Luckily, he was saved from having to answer by Alana coming out with their pizza.

They pulled away, Link somewhat reluctantly, as she set it down on the table.

"Large Hawaiian, all the fixings. Can I get you anything else, or are you all set?"

She looked specifically at Jared when she said this, and he had to wonder if she had come to his rescue on purpose.

Jared blinked, a little dazed by how close he and Link had been to kissing.

"We're good. Thanks, Alana."

She nodded, still obviously a little worried. Jared wondered how she had known he needed help. He hadn't ever discussed Link or soulmates with her....it was like she had some second intuition.

Whatever the case, Jared was grateful.

"'Kay. I'll be just over there....if you need me."

Jared nodded, and watched her go. He avoided Link's eyes as he took a slice, shoveling it into his mouth as fast as he could as an excuse to not talk, and, by talking, fuck things up even worse.

"She's nice." Link commented. Jared nodded in response. Link looked like he had more to ask....but if he did, he didn't bother saying it. "Have any more conspiracy theories?"

=~=

It started to drizzle just as Jared and Link hurried down the block to the movie theater. Link grabbed Jared by the waist, fluidly shrugging off his coat and throwing it over his shoulders. Jared laughed, and kissed him on the cheek.

Cheeks were okay. So were hands, and foreheads. But not lips.

Link took Jared's face in his hands, gently cupping it.

"C'mon, we're going to be late for our movie." Jared urged, licking his lips nervously.

"Nah, we're fine."

Link took the moment to just..... _look_ at Jared, like he was stargazing or something. Jared closed his eyes, his heart in his throat. He thought Link was going to kiss him. He _knew_ Link _wanted_ to kiss him.

But he didn't.

Instead, Jared felt his lips lightly brush his forehead. Because foreheads are okay.

"I love you." Link mumbled.

Jared relaxed a little, and smiled.

"I love you, too. C'mon, _Paranormal Activity_ isn't going to make fun of itself."

They continued down the street, their clasped hands swinging between them as they walked. A lot of people were fleeing to the movies to escape the rain, but they were still able to get tickets.

They found seats near the back of the theater, where they would disturb people the least if they couldn't hold back their laughter.

As an added bonus, no one occupied the seats surrounding them, which they encouraged by taking up as much room as possible. Link stretched his legs, and put them on the back of the chair in front of them. Jared rested his head on his shoulder, breathing in his warmth.

"What number is this, now? Eight? Nine?" Link whispered.

"Pff. Twenty, _at least._ You know Sharknado?"

Link shook his head.

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, my simile has just been killed. We're watching _that_ next time. Absolute trash, that movie. I watch it every time it's on."

Link rested his chin on top of Jared's head, sighing happily.

"God, you're such a freak."

Jared nuzzled into his side, and they spent the next ninety minutes nitpicking the movie.

"A teenager raising her younger siblings....by herself. In a house like that. How the fuck did she afford that house if she's barely twenty, and without a stable job? Tax returns? Her parent's life insurance? Bullshit." Jared mumbled, taking down basically the entire setup of the film.

Link grinned, "Suspension of disbelief. Lots and lots of suspension."

"A ghost dragging someone out of bed!?!? What a shock! Didn't they use that in....every other horror movie ever? Weird." Link commented in mock surprise. Jared laughed, and threw popcorn at him.

Jared tapped his arm and whispered, "Jump scare in three...two...wait. One. There we go."

"Oh look. They all died, which I guess undermines the whole 'good always wins cliche' but all the same, why the fuck does the ghost care if the camera was turned off or not?" Link said as the credit began to roll, and the lights went up in the theater.

Jared groaned, "Why is it so bright in here?"

Around them, the rest of the audience stirred to life. Jared didn't think _anyone_ had been properly scared by the movie, based on the disgruntled looks on the crowd's faces. It was as if they were all thinking, _I spent five bucks on that load of shit?_

Jared himself had had a great time.

"What time is it?" he asked as the followed the surge out of the theater, dropping their popcorn buckets in the too-full trash can outside the door.

Link grabbed Jared's hand, and checked his watch.

"Almost four. What time do you have to be home?"

Jared shrugged, "Probably soon. I haven't actually _been_ home in a while."

It was still raining outside, even harder than before, if anything. As before, Link put his arm around Jared and they ran down the street to their cars. They were dripping wet by the time they got there, and Link's hair was plastered to his head. He pushed it back, and shook himself like a wet dog. Jared put up his hands to shield himself from the flying water droplets, swearing.

"Link!"

Link grinned cheekily, and grabbed Jared's hips, pulling him towards him. He squealed as Link shook his head again, getting water everywhere. Jared hit him lightly on the arm, and he stopped.

"If I wasn't already wet, I'd kill you," he growled, pushing his glasses back into place. It was almost impossible to see through them, with the rain making tiny rivers on the glass.

Link kissed Jared on the nose, and pulled away with a smile. He put his hand on Jared's cheek, and his heart quickened. When Link leaned in to kiss him, he turned his head so he only got his cheek.

Link's hands dropped from Jared's waist, and he ducked his head.

"Why won't you let me kiss you?" Jared reached out to take Link's hand, but he pulled away, expression pained. "Is it because you don't-"

Jared shook his head, "No! God, Link, I _do_."

"Then why?"

Jared sighed, "You know why. You know what happens when people kiss."

"Nothing! Nothing happens, Jared!" Link said, laughing with frustration. He threw his hands up into the air like he was grabbing at the rain, and leaned against his car.

"That's exactly it, though! What if nothing happens? What if we aren't soulmates? What are we supposed to do then? Link I-I love you and I can't-I can't deal with the possibility that we weren't meant to be together."

Link stared at Jared for a minute, like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. His kaleidoscope eyes were practically shining as he pulled Jared to him, pressing his lips to his before Jared could protest. There was nothing he could do but melt.

Especially in a universe when a kiss is practically magic, it takes extraordinary willpower not to kiss someone you love. Link washed away every hint of what was once Jared's willpower, like a wave destroying a sandcastle.

It was terrible. It was terrible because there was no vision, the rain was just rain, Jared was just Jared, and Link was just.....just his boyfriend.

Jared pulled away, surprised at how quickly the tears came. He turned away from Link, his shoulders shaking as he tried to unlock his car. Link put his hand on Jared's shoulder.

"J-J, stop." Jared did, his arms hanging limply at his sides. "Come here."

Link held out his arms, and Jared collapsed into them. Link rubbed his back soothingly, letting him calm down before he spoke.

"Why are you so upset?" he murmured, pressing a kiss to the top of Jared's head.

"W-why _aren't_ you?"

Link laughed, for real this time.

"Because I love you, anyways? Did I ever tell you about my great-aunt?" Jared shook his head, and shifted in Link's arms. "Yeah. Well, her name was Meredith. She was the coolest lady ever, let me tell you. One day she met this guy named Jay, and they started going out. She was just like you," he poked Jared's arm, smiling lightly, "and refused to let Jay kiss her. Then, one day, Jay proposed. Meredith asked him, "What the hell do you mean you want to get married? We don't even know if we're soulmates!" which was kind of ironic because _she_ was the one refusing to kiss _him_. And Jay told her, "I love you. I always _will_ love you. It doesn't matter if you're my soulmate or not. If you let me, I'd never leave your side. You are the _only_ one that I want."

Link looked down at Jared. He spoke softly, yet his words seemed to have their echo.

"And so Meredith said, "But what if one day you find your soulmate." "Well, I'm never going to have any want to kiss anyone but you, so you don't have to worry about that." And they got married a few months after that. They were together until they died."

" _Were_ they soulmates?"

Link laughed, "That's _so_ not the point of the story. The point is, I. Love. _You._ I want to be with _you_."

"Okay, let me tell _you_ a story. Evan's father and mother were married for ten years. _Ten years._ They were just about the happiest couple I've ever met, until Evan and I turned five. Then things began to sour. Next thing you know, our boy John is cheating on his wife. And on one of his nightly escapades, he met Christine, a waitress at the strip club he frequented. They ended up kissing-well, they did more than that-and less than a week later, John and Christine had moved to Colorado. The only thing he left behind was a promise to pay child support and a note that said, quite simply, _we're getting a divorce._ "

Link's face fell, "And you think I'm the next John Hansen? That's actually kind of hurtful, Jared. Just....do you love me?"

Jared bit his lip, and nodded.

"Yes. Yes, more than anything."

"Then we'll find a way. I'd rather die than hurt you. I'd rather die and go to hell for all eternity than lose you. But I need you to believe when I tell you that we-we are going to work."

Jared took Link's hand and played with his class ring. Link, noticing, took it off his finger, and lifted Jared's chin so he was looking at him.

"Here. It'll be like a promise ring. I _promise_ that I will _always_ be yours, as long as you want me."

He slipped it onto his finger, and Jared fiddled with it, a lump in his throat.

"As long as I want you?"  
"As long as you want me."

Jared wrapped his arms around Link's neck, standing on his toes so he could kiss him. It was just a sweet as before. Only now Jared didn't have to worry about Link being his soulmate....because he was. Not by the technical sense of the word, but by all other means. Link was the love of Jared's life, and it didn't matter that there wasn't a fucking soulmate vision to prove it. They _could-_ and they _would_ -make things work.

Jared reminded himself to throw out all his magazines when he got home.

 


	11. ELEVEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is lying second nature to you? Once you get into the habit, it may be difficult to tell the truth. Lying can be an addiction like smoking or drinking alcohol. It provides comfort and becomes a fallback mechanism to use when you're faced with uncomfortable feelings. As with most addictions, quitting lying is essential to your well being. And, like any other addiction, the first step is admitting that you have a problem.  
> -wiki how to stop lying

Evan knew as soon as he stepped outside that it was due to rain soon. I mean, it didn't take a _genius_ to work that out, considering the clouds overhead were so dense and dark that it almost seemed like nighttime. But also there was a certain smell in the air. One that was hard to explain. Once you become familiar with it, though, you almost always know when it's going to pour.

The smell is fresh, and clean. And earthy. It brings up the illusion that Mother Nature is stirring in her sleep.

For most people, rain is ominous foreshadowing. Not for Evan. Like I've said, Evan loved a good pour.

All the same, he prayed the clouds wouldn't open up while he was still outside.

Evan doubled checked his pocket for the letter. He knew it was highly unlikely he would forget it, but all the same a nagging voice in the back of his head kept reminding him that if he lost it....odds were he wouldn't be able to tell Connor how he felt.

He put on his headphones, and began to walk.

Evan doesn't actually have regular music on his Ipod. Well, he has a few songs. His mother's favorites: a mix of the Rolling Stones and the Beatles. Heidi was old school in that way. The only thing he regularly listened to, however, were ambient noise tracks, such as rain pounding on car roofs, or water fountains. He also had a peculiar obsession with the Hogwarts common room tracks. Whenever he had trouble sleeping, paying attention, or felt his anxiety bubbling up, he would grab his Ipod and start listening. They set his brain on the right course instantly.

As much as he could've used one, today was not a track day. Instead, Evan inexplicably found himself listening to the Beatles. Even odder, he found that the song was calming his frayed nerves as much as the Gryffindor fireplace would've.

He kept the Beatles going until he got on the bus.

As hard as he tried to find an empty seat, there were none. Evan had gravely underestimated the number of commuters there would be. He felt panic rise in his stomach, and fought it down by turning up the volume. Evan grabbed an empty pole, and fought the urge to hug it like it was a life preserver.

 _C'mon, Evan._ he urged himself, _you've got this. 'S not so bad. Baby you can drive my car....yes I'm gonna be a star....baby you can drive my car, and baby I love you._

A grin spread over his face as Evan came to the realization that he was actually _doing_ it. He wasn't worrying about judgmental stares, how badly he needed a haircut or a new pair of shoes, he was just...riding the bus.

Evan blushed furiously as he realized he had said "just riding the bus," aloud, complete with a slightly-manic giggle.

He looked down at his feet. Yep, his shoes were a little scuffed.

"Listening to the Beatles?"

Someone tapped Evan on the shoulder, and he stifled a scream. The stranger smiled as if he hadn't accelerated Evan's heart rate far beyond how fast it _should_ go. It was an admittedly inviting smile, which stretched the boy's freckled cheeks and met his startling blue-almost turquoise, really-eyes. His hair was the same soft orange as a sunset. All of this was a stark contrast to the boy's dark clothing.

The boy mimed Evan taking off his headphones, which, stupidly, he did.

"I mean, am I right? It sounded like you were."

Evan blushed, "S-sorry, I didn't m-mean to have it so loud."

He fumbled in his sweatshirt pocket for his Ipod, and quickly shut it off.

The stranger rubbed the back of his neck, "It wasn't a problem. I grew up on the Beatles."

"S-so did I. Kind of." Evan bit his lip, unsure why he was even bothering. Still, the boy laughed.

"You got old school parents, too, then? I'm Matt, by the way."

He held out his hand, and Evan steeled himself briefly before shaking it. Matt didn't recoil or subtly wipe his hand on his pants, and Evan relaxed.

"Evan. Yeah, my parents super out of date. Rolling Stones and all that. My dad's always blasting it while he's working on-yard. Yard work....stuff." Evan laughed uncomfortably, and ducked his head, mentally cursing himself.

"That's cool. I mean, sounds embarrassing, but cool. My dad split when I was two." Matt said easily. Evan looked up, cheeks flaming.

"Y-yeah. They can be, sometimes. Embarrassing. My mom, I mean. My dad left when I was eight? I-I don't know why I-I mean, he used to do that stuff? He lives in Colorado no, with his soulmate. I-I'm sorry."

Matt bit his lip, and Evan couldn't tell if he was doing it out of habit or if he was holding back a laugh. Based on Evan's experience with people, probably the latter. God, he was an _idiot._ Or insane. That might be his problem. After all, who in their right mind goes around revealing personal information in the form of a tangled lies?

"Why are you apologizing?" Matt asked, and yeah, he was definitely trying not to laugh.

Evan shook his head, "Um-I'm sorry, just I-I'm talking a lot. I talk when I get nervous, so...."

"You apologize a lot."

"So I've been told." Evan mumbled in response. Matt grinned.

 _"Mercy Hospital. Coming up on Mercy Hospital."_ came a voice over the speakers. Evan glanced through the window, and saw the hospital coming into view. Subconsciously, he patted his pocket once more.

Mostly to himself, he muttered, "That's my stop."

Matt looked more than a little disappointed, to Evan's confusion.

"Oh. Well, it was nice talking to you."

Evan nodded.

"And is there a chance I'll see you again?" Matt pried hopefully, dragging his hand through his orange hair.

Evan shook his head, "P-probably not. I'm just going to see my-my friend."

The bus came to a screeching halt, and Matt looked out the window at the hospital.

"Oh. My sympathies."

Evan opened his mouth to explain that it wasn't like _that_ , Connor wasn't dying or anything. Something about that thought, of Connor not being....well, you know, didn't sit well with him. It made him feel almost queasy. He was interrupted by a voice over the intercom.

_"Mercy Hospital. All off for Mercy Hospital."_

Evan let go of the pole, and was about to say goodbye to Matt when he saw that he was digging into his backpack. After a few seconds, in which Evan mentally urged him to hurry up, Matt pulled out a sharpie.

"My number....if that's all right?"

Evan was more than a little surprised, which might be why he nodded. The driver glared up at them through the rear-view window, and Evan mentally pleaded with him to wait just a few seconds more.

Matt grinned, and gently grabbed Evan's arm. Something about made Evan's stomach jump as he remembered Connor doing the same thing only a few months ago. Matt quickly scribbled his number in the _O_ of Connor's name.

"There. See you later, Evan."

Evan looked down at his cast, smiling a little.

"B-bye, Matt."

The driver looked about ready to honk the horn at them, so Evan scurried as fast as he could down the aisle.

It was, in fact, raining. At least, it was sprinkling. Evan grinned as he felt the tiny droplets fall, few and far between, but still there. He turned around to watch the bus drive away, and saw Matt waving at him. He waved back, until the bus was nothing but a blue blip in the distance.

The hospital was quiet, as it always seemed to be, when Evan entered. There was a different secretary than before seated behind the desk, a man this time, which sent a flutter of anxiety up his spine. He put his hand in his pocket, and closed his fingers around the letter.

He could do this. He _had_ to do this.

Evan walked up to the desk, and the man smiled.

"How can I help you?" he asked. His voice was soft and inviting, and just hearing it made Evan relax a tiny bit.

"I'm here to see C-Connor Murphy?"

The secretary didn't even bother to type the name into his computer. He just frowned apologetically.

"You just missed him. He checked out not fifteen minutes ago."

Evan swallowed, "A-already? But it's....it's only been...."

He nodded understandingly, "It was only a _minor_ car accident. We kept him overnight to be sure he was okay, and sent him on his way once we knew he was. He was practically begging to leave. Connor does, however, have to spend a few weeks coming to voluntary therapy sessions to handle his drug addiction. We have to be sure he won't drive under the influence again. And anyways, therapy is better than juvy."

Evan's heart sank into his shoes. Suddenly, the letter felt like a brick in his pocket. He let go of it, and his arm swung uselessly at his side.

Connor had been 'practically begging to leave'? But he knew....he _had_ to know that Evan would come see him, whether they were fighting or not.

"Did he leave any messages?" Evan asked hopefully, a lump growing in his throat.

The secretary shook his head, "Sorry, bud. Do you have a phone? You can use mine if you need to call someone to pick you up."

Evan shook his head, "I'm fine, thank you. I-it's not very far."

The man raised his eyebrow, "You sure, kid? It's coming down pretty hard out there."

Again, Evan shook his head, maybe a little harder than necessary. He was now petrified that he might offer to give him a ride home, and that wouldn't end well, even on a regular night. Add in the fact that Evan was on the verge of breaking down-and probably _would_ , soon enough-and there was simply nothing that could go _right_ with that idea.

Luckily, the man didn't protest. Instead, he shrugged.

"Alright. If you're sure."

A relieved smile flitted across Evan's face, "T-thanks. Have a good night."

He managed to turn and walk steadily out of the hospital, but once he had pushed past the doors Evan broke into a run. It was now pouring, so hard each drop felt like hundreds of bullets pelting his skin. In a matter of seconds, his entire body was numb with cold. He stumbled as he ran, his legs strangely unresponsive to his brain's urge to just _keep running._ Back to his house, where it was warm, and dry, and he could hide and his room and never leave. He would stay there, where it was safe, and no one could get to him. No one could ever again make him feel this....this vulnerable.

Evan pulled his sweatshirt tight around him, and shoved his hands into his pockets. His fist clenched around the letter, and he pulled it out.

Connor didn't want to see him. That should've made him pissed, should've made him want to yell back. Instead, it just made him feel empty.

That fit well. His body was numb, his heart empty, and Evan was alone.

He hated it.

He stumbled on, the rain mixing with his tears as they fell haphazardly down his cheeks.

Evan wasn't sure how long or how far he ran before his mother's van pulled up in front of him. Evan tripped, and fell to the muddy ground. Sluggishly, he pulled himself to his feet, brushing himself off the best he could. His legs wobbled beneath him as he walked, and he was shaking with fatigue and chill.

When he opened the passenger side door, the only thing Heidi asked was, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Evan shook his head, and closed his eyes. He had a massive headache. Evan thought that sleep would come easy, but instead, he passed fluidly between acid-like dreams and the waking world. Sometimes he couldn't even tell which was which. Heidi let him sleep, occasionally biting her lip with worry as she snuck glances at him. But she didn't pry.

Evan trudged immediately up to his room once they were home, and peeled off his sopping clothes, throwing them into a corner because he couldn't be bothered to find his laundry basket.

After that, he sat down at his writing desk.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today wasn't a good day. And why should it have been? Because you tried? Because you went in with a good attitude as said it was going to be? Oh sure, that always works! Put on a smile, fake it till you make it! Because you were going to tell Connor how you felt, and everything was going to be sunshine and roses beyond that. It wasn't. It isn't ever_ going _to be. So there. You said it._

_And do you ever just want to disappear? Because nothing ever works out the way it should and life is shit because of it. I thought it was going to be okay after-after Connor and I became friends. After Jared and I became friends. But okay is just an illusion-not, a mirage. It's there for just a hopeful second and then it's gone when you get too close to happiness. When you start to hope too much. Life was too good with Connor in it, so he disappeared. I would give anything-_

Evan put down his pencil and buried his head in his hands, sobs racking his body. It was the type of crying where your body takes over, and you retreat to the smallest corner of your mind and hide. Evan couldn't stop no matter how hard he tried to hold it in. The sobs just built up in his chest until he was forced to release them. Even that hurt, like a sharp cough.

He was relapsing. He was relapsing, and he _knew_ he should've taken his pills. He told Jared he had because he wanted _just one day_ without them. He hated being on them, hated needing to be _fixed_.

The worst part was that there was nothing to do but wait it out. It was the middle of the storm, and there was nowhere to retreat to.

Still, Evan hadn't had a relapse this bad since....since that summer. When he broke his arm after 'falling' out of an oak tree.

Evan struggled not to think about that. About how easy falling seemed, but how difficult it was to actually let _go_ of the branch. How the entire time it was like there was someone whispering to him, _"You don't have to do this."_ but the voices in his head overpowered the whispering.

And he jumped.

And when he survived, landing on his unfortunate arm, he wasn't immediately rescued. No one saw, and rushed over to help him. He just laid there in the dirt, staring up at the sky and wondering how he had gotten to that point. Cursing that no one had warned him it was- _life was_ going to be this way.

Evan shuddered, and blindly pushed himself away from his desk. He tripped, and almost missed his bed as he fell on top of it. At some point, maybe minutes or hours or seconds, he blessedly fell asleep.

=~=

When Evan woke up, groggy and confused, for a minute, where he was, several hours later, it was nearing midnight. He was starving, having eaten absolutely nothing that day. He dragged himself out of bed and down the stairs, moving as quietly as possible so as not to disturb his sleeping mother.

God, how can someone sleep for almost twelve hours and _still_ feel so tired?

Evan wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. They were still a little wet, which might explain why he was so parched.

There was a box of pre-packaged cookies on the counter, next to a bowl of soup. No doubt the dinner Evan had missed. He felt a twinge of guilt: obviously, his mother had skipped class and maybe another late shift at work to be able to talk to him.

Evan popped the soup (broccoli and cheddar, his favorite, a fact that didn't make him feel any less guilty) into the microwave, and started on one of the cookies. He wrinkled his nose as he swallowed: it went down like a plate of sand.

He stopped the microwave before it could get to zero and poured himself a half a dozen glasses of water, downing them all easily. He brought the soup and the box of cookies (because why the heck not) up to his room. He could feel himself already feeling asleep again, something he did not want to do. He was having a nightmare when he woke up. He couldn't remember what it was about, but he knew he didn't want to return to it.

Evan pulled his knees up to his chest, slowly nibbling on a cookie as he checked his notifications. He had a ton on Twitter, strangely, but he didn't bother to read them. Jared had texted him about a dozen times, and requested a face time half as many.

Evan assumed the date went well.

He scrolled through his messages. Most of them were just Jared begging him to pick up so they could exchange stories, but you could see the exact moment when he began to worry.

 **Jared:** Ev? You there?????

 **Jared:** Did something happen do you need to talk

 **Jared:** Pick up if you're awake

 **Jared:** if you're dead, don't answer.

 **Jared:** Ev?

Evan sighed, and quickly typed in a response, at least so Jared would know he was....alive.

 **Evan:** Sorry, I fell asleep.

There was no reply. Of course there wouldn't be, it was almost dawn. Still, Evan waited for the familiar _ding!_ that would signal that he wasn't the only one awake during this heinous night.

Evan sipped from his bowl like it was a cup, and wandered to the of wet clothes. He picked up his sweatshirt, and reached into the pocket.

The letter was soggy, but not completely unreadable. Evan pushed everything to the side on his desk, and help the letter up close to his face so he could read it.

_Dear Connor Murphy, this is kind of awkward to say. But I think I should, especially after what happened today. I like your smile, and the way you laugh-it really catches me off guard. When I'm with you I laugh a lot, too, which you know doesn't happen much. I like how you are always there when I need someone to just talk to. I guess what I'm trying to say is; I like you. I would like to give us a shot._

_Sincerely, Evan_

Evan cringed. That was it? The letter had sounded so much better with Jared there too, well, tell him it was a lot better than it sounded. God, what a stupid idea the whole thing was. Still, for some reason, reading the tiny paragraph made him smile just a bit.

Evan took out his pencil, chewing on the eraser for a minute as he thought. When he was ready, he took out a new piece of paper, and began to write.

=~=

Evan ran off the bus and began to frantically search for Jared. He found him in the middle of a group of students, having a heated debate about....something. Evan wasn't quite sure. He grabbed Jared's arm, and hauled him away from the group.

"Wh-oh. Hey, Ev. What's going on?" Jared asked, letting Evan drag him away.

"I need your help." Evan explained as they entered the building. They hurried to the lockers, where Evan dropped to his bag and began to dig through it. "I've got all these....and....I was up really late last night. I was thinking and-I really need to do this. But I can't decide which one."

Jared's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, but Evan didn't notice. He was too busy unzipping his bag. Jared's eyes widened once it was open, revealing the bag to be full with dozens of letters.

"Are those all....?" Jared wondered in disbelief.

Evan blushed, "Yeah. Yeah, and I need to choose."

He began to rummage through the bag, every now and then picking up a letter, reading it, and either tossing it behind him or carefully putting it back in the bag. Jared picked up one of the rejects curiously, and read it quietly to himself.

"What's wrong with this one?"

Evan shrugged, "I'm just trying to narrow down the best."

Jared rolled his eyes, "This one's fine. Just pick any letter."

Evan shook his head, "No. No, it needs to be the perfect one. I-I can't screw this up. I already did, I mean. But I c-can't again."

Jared patted Evan's shoulder, more than a little scared that he was going to need a paper bag to breath into.

"I have an idea." Jared began. He scooped up Evan's bag, and pointed to the locker they were sitting in front of. "This Connor's?"

Evan nodded, and Jared grinned. He opened the locker, and dumped the letters inside. Evan yelped, but he ignored him, and kept shoveling them in.

"What are you doing?!"

"You couldn't choose. Besides, this is top of the line, couple-y shit. If you want to let your crush know you like them, you give them a love letter. If you want to make up for being a dick, you give them a dozen."

Evan grabbed at all the remaining letters, hugging them tightly with wide eyes.

"B-but-it needs to be the best letter."

"I'm sure it will all be great." Jared smiled reassuringly, before something caught his eye over Evan's shoulder. He hastened to his feet. "I've got to go."

Before Evan could protest, Jared was halfway down the hall. Evan waited for his friend to be out of sight. Once he was, Evan opened Connor's locker so he could start the process over.

"What are you doing with my freaking locker?"

Evan jolted back from said locker as though he had been shocked. He looked up to see Connor standing over him, completely unamused. There was still a white bandage above his eye, but his clothing covered his most of his other marks. He looked like he had just rolled out of bed, but Evan was pleasantly surprised to see that his eyes were normal. Maybe he really would keep to his no-weed promise.

Evan realized he had been staring for at least a full minute, and flushed. Connor merely raised his eyebrow, and pointed to Evan's hands.

"What's that?"

Right. He was still holding the letters.

"I-I just th-I wrote...." he blushed even deeper, and thrust out his hand so Connor could take the papers, his heart pounding in his chest. "Please just read it."

Connor took the letter, to Evan's relief. He ducked his head, and got up from the floor, brushing the dirt off his pants.

"There's more....in there...." Evan mumbled, vaguely pointing to Connor's locker.

Connor's eyes widened, and he looked from the letter, to Evan, to back at the letter again. The corners of his mouth twitched, and he brushed a few strands of stray hair behind his ear.

"You....wrote this?"

Evan nodded dumbly. Connor looked back down at the letter, and licked his lips nervously.

"You really want to go out....with me?"

He nodded again, and Connor grinned. Evan couldn't stop himself from smiling slightly, too.

"Yeah. Yeah, I would."

Connor shook his head in disbelief, and looked back over at his overflowing locker, "I could kiss you right now. Can I kiss you?" he said, only half joking. Evan's eyes widened, and Connor quickly tried to backtrack. "Sorry, no-that was-not really. I was just kidding. I mean....unless you-want to?"

Evan's heart jumped, and he nodded. Connor tentatively put his hand on Evan's waist, and he closed his eyes.

His heart exploded as Connor brushed his lips over his. There was no vision, no smell of apples or anything like that, but Evan thought he preferred this to their first. This was real. There was no illusions or special effects involved, it was just _them_ , pure and simple.The base of his spine tingled, and he shivered as Connor pulled away, smiling.

"I-" Connor began.

From behind them, a pitched, excited voice piped up.

"Connor Murphy?! I heard you were dead!"


	12. TWELVE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ghost  
> ɡōst  
> noun  
> 1.  
> an apparition of a dead person that is believed to appear or become manifest to the living, typically as a nebulous image.  
> "the building is haunted by the ghost of a monk"  
> synonyms: specter, phantom, wraith, spirit, presence  
> -whatever website gives those automatic definitons yayyyyyy

Connor and Evan both whirled around, their hands still clasped. Behind them stood an unfamiliar girl who looked like she had been zapped with a taser.

Connor raised his eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

The girl nodded, looking more excited than anything.

"Totally! It was all over Twitter. Alana tweeted about your overdose. We were all, like, super upset." unexpectedly, she threw her arms around Connor, who, surprised, let got of Evan's hand so he could awkwardly pat her back. He looked over her shoulder at Evan, shrugging apologetically. Evan frowned, a tangle of jealousy forming in the bottom of his stomach.

He pushed it aside. It was a ridiculous reaction. He and Connor were _a thing_ now-that made him smile-and he didn't have time for jealousy.

The girl pulled away, pouting. She dabbed at her eyes, even though they were completely dry.

"It was super depressing, okay? Don't do it again."

Connor shook his head, and Evan could see now that he was more than a little ticked off.

"I'm still confused. What happened?" he sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets and surreptitiously rolling his eyes for Evan's benefit.

She was _more_ than willing to gossip. The girl straightened, brushing her hair back to picture-ready perfection.

"Yesterday Alana-you know Alana Beck? We're friends. Good friends-Tweeted that you had gotten into an accident and were in the hospital. Like, everyone saw it. We were all were trying to figure out what happened, and....let's see, Rory and Jake, I think? Anyways, they told everyone that you had overdosed at Marvin Milton's party. _Everyone_ saw the ambulance pull away. It was terrifying. Didn't you check your Twitter?" she had the nerve to put her hand on Connor's chest, and he frowned, "We were all sending you get-well-soon messages." she peeked over Connor's shoulders, spotting her the same time as Evan. She squealed, "Oh my God! Alana, Over here!"

Alana, who had already been hurrying their way, quickened her pace. She looked slightly panicked, and it was maybe the most emotion Evan had ever seen her display.

"Hey, Heidi, boys. What's-uh, what's going on?" she asked hesitantly as 'Heidi' (apparently) threw her arm around her shoulder. Alana looked both squeamish and overjoyed by the contact.

Connor plastered a fake, accusatory smile on his lips.

"Heidi here was just telling us about my miraculous recovery from my....overdose, am I right?" he responded, unimpressed.

Alana bobbed her head feverishly, her eyes wide and pleading. Evan's stomach roiled, but he realized what Alana was asking. She had better give them a damn good explanation afterward, but Evan wasn't going to leave her hanging.

The words tasted like sick in his mouth as he all but spat, "It's a sure miracle."

Alana's face fell momentarily, but she quickly wiped her face void of emotion, like chalk off a slate. She and Evan locked eyes, and his stomach churned.

Alana had either fucked up in some way and was in too deep to turn back....or she was lying on purpose. Evan didn't know _why_ she would do that, though. Heck, he was a compulsive liar, but he never did it on purpose, and never with such a widespread result.

He chose to believe the first option. He _wanted_ to believe the first option.

Heidi grinned, and rested her head on Alana's shoulder playfully.

"Aw, well, I'm stoked that you're okay, Connor! Hey, maybe at lunch you can sit with me?" she suggested hopefully, her eyes dancing.

Connor smirked, "Thanks, but I'd rather overdose again." he quipped cheerfully.

Heidi's eyebrows knit with confusion, obviously startled by Connor's blunt rudeness. Evan was relieved: at least she wouldn't talk to them anymore. He was already feeling a little tired, like her cheerleader-energy was soaking up his sleep deprived-zen.

Alana punched Connor's shoulder (pretty hard, too, by the way he winced) with a laugh as fake as their entire conversation. She tightened her friendly hold around Heidi, "He's only kidding! Hey, I'll see you at lunch, kay?"

Heidi nodded, and waved at the boys.

"I'll see _you_ two later!" she giggled, before giving Alana one last squeeze and prancing away.

Alana watched her go, a sort of longing in her brown eyes. She was so lost in watching the converse-wearing ball of energy disappear that Connor had to snap his fingers in front of her face to get her attention.

"Hey. Focus. You have thirty seconds: what the _hell_ is going in here?" he said, just as snappish as his fingers.

Evan put a hand on his arm, which, to his relief, seemed to calm Connor down a tad. He looked back at Evan, as though he was surprised to see him still standing there.

Alana pushed her glasses back on the bridge of her nose, one of the few nervous tics she ever let show.

"You heard the story." she responded breezily, "What more is there to say?"

Connor rolled his eyes, "I don't know, maybe something like why the _hell_ everyone in the school thinks I'm dead?! That has really been cleared up, yet."

Alana ducked her head shamefully, her cheeks coloring the slightest bit.

"Connor," she whispered, "please calm down."

"That's going to be hard, because I'm kind of freaking out right here? I swear to God, Alana-"

Suddenly frightened, Evan stepped between his soulmate and his friend. He looked up at Connor with wide eyes, and gently took his hand. Connor stopped immediately, and looked down at their clasped hands, then back up at Evan, softening.

Alana backed what she must have thought was a safe distance away, and swore under her breath when she realized that there were lockers at her back.

She looked back up at them, "I-I'm sorry. I just tweeted that you were in the hospital....and you _know_ how people love to talk. It got out of hand."

"Kind of an understatement." Evan sighed, "Alana, you've got to tell them the truth."

She shook her head adamantly.

"No. I-I can't. People are _talking_ to me, Evan. _Popular_ people. I have friends now-"

"You had friends before," Evan interrupted, his face flickering with hurt, " _good_ friends who care about you. Who don't-who don't care if you're _cool_ and don't need you to lie to fit in."

Alana wrinkled her nose, and Evan could see tears twinkling in her eyes, now. She stepped forward, so close Evan could see the grains of sparkles in her purple glasses.

"Don't." she hissed, "I thought you would understand, Evan. What it feels like to want to be more than a shadow in the back of the class."

He leaned back from her glare, pleading.

"Alana, we're your friends-"

"You never talk to me!" she half-shrieked, "You and Jared have all these inside jokes, you and Connor-" she gestured to the couple, "are dating, or-or _something._ I don't even know! And another thing, don't lecture _me_ about lying, Hansen! That's all you _do_!" Evan's eyebrows knit in confusion, and Alana laughed coldly.

It was a horrid sound coming from her.

She continued, "I'm not buying that tree story, Evan. About how you broke your arm. So how about _you_ tell the truth, huh?" she stepped back, raising her eyebrow in question and folding her arms over her chest in shock.

Evan's chest constricted in shock, and a sudden buzzing filled his ears, muffling all sound. He looked back at Connor to see his face warped with confusion. Evan took a shaky step back, and, for a small moment, Alana looked worried.

"W-what?" he stuttered, still backing sluggishly away.

Alana's features hardened once more. It was like she was a completely different person.

"You heard me, Evan." she said softly, "How did you break it?"

That was his breaking point. Evan turned and fled.

From behind him, he heard Connor yell, "What the hell, Alana?! What's your damage!"

Evan was too far down the hall to hear her answer.

The bell rang, and students began to flood into the building. Evan ducked into the bathroom as they did, and pressed himself against the wall. He closed his eyes, and listened to the sound of his passing peers.

Dozens of conversations, all happening at once. Hundreds of lives passing by in the one building....and where was Evan's place in it?

_"I thought you would understand, Evan. What it feels like to want to be more than a shadow in the back of the class."_

Evan had understood, once. His entire life he'd been nothing but a whisper, until Connor. Until Jared, and Alana-until he had found the people who, he had thought, cared about him most.

Evan out a hand on his chest, like he was aching to pull out his racing heart. When he was a shadow, he wanted nothing more than to be corporeal. Now being nothing more than a wisp sounded like a relief.

There was the sound of footsteps in the hall, and Evan immediately knew it was Connor coming to find him. He squeezed his eyes shut for a beat before ducking into one of the stalls, and locking the door. He stood on the toilet, like they tell you to do during lockdown drills, and prayed Connor wouldn't find him.

The footsteps slowed outside of the bathroom door, and Connor quickly eyed the bathroom. Evan held his breath as his soulmate walked the length of the stalls, stopping without a pause in front of his.

"What's behind door number three?" Connor quipped, rapping three knocks on the door.

Evan squeezed his eyes shut, tears like dew on his dark lashes. He heard Connor sigh, and saw his feet lift as he bounced slightly, trying to see over the door.

"Ev. Come out."

Evan remained silent.

"I know you're in here. Don't make me get Jared." Connor threatened lightly.

A sob built in Evan's chest, and he whimpered.

"P-please go."

Connor stopped bouncing, and gently tried to push the door opened. When it didn't budge, he sighed.

"Never. Just come out so we can talk."

Evan carefully climbed down from the toilet seat, and unlocked the door. As soon as it was open, Connor wrapped an arm around his waist and rubbed his back as Evan cried into his shoulder.

"Okay, okay." he pressed his lips to the top of Evan's head, and the action set a flutter of pain in Evan's heart. He gently pushed Connor away, tears still streaming from his eyes.

"I-I lied to you, I d-don't-" Evan shook his head, covering his face with his hands.

Connor stepped forward and gently took his wrist, "Hey." he reprimanded softly, lowering Evan's hands and lifting his chin so he was forced to meet his eyes. Evan swallowed thickly. "Don't say that. If anything, _I_ don't deserve _you._ "

Evan shook his head, "N-no. I lied to you. I lied to....to everyone."

"About your arm?" Connor shook his head sadly, "Evan, I _know_. I've suspected for awhile."

Evan's eyes widened, "W-what? Wh- _how_?"

"Because I know you. I know that when you lie you get really nervous, and you get really caught up in it. You told the story a little differently every time, and the details....didn't really add up."

"Why didn't you say a-anything?"

"I didn't want you to freak out, like you're doing right now. I kept an eye on you instead. I care about you, Ev. A lot of people do, even if you don't see it. I just....I can sort of grasp why....but I don't like to think-to think about it." They sat against the wall, and Connor's arm wrapped around Evan as he buried into his side. "Still, just....here's your chance."

Evan looked up at him in surprise, his eyes wet. Connor smiled softly, and nudged him encouragingly.

"W-what?"

"Letters don't always work. I know that it helps a lot more to have someone actually hear and care about what you're going though. I'm here."

Evan crumpled, and Connor held him tighter as his sobs renewed.

"I was so alone. I had nobody-nothing to live for. I c-couldn't even.... _talk_ to people. My only friend was Jared, and you didn't know him back then....he's different this year, but he always said-he was just in it for the car insurance. I had nobody to talk to except my therapist. And I was taking so many pills. It was like-like my mother was never there, because she works all the time. She works all the time to keep _us_ going-she should be focusing on her classes....not on me Like, her life would be better without me. I was so looped up on medication it was like my mother thought I-I couldn't function without them. I didn't think I could go one more year....just _one_ more year of being alone."

Connor hugged him, "You're not alone."

They sat like that for who knows how long. It may have been weird that they were cuddling in the school bathroom, but Evan didn't care. They could have been in a broken down, abandoned Walgreens, and he still wouldn't trade this moment for anything.

~=~

Understandably, they didn't stick around to see what the rest of the school day would bring. Connor and Evan slipped out of the school (it was easier than Evan would've assumed), waving a cheery goodbye to the stoners as they passed their hangout. They waved back, pumping their fists for Connor, who grabbed Evan's hand and pulled him to the parking lot.

Laughing, Evan followed him.

"Friends of your's?"

Connor blushed, "Shut up, Hansen."

They stopped at a small, silver BMW, and Evan laughed.

"What, are we going to steal it? No way."

Again, Connor blushed. He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a ring of keys. Evan's eyes widened.

"W-what?" he stuttered in disbelief. There was no _way_ that car was actually Connor's.

Connor winced, and jingled the keys. He selected one, and fiddled with it. Sure enough, there was a _beep_ from the BMW as the doors unlocked.

"Where to?" Connor asked, climbing into the driver's seat.

Evan, still stunned, walked around the car to the other side, and just _stood_ in front of the passenger side door. Connor sighed.

"Please get in before I die of embarrassment."

Evan got in, and they sped away before any of their teachers could haul them back into the school.


	13. THIRTEEN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we could receive a storm surge of three to five feet.  
> -ray nagin

The Murphy's owned the biggest house on Lakeside Dr (Lake not included), which was saying something. It had the whole, 'rich cousin who you see once a year and is a pompous jackass' vibe, with its sparkling windows and neatly trimmed yard. Evan would never have guessed it to be the place Connor called home.

They drove up the long driveway, Evan gaping at the expanse of property out the window. Connor kept glancing over at him, as though gauging for his reaction. He didn't voice his opinion, but the way Evan kept his face smushed against the glass told Connor exactly what he needed to know.

When they eventually pulled into a garage the size of Evan's living room, he sat in the car for a moment, still a little dazed. Connor raised his eyebrow, "Are you coming, or are we just going to sit here?" Evan blushed, and climbed out of the car. Connor followed him into the house, shaking his head in embarrassment. "I know this is....unexpected," he hastily tried to explain, "but it doesn't mean I'm like some rich kid prick, you know? I'm still just me. I'm just...."

Evan turned to face him, grinning cheekily. "Really hecking rich?" Connor reddened, and he laughed. He grabbed his soulmates hand and pulled him further inside. "Do I get the grand tour or what?"

Connor grinned, and kissed the tip of his nose.

"Only for you."

They smiled at each other for a moment, until Connor eventually ducked his head and fixed Evan's collar, which had flipped up at some point. He squeezed Evan's hand.

"C'mon."

Connor dragged him through every nook and cranny of the mammoth house. He showed Evan the kitchen, with its colorful tiling and stainless steel appliances that looked brand spanking new, the three bathrooms (each being roughly the size of Evan's bedroom), and the game room, which doubled as the living room. The best way to picture the game room is to picture a football-loving caveman (the American football, not the European) and try to imagine what his dream room would be like.

Got it?

Yeah. That was the game room.

He blinked, and Connor tugged on his arm, trying to lead him away so he could continue the tour, but Evan's feet were glued to the ground, his eyes bulging as he tried to take in the sight before him.

"Is that...." he faltered, scrambling for the right word as his brain shut down, "a Foosball table?"

Connor brushed his hair back and leaned against the door frame.

"Yes."

"And.....a flat screen? Big. Big TV."

Connor shook his head, "Yep. Eighty inches. This is my dad's man cave, if you couldn't tell."

Evan eyed the room tentatively, his eyes full of question. Connor laughed, and nudged him inside.

Immediately, Evan bolted to the Pacman style pinball machine in the corner of the room. Connor followed him curiously, leaning silently against the wall as Evan inspected the game.

It was vintage, but still in very good shape. The body was painted mostly blue, with some colorful tracks of yellow and pink on the sides, and a portrait of Mrs. and Mr. Pacman up top. Evan loved pinball. He was good at it, too. There's even a picture of him on his sixth birthday, wearing a blue shirt decorated with the words, pinball wizard! and chunks of cake. He carefully started the game, quickly looking back to Connor to see if it was okay. He merely shrugged in response, growing more curious by the second.

Evan pulled back the ball shooter, and carefully aimed, sticking his tongue out a little as he concentrated. Then he released, quicker than Connor's eyes could register. Evan jumped back, whooping, as the ball zinged it's way around the machine, racking up points as it went. In seconds, with one ball, he had defeated Larry's high score.

Connor laughed in amazement, and Evan practically jumped into his arms, squealing with delight.

"How the hell did you do that?!"

Evan laughed, bouncing in his arms. "I don't know! My dad taught me when I was younger."

"Well, you're amazing."

Evan grinned cheekily, and tilted his head, "Aw. Am I?" he teased.

Connor kissed the tip of his nose. Evan smiled giddily, and Connor inclined his head, softly brushing his lips against his. An electric current ran down Evan's spine, and he threaded his hands through Connor's hair, pulling him tighter; holding him closer.

 _I can't believe I get to do this now,_ he thought giddily.

They pulled away, and Connor rested his forehead against Evan's, who sighed happily, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's neck.

"Do you want me to teach you how to play?" he asked.

Connor grinned, "I'm a fast learner. Aren't you afraid I'll beat you?"

Evan laughed, "Definitely not."

For the next half an hour, they crushed all of Larry's high scores. It sort of became an unspoken goal to completely wipe Connor's father off the board. Connor was right: he was a fast learner. Still, Evan was impossibly good at pinball. For every point Connor earned, Evan racked up at least half a dozen. Eventually, before Evan could aim the ball on what had to be his thirtieth turn, Connor grabbed his waist and hauled him away from the game. Evan protested until Connor dumped him on the couch, effectively shutting him up as he kissed him.

After that, they turned on the television, and Connor let Evan have total control of the remote. After very little deliberation, he flipped to the Discovery channel, where a nature documentary about the ocean was playing. They stretched out on the couch together, Evan pressed against Connor's chest. It was a little uncomfortable with his cast, but it was soon worth it as Connor wrapped his arms around him, resting his chin on top of his head. They had shut off all the overhead lights, closed the blinds, and amped the volume on the television, all to create the effect that they really were underwater.

Evan was entranced with the movie. Connor was entranced with Evan. It worked out pretty well. The whole business with Alana and the Tweets seemed a million light years away, and Evan pushed it out of his mind, and kept pushing until he forgot about it completely.

It was probably better that way, after all.

The credits for the documentary were just beginning to roll when Evan's phone buzzed. He groaned, and dug it out of his pocket, the bright light hurting his eyes, as used to the darkness as he had become. It was Jared who had texted him, with a simple but effective:

Jared: Where the fuck are you?

Evan rubbed his eyes, and sat up, disrupting the blanket he and Connor had been using. It was Connor's turn to groan.

"Who is it?"

"Just Jared," Evan replied, already texting his response.

Evan: Connor's.

Connor nodded, and swung his legs off of the couch.

"Are you hungry?" he asked. Evan nodded. "I'll make popcorn. Be right back."

"Thanks," Evan said. Connor grinned, and kissed the top of his head before making his way to the kitchen. Evan's phone buzzed again.

Jared: You skipped??

Evan: Yeah. It's a long story.

Jared: Let me guess. Something to do with Alana, am I right? She's been a stone cold bitch all day. She's like Heidi Marrier's new lap dog.

Evan frowned sadly. Jared was no doubt having a rough time at school at the moment, considering his three main friends were either MIA or brainwashed.

Evan: Sorry J. You've only got four hours left, though.

Jared: Four long, excruciating hours, but yeah.

Connor came back with a bowl of popcorn, and pushed Evan's legs aside so he could sit down. Evan put his legs back up, resting them in Connor's lap.

"What's going on back in the hellhole?" Connor asked, throwing popcorn at Evan, who scowled and batted the kernels away.

"Alana's still going insane, and Jared is lonely, basically."

Connor pouted, "Ah. I feel kind of bad for poor Jare-bear." he poked Evan's leg, "Any ideas on how you want to spend the rest of the day? We have around...six hours before anyone gets home. Theoretically."

"Theoretically?" Evan echoed, becoming suddenly nervous at the idea that a Murphy might come home while he was still there. He hadn't exactly left off on the best foot with Connor's parents....he shivered at the memory.

"Are you cold?" Connor asked, absentmindedly rubbing Evan's socked feet.

Evan shook his head, "No, I'm just....I think another documentary would be good, if you want to? That would definitely pass the time."

Connor nodded, and Evan changed positions on the couch so that his head was resting against his soulmate's shoulder.

It was the happiest he had been in days...not, weeks. However long, it really felt like his luck was turning around. Maybe his future would be all 'sunshine and roses' from then on.

=~=

They marathoned as many documentaries as possible over the next couple of hours. Deep-sea documentaries, wildlife, forestry (those were Evan's favorite. He actually pushed Connor away when he tried to kiss him in the middle of one), you name it, they watched it, so long as it was nature related.

When five o'clock rolled around and no one had come home yet, Connor paused the television with a sigh.

"If TV rots your brain, we've both got nothing but mush up here, now." he said, tapping his head.

"Eh. It was worth it."

They swayed as they got to their feet, both from fatigue and the fact that neither of them had moved a muscle for a solid two hours.

"Man, I'm so fried. Want to text Jared, see if he wants to meet up for dinner or something?"

Evan raised an eyebrow, "Dinner? It's a little early for that, don't you think?"

"I said or something."

Evan laughed, and took out his phone. "Yeah....looks like a dozen new texts from Jared. I think he'd be willing to go out. He can bring Link, too."

He texted Jared Connor's idea, and was surprised how quickly a response came.

Jared: Thought you'd never ask. Link said it's cool, where 2?

Evan showed Connor the message, and he read it quickly.

"Ice cream?" he suggested, already responding with just that.

Connor nodded, "Sounds good."

Connor wrapped his arm around Evan, and he laughed, burying his head in his shoulder. Jared responded with a quick yes a few seconds later, and the couple hastened out the door.

Being the middle of winter, it was dark outside. Evan was disappointed that it hadn't snowed enough to match the freezing temperatures, but he was still hoping for a white Christmas. Connor turned up the AC as soon as they climbed into the car, and soon it was like a toasty oven. They made light conversation on the way, talking about everything from climate change (yes, they discussed the weather) to superheroes. It seemed like only a second had passed when they finally pulled into the parking lot of Al-La-Mode, the best ice cream parlor in town. Evan couldn't recall the last time he had gone out for ice cream. No doubt it had been when his father still lived with them, or maybe a little bit after he left. Heidi had to start picking up extra shifts only weeks after his departure, and there was never much time to do anything together from that point on.

Jared and Link were already there, digging into their own separate dishes. Evan couldn't decide who's looked more disgusting. Both of their ice creams were so covered with a seemingly random slew of toppings that they looked more like colorful mountains. Evan wrinkled his nose.

"Yo! Hey, you two!" Jared called, waving his spoon in the air as though the tiny piece of plastic might help them find their way over better.

Connor and Evan hurried to them.

"Why are you eating outside?" Connor asked, bewildered, as they sat down at the frozen table.

"Nothing is cooler than ice cream in winter," Jared joked, immediately looking over at Link to see if he had understood the pun. By the way he was shaking his head in disappointment, he had. Jared frowned, "Anyways, we were just making sure you could see us when you got here."

"Yeah, the uh....the spoon flag really helped," Connor said, coughing jokingly.

Evan rolled his eyes, and nudged him on the shoulder. "W-we're going to go order. Be right back. Try not to....freeze to death, or something."

He and Connor stood, hurrying to the warmth of the ice cream shop. Jared and Link were insane to want to sit outside, where it was dark and nippy, when there was a perfectly good, warm, and sweet-smelling shop only a few meters away.

Connor held the door open for Evan, who fake curtsied as he entered.

"Why, thank you....?" he quipped, sporting a fake British accent.

Connor bowed, "Mr. Murphy, at your service. And you are?"

"I-Matt?! I-is that you?" Evan straightened, beaming as he spotted the boy from the bus. Matt, who was at the register counting change, looked up, startled. He grinned when he spotted them.

"Evan? What are you doing here?" he greeted with a small wave.

"I should ask you the same thing! Do you work here?"

Matt nodded, and ran his hand through his hair in an embarrassed sort of way.

"My grandparents own the place. What about you?"

He had, apparently, not spotted Connor.

"Just here with my friends." he shook his head, suddenly remembering, "Oh, um, Matt, this is my boyfriend, Connor. The friend from the hospital? Connor, this is Matt."

Matt's eyes widened slightly, so little that it was barely even noticeable, at the word boyfriend. "Oh....cool." he shook himself, embarrassed. "Sorry, I'm feeling out of it today. Can I get you anything?"

Evan poked Connor's arm, disrupting the intense, one-man staring contest he was having with Matt. "What do you want?" he asked lightly, scanning the board of flavors.

Connor shook his head, "Not really hungry. You go ahead, though."

Evan nodded, "Can I have a...vanilla in a bowl, please? With rainbow sprinkles?"

Matt smiled, "One sec." he turned, and disappeared into the apparent scooping-room.

Connor smirked at Evan, and elbowed him in the arm.

"Rainbow sprinkles?" he questioned, his tone light and teasing.

"Yeah, what about them? I don't like the chocolate ones, they're weird. And boring."

Connor shook his head, "Never mind. So how did you two meet?" he said, gesturing to the back room.

Evan blushed, "You know, it's a really, really long story."

Connor shoved his hands into his pockets, "Why? Were you two a thing or something? I can see it. He looks at you like you dated once."

Evan tilted his head, "What?! N-no, Connor, we met on the bus literally yesterday! That's all, I swear! See-he signed my cast!"

He held up his arm so Connor could see Matt's number scribbled in the O.

At that moment, the door opened, and Jared and Link came stumbling through. They were both laughing so hard that Link looked like he was in physical pain, and he was grasping Jared's arm for support. He wrapped his arm around Jared's shoulders, and kissed him squarely.

Evan flinched like he expected a bomb to go off, but nothing happened. His mouth dropped in surprise as the couple pulled away. Nothing had changed except that their cheeks were a little pinker before, and their smiles a little brighter.

He caught Jared's eye as they made their way over, calmer now, to the counter, and mouthed, What's going on? Jared shrugged in response, flushing deeply.

I tell you later, he promised, ducking his head.

That was a promise he would have to keep, because Matt had come back with Evan's ice cream.

Jared grinned when he saw it, "That's the gayest thing I've ever seen, and I've been with Evan since he was in the womb."

While Evan blushed and turned to glare at Jared, beside them Matt and Link both laughed. Then, creepily in sync, they exclaimed, "That's what I was going to say!"

The others stared at them as they blinked, sizing each other up. Eventually, grins spread over their faces.

"Jinks!" Link said, snapping his fingers, "Gotcha! What's your name, stranger?"

Matt quickly handed Evan his ice cream, and shook Link's hand. "Matt Thomas, nice to meet you."

Link grinned even wider, "You can call me Link. And behind me," he gestured to his friends, "is my boyfriend, Jared. And that's Connor and Evan."

Matt nodded, "We've been acquainted. These are the friends you were talking about, Ev?"

Evan nodded, and began to stir his ice cream into a soup-like mixture. Matt opened the cash register and put the money Evan had given to him inside, closing it with a ding.

"Hey, um, Matt? Do you w-want to sit with us? I mean, if you want to. It's fine if you don't, totally. Totally! But-um-do you want to?" Evan asked hesitantly, looking up from his rainbow-ice cream-mush.

Matt grinned, "That sounds great!"

Evan smiled in relief. Matt slid over the counter, landing easily on his feet. Jared raised his free hand (the other was holding Link's) and pointed to the door.

"Well, Matt, I hope you like a good party, because that's where we're headed now."

Evan's eyes widened, "W-what? No we're n-not!"

Jared tapped Link's arm, "Pat Evan's shoulder for me." Link raised his eyebrow humorously, but did so. Evan ignored the reassurance, and held his soulmates arm a little tighter.

"You....you didn't say anything about a p-party, and you know what; I think I'm feeling sick? I-I think I'm better off going home. C-Connor? What do you say? There's a Salem Witch Trials documentary calling my name."

Connor nodded, "Evan's right. We're going to have to pass. Parties....I don't have the best history with them."

To say the least, Evan thought, remembering the past few days. He didn't say anything out loud, though. A sigh of relief escaped his lips, and he resisted the urge to hug Connor in thanks.

Jared waved his finger, and poked Link's arm again.

"Uh uh. Link, punch Connor."

Link laughed, "What? No!"

Jared scowled at his boyfriend, more disappointed that he wouldn't hit Connor then when he didn't like his ice cream pun.

"Disappointment. Anyways, you have to go. It's just a few people going to Jake Dillinger's house to drink and watch a few movies, nothing big. We can leave if you don't like it. Besides, Matt's going. You can't deny him the pleasure of your...." Jared paused, grasping for the right term. "Lovely presence."

Evan shook his head vehemently, "Sorry. N-not my scene."

Jared rolled his eyes, and let go of Link's hand so he could go shake some sense into his friend.

"What is your scene, a forest?" Evan considered this for a moment, cocking his head slightly. Jared groaned, "No, Ev! That's so not a good thing! We're in our senior year of high school-our fucking senior year!-and you've never been to a party."

Evan bit his thumb, considering. "Well you see, that's not entirely true. I went to....to Janet's eighth-grade graduation party? And that was after graduation, so technically I-um-I have."

Jared stared at Evan like he was watching one of those commercials filled with starving puppies. Instead of shaking him again, he decided to take another route: begging.

"Please. Please, please, please. What if I told you the only reason my mother is letting me go to this party is that I told her you would be there?" he pleaded desperately, squeezing Evan's arms.

Evan shook his head in confusion, "Why would you tell her that?"

"Don't ask questions I can't answer." Jared leveled his gaze and pouted, "It's. Our. Senior. Year. Let's end this semester with a shebang! We can drink eggnog until we start to yodel, really start the holiday season off right. Doesn't that sound fun?"

"No, that sounds awful. Why would anyone count that as a source of entertainment?"

Connor blushed slightly.

There was no way Evan was going to that party. Just the thought made him want to hurl, or curl up in a fetal position and lay like that until the cows came marching in. But Jared was determined to sway him.

He licked his lips, "Okay. If you come for five minutes-just five-I'll...."

He whispered the rest of the sentence in Evan's ear. Whatever the bribery was, it was enough to make his eyes bulge.

"R-really?" he whispered back, unbelieving. Jared nodded. The rest of the group strained to hear what they were saying, but it was inaudible. Jared muttered something else, and Evan stepped back, eyes dancing with excitement. He nodded, "O-okay. I'm in."

Unable to take the suspense, Connor tapped Evan's shoulder.

"What? What did he offer?"

Evan's eyes sparkled, "He said he'll take me to Yosemite! His parents were going to take him on a summer trip, anyways, but if I'm there, they won't have to come. It's on my bucket list to go there! The most famous park in America...." he trailed off distantly, and Connor couldn't help but smile.

Jared, who was nodding along to every word, piped up, "And you can come, too, Connor. I already talked with Link, and he said he can't go. So we have an extra ticket."

Connor grinned, "You do drive a hard bargain, Kleinman."

Evan snapped back to reality. He beamed so brightly it was like the sun was alight inside of him, "You'll come?"

Connor kissed the top of his head, and Evan closed his eyes.

"Of course, Hansen. I love you."

There as a beat where nothing happened, and they just smiled at each other. Then, of course, they all realized what Connor had just said.

Evan's widened to the size of dinner plates, and he turned in his soulmate's arms so he was facing him. Heat all but radiated from Connor's face as his hands dropped from Evan's waist, and he stepped back. It seemed the entire room was holding its breath. It also seemed, to Evan and Connor, that they were the only ones in the room.

"Y-you do?" Evan breathed, his hand automatically going up to touch Connor's name on his cast.

Connor was more of a blushing statue than human, at the moment.

Evan took a hesitant step towards his soulmate, closing the distance between them. Connor held his breath with the rest of the room. It almost looked like there were tears shining in Evan's eyes.

Before Connor could decide whether there was or not, Evan threw his arms around his neck, shaking just the tiniest bit.

"I-I've....you don't...." Evan tried to explain as he pulled away. There really were tears, now. They forged paths on his cheeks, and he tried to wipe them away the best he could. It was hard, like pushing water back into a dam after it's been opened.

Connor wiped them away for him, still scarily silent. Evan took Connor's hand and pressed it to his cheek, trying to control his shaky breathing.

There was a beat of silence before someone finally spoke up. "Oh my-well. Mazel tov?" Matt cleared his throat awkwardly, breaking the ice for the rest of the group.

Evan and Connor both laughed, and pulled away from each other.

"Now that we've got that out of the way," Jared happily announced, "that party isn't going to wait for us!"


	14. FOURTEEN

Jared had lied. That much was obvious as soon as they pulled into the overcrowded driveway. Hell, it was odd they had even _found_ a spot so close to the house: the street was chock full of cars parked haphazardly wherever there was an open space. Evan wasn't sure in what universe ' _a few people_ ' counted as nearly a hundred, but it wasn't one he wanted to live in.

Connor put his hand on Evan's arm, and his eyes snapped over to him. Connor's face was lined with worry, so foreign, and yet so genuine. "Hey. We don't have to do this."

Evan realized he was gripping the armrests so hard his knuckles had gone white, and tried to relax. "I-I think we need to teach Jared how to count. A few people...usually means five? Maybe ten? T-this is not ten people." he swallowed, and grabbed Connor's hand, squeezing it maybe a little too hard. He didn't seem to mind.

"We can leave at anytime. Right now, if you want." Connor suggested, leaning as close to Evan as his seatbelt would allow.

Evan closed his eyes, but when he did all he could see was Yosemite. Him and Connor at Old Faithful, screaming their asses off as it erupted. Trying to wrap his arms around the base of a redwood-even though he knew it was impossible. Jared forcing them to take a picture of him that made it seem as though he was drinking Yosemite Falls....it would be so perfect. All of it. He took a deep breath, and squeezed Connor's hand.

"Just....don't leave me? Please?"

The corners of Connor's mouth twitched, as though he thought that was the silliest thing Evan could ever ask. "Well, duh."

He gently kissed Evan's cheek, and they climbed out of the car.

Matt, Jared, and Link were waiting for them at the door, talking and laughing like they were all old buddies. Without breaking their banter, Jared pushed drinks into Connor and Evan's hands. Evan sniffed his, and wrinkled his nose. It was an amber, stale-smelling liquid. Evan thought it smelled almost-but not quite-like antiseptic. He took a small sip from the sloshing cup, and gagged.

"Ugh! What _is_ this?!"

Jared smirked, "It's _beer_ , Evan. If you think that's bad, wait until you try whatever Jake finds in his parent's cabinet. He's breaking the lock right now."

Evan frowned into his cup, and, after a moment of deliberation, drained the whole thing. Almost immediately, a warm, buzzing sensation spread over his body, and he shivered. Jared half laughed, half choked, shocked as he was. Connor gingerly took his red cup away from him, and set it aside on a nearby table. Evan leaned against his soulmate, already feeling a little woozy.

"Yeah," Connor said, sounding regretful, "this was a bad idea."

Jared slung his arm around his shoulder, grinning from ear to ear. His blond hair was ruffled, and his glasses askew just enough that Evan's fingers twitched with the desire to reach out and fix them."Nah! C'mon, let's go see who's here!"

It was easy to blend into the crowd. The hard thing was trying to stick together. It didn't take long for their small group to be broken apart. Evan wasn't even sure when it happened, to be honest: one minute Jared was yapping away in his ear, and the next he and Connor were alone in the kitchen.

Well, almost alone. Jake Dillinger was in the corner, crouched next to a safe. His lips were pursed in concentration as he wiggled a hairpin in the lock. He seemed to know what he was doing, and, after a moment, it popped open with a satisfying _chink!_  Jake whooped.

"Yo, Rich!" he hollered, not bothering to see if his friend was still in the room with him, "I popped the lock!"

He rummaged in the safe, pulling out two bottles of vodka. One of them was only half-full of the clear liquid, but he didn't seem to mind. Jake turned, grinning wildly. He quickly spotted Connor and Evan, who were watching him with interest from the doorway. He jumped, almost dropping the bottles. "Wh-Jesus!" he sighed, "Sorry. You scared me. Are you to, like, going to make out or something? Because the bedrooms are upstairs." he asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Evan flushed, and he hoped it wasn't to obvious.

"J-Jake-no, it isn't-we aren't....I mean, we are-but we weren't! We weren't going to-going to do _that_!" Evan stammered, flustered, as Connor roared with laughter. He received an elbow to the ribs for his unhelpfulness.

Jake merely shrugged, "Hey, suit yourself. But-if you _do_ -the first bedroom to the right is called for. That's mine. And Rich's, if you know what I mean." he winked at the couple, and strode out of the room as though nothing had happened.

Evan covered his mouth, his red face revealing his lingering mortification. "Aw, c'mere." Connor laughed, and ruffled Evan's hair before pulling him close.

"I d-didn't know Jake and Rich...were a thing." Evan commented. Connor nodded, and began sway. It was almost like they were dancing, though they were miles off the music's beat. Evan wasn't sure what the song was, but it wasn't to his taste, to say the least. It had a lot of swearing, deep voices, and pulsing rhythms that filled the whole house and encouraged the party-goers to gyrate against their partners in every corner of the room.

"I mean, I never really cared." Connor admitted. Evan laughed.

At that moment, Jared, Link, and Matt came stumbling in-drunk off their asses, even though they had been at the party for a total of ten minutes. Evan and Connor stopped their swaying, but neither of them saw any point in letting go of each other, so, quite contentedly, they didn't. Evan was too comfortable to move, to tell you the truth. He rested his head against Connor's chest.

"Ev!" Jared all-but screamed, "Wh-what are you doing here?"

Evan grinned, "You forced me to come, Jared. Remember? Y-Yosemite? Bribe? Any of this....ringing a bell?"

Jared rubbed his face, as though he was trying to bring back his hazy memory. Slowly, a lopsided-grin took shape on his lips. "O-oh! Oh yeah, Evan! You actually came!" he staggered forward, and threw his arms around Evan-and, by default, Connor, who was not pleased.

Matt, who seemed to be the soberest of the trio, came to their rescue. He patted Jared's shoulder, and he turned, squeezing Matt around the middle. "Friend." he affirmed, releasing Matt just as his face began to show purplish hues. He staggered over to Link, and tugged on his shirt collar, pulling him down to his level. Evan turned his head into Connor's chest as Jared kissed his boyfriend, unabashedly open mouthed. When they were finished, Jared (in what he probably thought was a whisper) said, "I want to fuck you."

"Whoa!" Connor exclaimed, taking a step back from the oblivious couple, "You have had _way_ too much to drink, and that's coming from _me._ "

Link held up his finger and waved it at Connor, "Nononono," he slurred, "let him keep talking."

Matt stepped in once more, his red face a twin to Evan's. He tugged on Jared's arm, pulling him away from Link. Both of them whined.

"You two are not-" Matt shuddered, "Jesus. C'mon, J, you need to lay down for a bit."

Evan tried to follow after them, but as soon as he stepped out of Connor's hold, he stumbled, feeling lightheaded and a little queasy.

"Whoa. Not...eh,"

Connor caught him mid-sway, laughing. "Really, Hansen? After one beer?" Evan grunted, and Connor scooped him up like he weighed nothing more than a sack of potatoes."C'mon, you dork. You can go lie down, too."

"I'm going to...get some water." Link said, looking a little green. He hurried out of the room, and Evan had to wonder if he would get some water, or another beer. Link was so wasted he probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

They followed Jared and Matt up the stairs, passing drunk, high, and horny party-goers on their way. One couple was making out _on the stairs_ , both of them only half dressed. Evan giggled when he saw them, but the pair didn't even notice when Connor stepped over them, as... _absorbed_ as they were with each other.

Matt stopped outside of the first door at the beginning of the hall, and reached out to grasp the handle.

"Wait!" Evan exclaimed, "That's Rich-I mean, _Jake's_ room. He and Rich might be..." he blushed, but Matt got the gist, and pulled away as though the doorknob had burned him. They stopped at the next room, and Matt slowly opened the door, peeking inside only for a second. It reminded Evan of what he would do, late at night, when he heard a noise coming from the kitchen or some other dark place. Matt sighed in relief when he saw the room was empty, and helped Jared inside.

"I'll stay with him to make sure he doesn't get into any trouble. When he's feeling better, do you guys want to ditch?"

Evan sighed with relief, and wrapped his arms around Connor's neck, "Yeah. D-definitely. See you later, Matt."

"You too, Ev." he winked jokingly at Connor, "No funny buisness. I want him home by nine, and still a virgin. There will be no pregnancies on my watch."

Connor saluted as best as he could with Evan still in his arms, "Yessir."

"I hate you both." Evan mumbled.

Matt and Connor just laughed, and his soulmate kissed the top of his head, which was starting to hurt. With one more suggestive wink, Matt closed the door. They continued down the hall. The music was quieter up here, though still loud enough. It shook the floor underneath them, and made Evan a little queasy. 

It didn't take them long to find the next room, and while he wasn't _surprised_ to find that it wasn't vacated, it was who was _in_ it that really sobered him up.

"A-Alana?" he stuttered, immediately recognizing his friend by her familiar purple dress and sparkling glasses, which were sitting on the bedside table.

She looked up, a shuddering gasp escaping her lips before she covered them with her hand. That was when Evan saw the tears pouring down her cheeks. He motioned for Connor to put him down, and staggered over to her, still a little light-headed. Connor followed, though not quite so keenly. Evan sat next to her on the bed, but Alana shifted away, hastily trying to get rid of all the evidence that she had been crying.

"W-what do you want?" she whimpered, drawing her knees to her chest.

"I-I...what's wrong? What happened? Did someone hurt you?"

Alana shook her head, and dabbed once more at her puffy eyes. "What do you care?"

Evan's eyes flitted over to where Connor was leaning against the wall, almost blending in with the darkness. He quickly turned his attention back to Alana. "We're your close acquaintances," he said trying for a joke, "of course we care."

That was, apparently, the wrong thing to say. Alana crumpled like a paper doll. Or maybe a china one. As she buried her face into a nearby pillow to mute her sobs, she seemed so fragile she could break any second. 'Fragile' wasn't a word Evan ever thought he would call Alana, but right now it seemed the only way to describe what he was seeing.

Evan began to rub her back comfortingly, and this time she let him. It took a minute for her to calm down enough to right herself, but once she did, Evan put an arm around her waist. She rested her head on his shoulder, her eyes red and puffy from crying.

"What happened?" he asked again.

She took an uncertain breath, "I-it was...Heidi. We...I really like her. And I guess she didn't feel the same. I _thought_ she did, at least, she pretended she did. Said I was pretty, told me I was smart. We kissed. And then her _boyfriend_ came and took her away so they could bang." she said, a mix of disgust and something not unlike shame leaking into her voice.

"Gosh...that's...awful, Alana, I'm so sorry." Evan said awkwardly. He wasn't good at comforting people. "You don't deserve her, though. I-I mean _she_ doesn't deserve _you_. You're great. You shouldn't have to deal with that crap."

She looked up at Evan, still futilely trying to dry her tear stained face. "N-no. You don't get it-Heidi i-is.... _I really like her._ I know there's a way..." her eyes suddenly widened, and caught on Connor in the corner. "T-the Connor Murphy Project!"

Connor raised his eyebrow, "Excuse me?"

Alana nodded feverently, a bit of her normal energy shining through. "I-if I create the Connor Murphy Project, she'll think I-I'm interesting again! She'll want me back!"

Connor stepped out of the shadows, "Alana, what the fuck are you going off about?"

"A project." she repeated, her hands twitching in her lap, "For kids who are addicted to drugs,"

"Wait-"

"Who are at the brink, and need someone to pull them back-"

Connor clenched his fists, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to control himself, "Alana-"

"Kids who are lost, and feel like their voices aren't heard! The _Connor Murphy Project_! And you two-you can be my co-chairmen! Working for me-I mean, _with_ me, to help these kids!" her eyes shone with new hope, and Evan swallowed. But before he could say anything, Connor exploded.

"I'm not fucking dead, Alana! Everyone seems to miss that, don't they? I've seen petitions to make my Twitter into a freaking memorial page-and I don't even _post_ anything on there-and do you _know_ what I found in the school's rotunda this morning, on the way to my locker? Freaking. _Roses._ Flowers! _MOTHER FUCKING FLOWERS, WHICH WERE APART OF A MEMORIAL BECAUSE YOU CONVINCED PEOPLE I OD!_ Or was it a car accident? The rumour is so twisted, I don't fucking know! Kids I don't even know are coming up with stories about how we were best buddies! Kids who-who _don't even know my middle name._ Hell," he took a breath, and looked her straight in the eyes. Alana shrank under his gaze. "Do _you_ know my middle name?"

Alana stayed silent, her lips pursed. Connor glanced over at Evan, who, without thinking, answered, "Anthony. Connor Anthony Murphy."

The corners of Connor's mouth twitched slightly, and he quickly motioned to Alana. "I think you should go. Come back when you know who your real friends are."

Alana's eyes widened slightly, and, for a moment, Evan felt guilt gnawing at his stomach. Alana turned to him, pleading, and he softened for just a second.

"Evan. The _lives_ we could improve." she whispered.

He shook his head, and pried her hands from his arm, "N-no, I'm sorry." he squeezed her hand lightly, and cut her off when she opened her mouth to speak, "D-don't pretend this is about anyone other than you,"

Alana wrinkled her nose, only Evan was partly certain it was to stop herself from crying anymore. " _Fuck_ you, Evan."

She all but shoved her glasses into place, and stormed out of the room. Evan watched her go, something like regret pooling in his stomach.

"Hey," Evan turned, and there was Connor, a worried, half-moon plastered to his lips.

Before Evan could think about what the hell he was doing, he was kissing Connor. He didn't know who was more surprised, but he didn't give himself the time to think about it. Connor's lips were soft and warm under his own, and Evan shifted so that he was straddling him. He let himself get lost in the kiss, because the only time he could shed the fear, the loneliness, all the bad parts of himself that he never let _anyone_ see. Every day with Connor-as friends, best friends, soulmates, boyfriends-were millions of years where he was safe, and happy. He wished...he wished he could tell Connor without tripping over his own tongue. Without sounding like a cliche, or making a fool of himself.

But how would he ever be able to do that? Did he have the strength, or even the _words_ , to tell Connor how he felt?

He put his hand on Connor's chest, and pulled away, falling back down on the bed. He pulled his knees up to his chest and hugged them, not unlike what Alana had done. Connor lazily opened his eyes, confused. He blinked when he saw Evan, who was rocking back and forth like a frightened child.

"Hey, wh-Evan?" he closed his eyes as Connor's voice grew thick with worry. "What's wrong? D-did I do something to upset you?" Connor asked, tentatively putting an arm around his shoulders. Evan shrugged him off, and closed his eyes.

He hadn't realized he was crying.

Think, think, _think damnit_. There had to be a way. _Any_ way. But still, what if Connor didn't feel the same? Evan knew Connor liked him, sure, they were soulmates, after all. But _soulmates_. What did that even mean? What about Jared and Link? They weren't soulmates-to Evan's knowledge-but they were still so obviously in love.

Evan remembered what Jared had told him what must have been eons ago: _maybe fucked up people connect because they need to fix each other like no one else can._ What if...what if a soulmate isn't the love of your life, but the person you _needed_ most in your life?

Had Evan helped Connor? Sure. Connor had it pretty rough, and he guessed he had sone a little to make things better for him. But what if Connor didn't actually...what if he was only with Evan because that's what the vision said was supposed to happen?

"Evan!" Connor yelled, shaking him out of his daze. "Evan," he hissed, quieter, "tell me what's going on?!" his eyes were frantically scanning Evan's face for some kind of sign. He stared dully back, his head swimming.

A sudden, piercing scream filled the air, and Evan finally snapped awake. He stumbled off of the bed, searching for the source of the blood-curdling sound. Connor followed close behind him.

A light-white as a cloud, and as bright as a star-no. Brighter. A _supernova_ -filled the room, and Evan fell to the ground, covering his eyes, which felt like they were being burned out of his head. Connor dropped next to him, and Evan felt his arms wrap around him protectively. He fought back a scream, biting the inside of his cheek so hard a metallic taste filled his mouth.

And just as soon as it had started, it was over. Evan's stomach lurched as the light receded, leaving darkness so potent and thick that he thought he had gone blind.

"C-Connor?" he whimpered, his heart constricting in his chest.

His arms tightened around him, and Evan squirmed, finding Connor's face and holding it in his hands. He was there. He was _there_ , and that meant everything was fine.

"Hey, hey. It's okay, Ev, it's okay." he hushed. Evan nodded, tears prickling at the back of his eyes. God, he was such a loser. It was just a soulmate bond. That's all. The world wasn't ending, everybody was fine.

He pressed himself against Connor's chest, and his soulmate rubbed his back soothingly. Down the hall, wolf-whistles and raucous cheering replaced the lone scream. Evan buried his face in Connor's shoulder, his heart racing a mile a minute as he listened.

 _"L-Link!"_ Evan's ears perked up, and he raised his head, eyes wide as saucers. That was Jared's voice. _"Link!"_ Jared screamed, the applause halted, and the hall filled with deathly silence. _"I'm sorry!"_ his tears were obvious in his voice, and Evan scrambled to his feet, his stomach jumping and twisting and eating at itself.

It was like his world was moving in slow motion. His legs felt large and heavy, disconnected from his brain. The crowd parted to let him pass, and even that looked bugged out. He skidded to the end of the hall in time to see Jared collapse to his knees, and Link run out the door. Matt hovered at Jared's shoulder, looking like a man up for trial. Jared pushed him away, and he stumbled. With one last, _"I-I'm so sorry, Jared,"_ he, too, ran away. The crowd was graveyard still, and Evan broke the hush by calling his friends name as he fell to his side.

"I-I," Jared choked, "I don't love my soulmate."

Evan hugged him, and Jared began to sob, his tears wetting through his shirt. He held Evan like he was the only thing in the world keeping him from falling apart completely.

And Evan had one, selfish thought:

_I love mine too much._


	15. Fifteen

Trying to get Jared to come with them to the car was like trying to uproot a drunk tree. They kept at it for almost ten minutes before he finally allowed them to pull him to his feet. He wrapped his arm around Evan's shoulders, and closed his eyes as they slowly began to walk. They didn't pass through the crowd unnoticed, this time. Far from it, in fact. Around them, the room buzzed with whispers, which all seemed strangely louder than the still-blasting music. Instead of being embarrassed, Evan was surprised to find that he was mad as hell. What right did these people have to whisper about his friend, to twist the story for entertainment, to pretend Jared and Link and Matt weren't real people whose lives were now falling apart at the seams?

His arm tightened around Jared, and he scowled uncharacteristically. "C-c'mon, J." he murmured into his ear, "we'll be home before you know it."

Jared didn't respond, or show any sign that he had heard. They stumbled down the stairs, where the rest of the party was raging. It was like a completely different house, to tell you the truth. Only a few people noticed as they walked by, but those who did quickly grabbed their friends or dancing partners and began to whisper in their ears.

"Emmett?" called a familiar voice, "Where are you guys going?" Jake maneuvered the crowd-actually, it parted for him like the damn Red Sea-and clapped a hand on Evan's shoulder. "The party hasn't even started yet!"

 _Actually_ , Evan thought, _it's been going on for far too long._

He didn't say that, of course. Instead, he licked his lips. "W-we, um...we're going home. It was-uh-nice popping in?"

Jake pouted for a moment before spotting his boyfriend across the room. He patted Evan's shoulder once more, as though he was _trying_ to be nice, but his heart wasn't in it. He didn't really mind: at this point, he was ready to throw Jared over his shoulder and sprint out of the house. "Yeah, well, thanks for coming. See you dudes at school."

He fixed his shirt collar, and all but strutted across the room to where Rich was waiting.

Jared tugged on Evan's sleeve, and he cocked his head towards him, hoping he wouldn't pull another _'I want to fuck you,'_ gag. While they had been half-closed before, Jared's eyes were now wide open and shining with tears. Evan's heart tugged. "I-I want to see Link." Jared slurred, his breath reeking of alcohol. "I need to tell him-I need to-I need to throw up,"

Evan flinched, and let go of him. Jared stumbled towards the door, the crowd hastily parting to let him pass. He opened it, and the cool night air rushed inside the house. Most of the party-goers groaned, but Evan didn't mind. It was too hot in the house, with all the churning and dancing bodies.

Connor replaced Jared at his side, and Evan frowned, still feeling...well, I don't know. Isn't that the whole problem, though?

"We have to get him back home." Evan whispered, shoving down the nameless feeling.

Connor nodded, "And after that, we need to talk."

Evan closed his eyes, his heart sinking. He wasn't ready. He and Connor couldn't 'talk', because if they _did_ Evan would have to explain himself, and the only way to do that was to tell Connor how he really felt. He couldn't do that; he was scared. He bit his lip, and squirmed out from under his soulmate's arm, hurrying out the door to Jared.

He found him lying on the ground, his limbs spread out like he was making a snow angel. He was muttering to himself, too, something like: "Linklinklinklink,"

Evan rushed over, and helped Jared to his feet. He continued mumbling, this time in Evan's ear.

"I know, J. It's going to be okay."

Connor followed close behind them as they made their way to the car, the sounds of the party muted and now mixing with the chirps of cicadas. There was a sweet, dewy smell to the air, and Evan took deep breaths of it in an attempt to calm down. Jared ran his hand along the side of Connor's car, and gave a drunken whistle, frowning when it didn't come out right. "This is a _nice_ -nice car. Nice car," he giggled, "man. Dude. Man-dude."

Connor wrinkled his nose, "Just get into the damn car, Jared."

Jared frowned, and wagged his finger. Still, he opened the back door. "Testy...Evan, you're bf is _testy_. You like 'em feisty, huh?"

Evan and Connor both scowled, "Get in the damn car, Jared!"

The ride to Jared's house was silent, but not peaceful. A thick cloud of tension hung in the air, and Evan avoided even glancing at Connor the whole time, opting to press his forehead against the cool window instead. His heart raced in his chest, and he cursed himself for it. Meanwhile, Jared hummed happily in the back seat, though every two minutes he would break into bouts of sobbing. Those only lasted for about three seconds, though.

"Melinda's going to kill him." Evan mumbled.

Connor glanced over at him, confusion clouding his face. "What?"

Evan turned around, just enough so he could see him. The shadows cut angles in Connor's pale face, and his heart clenched just looking at him. Evan turned away, and looked back out the window.

"Jared's mother, Melinda. She's going to kill him."

"Oh."

"Also, you passed his house like half a mile back."

Connor swore, and slammed the brakes so hard Evan bounced in his seat. "Sorry, sorry. Shit, which one is his?"

Evan licked his lips, knowing what Jared leaving meant; mainly, him being alone with Connor. He wasn't looking forward to it, too say the least. But it wasn't as if he could keep Jared cooped up in the backseat _forever_.

"Er, the blue one. Green shutters."

Connor puffed out his cheeks, and peered out the window as he crept down the street, driving at the average speed your grandmother uses when rolling down the highway. "Yeah, Hansen, you're going to have to be more specific." he said, irritation leaking into his voice. Instead of saying Evan's last name with the usual fondness, Connor sounded more like he was biting back an insult. Evan couldn't _really_ blame him.

 _This is it_ , he convinced himself, _this is where Connor realizes it wasn't at all worth it and he leaves me. Jared's going to go home, and Connor's going to be free to say he wants to break up. And why shouldn't he? I mean, I rejected him, I'm a complete burden, I think my hands might be sweating...who finds that attractive?_

Evan wiped his hands on his pants, and pointed out the window. "I-it's that one."

Connor pulled up to the sidewalk, and Evan climbed out of the car so he could help Jared. His friend reached for him like an infant grasping for his mother, or a bottle of milk. "Yeah, yeah. C'mon, Jared. Let's get this over with-you're going to be grounded for eternity. And I'll probably sink with you."

Jared giggled, "Like the Titanic. That was fun." he pouted suddenly, "Tonight was not fun. I want Link, I want to cuddle."

Evan helped him out of the car, shushing him. It was unlikely that they would be able to sneak past Jared's parents, but he was still going to try his best.

"I know. Maybe you can see him tomorrow?"

Jared shuddered, "I need-"

"Please don't say _to barf_."

Jared stopped talking, but his green face told Evan everything he needed to know. He groaned quietly, and hurried across the lawn. The good thing about Jared's bedroom was that it was on the first floor, and always had an unlocked window. It was once his older brother's room, but Jared claimed it for his own after Jason left for college. It was smaller than Jared's original room, but he had chosen it for it's convenience, not for it's size. The room was perfect for sneaking out at night, something Jared frequently did. Still, he often told horror stories of coming home late and his parents being there, in the room, waiting for him. Evan prayed that this was not the case tonight, and pushed the window open, just enough so that Jared could climb through. His friend groaned.

"Can...can't I take the stairs?"

On any other night, Evan might've laughed. "There are no stairs, Jared."

His friend frowned, and threw his arms around him. "Hey Ev? I feel like shit."

Evan awkwardly patted his shoulder, "I know, alcohol sucks. You'll feel worse in the morning."

Jared pulled away, and Evan was surprised to see that there were tears in his eyes. "N-no, I mean-I feel like _shiiiit._ Don't feel like shit, too, okay Ev? Don't...upset your soulmate. Feels like shitty shit shit."

Evan's eyebrows furrowed, and Jared gave him one last squeeze before turning, and wiggling easily through the window. He didn't even bother to wave goodbye to Evan before he disappeared into the darkness.

Evan watched him go, and, slowly as he could, turned on his heel and started towards the car. He dragged his feet on the ground, as though that would make his short walk longer. His house was only down the street...maybe he could make a break for it? He stopped, and watched the car for just a second. He could see Connor inside, waiting for him and looking just as nervous as he felt. No. Evan wouldn't be able to talk to him, but he wasn't going to abandon him completely, either.

He continued towards the car, taking a breath before he climbed in. Connor was playing with a piece of red plastic in the shape of three odd loops. Evan's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"What's that?" he asked, pointing to the toy.

Connor looked up from underneath his hair, and spun the plastic on his finger. "It's a fidget spinner. It's supposed to help with anxiety, or just to calm you down."

Evan swallowed, "And...do you need calming down?"

Connor caught the fidget spinner, and squeezed it in his hand. His eyes scanned Evan's face, "Depends. Should I?"

He didn't answer. Instead, he ducked his head, and looked back out the window. Connor sighed, "What's up with you, Ev? What did I do wrong?"

 _Nothing. Something._ Everything.

Evan fiddled with the edge of his shirt, strangely allergic to looking Connor in the eye. "Y-you know, I don't think this is a good....time? T-to talk about this, I mean. I mean, you're driving, and I'm...riding...in the car. So, yeah. That's all." he bit his lip.

He didn't realize he was shaking until Connor put a hand on his arm, and he flinched away. "Evan! Jesus, just tell me what I _did_! I'm sorry!" Connor reached out as though he was going to hug Evan, but quickly ran his hand through his hair instead. "Jesus! Je-"

Evan shook his head furiously, and raised his voice over Connor's, "Let me out! I-I can't breath!" he was, in fact, gasping for breath. Connor pulled over in a panic, and Evan tumbled out of the car, gulping the night air like a fish out of water, his legs folded uselessly beneath him. "I-I'm s-sorry, Con-"

Just then, a police car, with it's lights flashing and its siren screaming, passed by them. Evan watched it go by, a sinking feeling in his gut. His eyes followed it until the blue lights were nothing but a memory. Something had happened. That much, he was sure. His breathing shallowed.

Connor, apparently, felt the same. His face went white, "Evan. Evan get back in. It's...it's headed towards my house."

It didn't matter that Connor's house was miles away, and that the car could've been going anywhere along the road. It didn't matter because they _both_ felt it. Evan hurried back into the car without hesitation, and Connor all but floored the pedal.

~=~

They arrived at the Murphy household just as the police office was stepping out of his car. Connor slammed his car door, and Evan hurried to undo his seat-belt, scrambling to follow his soulmate.

"Officer? What's going on?"

The man turned, and sized Connor up. He didn't seem to pleased with what he saw. "Are you a relative of Larry Murphy?"

Connor nodded, and Evan took his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. Connor spared a moment to give him a thankful, almost yearning look, before turning back to the officer. "Yeah, he's my...dad. What's wrong?"

The officer nodded, and took out a notepad. It was maddening how he was taking his time. "There was an accident. Is the rest of your family inside? Would it be alright if I came in?"

Connor held up his hand, "W-what? That's it? _'There was an accident'_? What the hell does that mean?"

He stared at Connor, unimpressed but slightly more sympathetic, now. "I think it's best if I tell your whole family. Now, I repeat myself: are they inside?"

Struck dumb, Connor nodded. The officer motioned to the house, and Evan and Connor shared a glance before following him inside. Evan's insides felt like they were being twisted into a knot. He couldn't even imagine how Connor was feeling. Still, when he scanned his boyfriends face, he saw no emotion.

Cynthia Murphy met them at the door, scowling, "Connor! Where were you? Oh. Officer. Connor?!? Again! You would think you've learned your lesson by now."

She pulled Connor inside, her sharp nails digging into his arm. He winced, and pulled away. The cop and Evan followed them inside, and Evan frowned. He gently rubbed Connor's arm where the marks of his mother's nails were, and fought the urge to kiss his cheek, too.

Cynthia frowned, and turned to Evan. She brightened as soon as she recognized him. "Emmett!"

Connor coughed, "Evan."

"Evan, sorry, dear. What are you doing here?" she palmed her forehead, "Oh, sweetie, Connor didn't mix you up in one of his little messes, did he?" she patted Evan's chest in a motherly way, and he fought to keep his expression blank.

"No, ma'am."

The officer raised his hand, like he was a student asking for permission to speak. "Mrs. Murphy, don't you have a daughter?"

Cynthia's mouth made a little _O_ of surprise, and she raised her eyebrow. "Zoe, yes. May I ask why?"

"Where is she?"

"At some party. My husband went to pick her up. He must be on his way, he's been gone for a rather long time, already."

The cop nodded, and his radio buzzed. He turned the knob, and the static went away. "Mrs. Murphy, I'm afraid there's been an accident. A drunk driver hit your husband's car on his way to this...party. He's in the Intensive Care Unit right now, I'm afraid."

Cynthia's hand flew to her mouth, and she grasped around for something to steady herself with. She found a nearby oak table, and held onto it for dear life. Evan noticed she was shaking.

"W-what?" she whispered, barely audible, "Is he going to be alright?"

The officer paused, and then slowly shook his head. Evan's eyes widened as he delivered the fatal news, "It was...a very bad accident, Mrs. Murphy. The other driver, too, is in questionable condition. But your husband...he...well, he wasn't wearing his seat-belt. He must have been in a hurry to pick up your daughter. I'm so, so sorry. Words cannot express how touched I am by your loss." he said, as though Larry was already dead. He patted her hand, expression grim. "If you would like a ride back to the hospital, I would happily oblige. I know...I know how tough this is."

Cynthia collapsed to the floor, bunching her skirt in her hands. She released the most heart wrenching wail Evan had ever heard, one that couldn't be faked or recreated, because it was pure pain. It was the sound of part of a soul dying. Connor rushed to his mother's side, and she held onto his arm, gasping through sobs, as he helped her to her feet.

"C'mon, mom. C'mon. It's going to be okay."

She wailed again, only this time it was muffled by her handkerchief.

They shuffled out the door, the police officer holding it open for them to pass through. Evan felt completely alien and unsure. He shouldn't have been there. _Zoe_ should have. Evan wasn't apart of the Murphy family, hell, Cynthia didn't even know his name. So why _was_ he there, and what was he supposed to do now?

Connor poked his head back in the door, scanning the room for Evan. When he found him, he cocked his head. "Ev, c'mon."

Evan followed.


	16. SIXTEEN

**tw: car accidents and the effects, panic attacks referring to a death**

Evan thought it wrong that _he_ was the one panicking, while Connor remained completely calm, in a detached sort of way. Evan rested his head in his hands, taking deep breaths through his nose. He felt Connor squeeze his shoulder, and he relented to the touch. It was almost painful how even the slightest brush of Connor’s hand against his own made his heart clench.

“Hey, are you okay?” Connor murmured gently.

Evan ducked his head, and began to play with the edge of his shirt. “Y-yeah, duh. Of course, he's your dad. How are…” he took a breath, and glanced up at his soulmate. His hands went still for just a second. “How are _you_ doing?”

Connor dropped his hand from Evan’s shoulder, confused. “I’m fine, Ev.” he paused for a minute, like he was going to say something. He didn’t, though. Instead, Connor rapped on the glass. “Can we make a pit stop?”

The officer nodded, and Connor began to feed him directions. In less than fifteen minutes, they were back at Jake’s house, where the party had moved outside. A string of students was now throwing beer bottles at the house-presumably to see whose would shatter best-and screamed when they saw the cop car pull in.

“I-it’s the _fuzz_!” one of the gasped in drunken astonishment. His red hoodie was wrapped around his head like some sort of patch-covered turban. “C’mon, we….we need to _run_!” he giggled, and pulled on the back of his friend’s shirt. They stumbled away, tripping over each other more than once. This, of course, just made them laugh harder.

Connor hastily unbuckled, sparing a glance towards Evan. “I’ll be right back. I just need to find Zoe.” he hesitated for a moment before closing the distance between them, placing a feathery kiss on Evan’s cheek. He swallowed, and nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” he brushed Connor’s hair back from his face, and their gazes locked. It must’ve been milliseconds, but it felt like days. Connor’s eyes...they were clouded with worry, and something he couldn’t name. Evan wondered what emotions Connor saw in _his_ eyes, but it wasn’t as if he had time to ask. They pulled away, and Evan’s hands clenched at the edge of his seat. Connor climbed out of the car like nothing had happened, because, in the eyes of everyone else, nothing _had_ happened.

Maybe Evan was going insane.

He shrank a little, and listened in on Cynthia hammering the poor cop with questions. She had been doing it the whole ride, only Evan had been trying his best to tune her out. It just made him feel worse to hear her sobs.

“Is there anything else you can tell us, officer?” she asked, ripping a Kleenex into tiny, snow-like pieces.

“I'm afraid I don't know much, ma'am. I know there were two other boys involved in the crash, and that it happened at an intersection not far back. The other two boys are in Intensive Care, too. One of them might make it out, but the other-”

Cynthia stifled a sob, or maybe a yawn. She glanced towards the backseat, and acted as though she was surprised to see that Connor had gone.

“W-where did he go?”

Evan blinked, his mouth dry. “He-he went to g-get Zoe? She...”

Someone rapped on the car door, and Evan started, his heart jumping in his chest. It was Connor, back with a tear-stained Zoe hovering at his shoulder. Evan opened the door to let them in, shuffling over two seats so neither of them would have to climb over him. Connor sat next to him, and once they were both buckled, the officer started the car. In the front seat, Cynthia dabbed at her wet eyes with a new tissue, the old one an unsavable pile in her lap. Zoe squinted at the back of her mother’s seat, silent tears running down her cheeks. Her brother reached out a tentative hand to comfort her, but she swatted it away.

“Don’t touch me, asshole.” she muttered.

Connor drew back, expertly wiping his face blank. “Whatever. Bitch.”

Zoe glared at him, an effect made only slightly less terrifying by the redness of her eyes and the tears running down her cheeks. Evan stared at Connor in disbelief, only this time, it was _his_ gaze being avoided. Cynthia turned around, hitting the glass divider with the palm of her hand.

“Stop fighting!” she screeched, “Your father is… _your father is_ -” she shook her head, choking on her words. Cynthia turned back to face the front, unable to go on.

Connor and Zoe scowled at each other for a second longer before looking away. For the rest of the car ride, their fight hung like a toxic cloud in the air, until Evan was sure he was going to asphyxiate if he had to be immersed in it for a moment longer.

The officer stopped outside of the hospital, and while everyone else unbuckled, Cynthia sat still as a stone in her seat. Her face had gone pale, though it might’ve been the moonlight shining in through the window. Zoe climbed out of the car, and tapped gently on the passenger-side window.

“Mom?” she said, more of a question than anything.

Cynthia looked over with a start, her eyes wide and vulnerable. “I-I don’t…” she shook her head, and her voice dropped to a whisper. “I can’t go in there. I can’t-your father...Larry, what if he doesn’t m-make it? What-what am I supposed to do then?” she shuddered, and Zoe opened the door, holding out her hand for Cynthia to take. She did, and, slowly, she let her daughter help her out of the car.

“Then...then we say our goodbyes.”

~=~

Amy Tan once said, _“God, life changes faster than you think.”_ Evan didn't exactly know who Amy Tan was, but he was beginning to find his own meaning in the quote. The Murphys raced up the stairs, and Evan followed like a stray pup. They ran as fast as they could, but still, they were too late.

The sound of their footfalls resonated through the hall as they ran, searching for where Larry was supposed to be. There was a good chance they would be pushed out because he was in surgery, but they all knew that wasn’t going to be the case as soon as they saw the amount of doctors in Larry’s make-shift room. Or rather, the lack thereof.

There were two or three doctors in the room, and as soon as they spotted the shell-shocked family standing in the doorway, they rushed over to push them out.

“Ma’am, ma’am! You can’t- _I’m sorry but you can’t-_ ” one of them tried to say, gently pushing a squirming Cynthia out of the room.

Tears streamed down her face as she fought him, “No! No! That’s my husband-” she screamed, her voice cracking, “ _let me see him_! Please!” she grabbed the doctor’s shoulders, and he paused, taking a moment to take in her distress.

He nodded, and she pushed past him, dropping on her knees next to the cot. Evan took her place in the doorway, and his hand flew to his mouth. Connor noticed, and grabbed his face in his hands, blocking Evan’s view of Larry. Or, rather, the sheet that now covered him.

“Hey, _hey_ -calm down, Evan! Calm down!”

But he couldn’t _‘calm down’_. How could he ever be calm, when there was the corpse of a man he had once known only ten feet away? How could he _‘calm down’_ when only days before, he had been in the same position, only it was _his_ soulmate on the line. How could he, when all he could imagine was that _Connor_ was the one under the sheet, the one who’s skin was cold and turning blue, who would never take another breath?

Connor _was_ under that sheet, Evan could see it vividly, now. Connor would never laugh again, or hold him, or kiss him or call him weird-ass nicknames. He would never be endearingly annoying and worryingly reckless-the only thing left in Connor’s future was a hole, seven feet deep and filled with only worms to keep him company. Evan’s breathing grew shallow, and his vision narrowed and blurred.

“C-Connor,” he gasped, reaching out, and grabbing nothing but air.

Someone’s arm snaked around him and picked him, up carrying him away from the room. Evan screamed and kicked, but whoever was carrying him didn’t flinch. Maybe his protests were all in his head. He found himself sitting in one of the waiting room chairs, his arms around someone’s neck. He blinked, and took a shaky breath of the oxymoronic mix of panic and relief.

“Oh, _oh God_ , Connor. Oh God, oh God.” Evan breathed, pressing his forehead against his soulmates. Connor pressed back, and Evan scanned his face to find...nothing. There was nothing but a blank slate. “I-I’m sorry. For freaking out and-”

Connor pulled back, “You don’t have to apologize for that. Or the other thing.” he cleared his throat, and Evan put a hand on his chest.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Connor nodded, “Yes. Yes, but...there’s something I...well, I have to tell you something.”

Evan nodded, his heart sinking. “It’s...it’s okay, Connor. I know what you’re going to say, and I think that...if that’s how you feel-”

“I love you.”

“Then we can break up. I understand that I’m not really ideal soulmate material, and-and that you’ll want some time now that Larr-” Evan’s head snapped up suddenly, his gaze interlocking with Connor’s. His soulmate nodded, and brushed his fingers gently against Evan’s cheek. His heart raced. Even though Connor had already said so, it was different this time. He was admitting it on purpose, not because of some silly slip-up.

“Yeah, I do.” Connor tilted his head back, resting it against the wall. “And I don’t think you should say it back, even if you do, too.” his voice cracked, but his face remained blank. “Because I think I need to leave.”

Evan’s eyes widened, “Leave? Wh-what do you mean, _leave_? You c-can’t! Your family needs you here, at home, and...and _I_ need you! And you can’t just say you love me, and then run away! And you can’t tell me that _I_ don't get to say it _back_!”

Connor closed his eyes, “Is your mom working tonight?”

“Y-yes, but-”

He was cut off as Connor quickly pressed his lips against his, grabbing the front of Evan’s shirt as though he would never let go. But he did. Connor pulled away, and knocked Evan gently on the shoulder. “I’ll be back, Hansen.”

Evan wished he could have protested, shouted something- _anything_ -to keep Connor from turning his back on him and walking away as though he were just going to get a glass of soda down the hall. But he didn’t. He just _watched_ as Connor left, tears stinging at his eyes but not falling.

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

He didn’t know how long he had been standing there until Zoe came running towards him, her face red and blotchy from crying. It appeared her tears had run out, though-her face was now mostly dry.

“Evan! Where the hell is my brother?” she said. Her voice was stuffy, like she had a cold.

“He-he...I don’t know.”

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

“You don’t know?” Zoe grunted in frustration, “Why the hell does he do this?! He makes _everything_ about him! Doesn’t think for one moment that we might need him here. Fuck!” she threw out her hands, and hit the wall with a whimper.

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

Evan thought he was rushing to her side, but everything was moving kind of slowly. “Let’s get you some ice.”

Now he sounded just as dull as Connor.

They made their way back to where-no, not Larry. Where _Cynthia_ was. She was curled up in the cot now, refusing to let the doctors wheel it away.

“Can we get some ice?” Evan gave a small moment to think about how steady his voice was. “She hurt her hand.”

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

The doctor-the same man who had tried to stop Cynthia from entering before-nodded, and retrieved some from what looked like a mini-fridge in the corner of the room. Zoe pressed it to her hand, hissing at the cold.

“Thank you.”

The man smiled sadly, “No problem. Please, if there’s anything else I can do….?”

Zoe shook her head, and thanked him again. She made her way over to Cynthia, and began to try to coax her out of the cot. Evan watched them for a minute before stopping the doctor on his way out the door.

“Wait,” he swallowed, “the others involved in the crash-the drunk kids? Who are they? How are they doing?”

The doctor paused, and pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, then back again, considering. Eventually, he sighed.   
“Well, I’m not really supposed to disclose this information.” he looked down his nose at Evan, squinting scrutinizingly. “But, under the circumstances, I will. Both of the other victims _are_ in critical condition, though we believe one of them will escape with lifelong injuries. That sounds bad, but, well, considering...." he cocked his head in the direction of Larry's body, and Evan nodded, bile rising in his throat. "His name is Mark Stevenson, do you know him?”

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

Evan shook his head, and the doctor continued.

“Major broken bones and concussion, all that good stuff. The other...we’re not feeling so hot about him. He hit his head in the crash, and is now in a comatose state.”

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

“What’s his name?”

_I’ll be back, Hansen._

“Matthew Thomas, and there’s a good chance he might not wake up.”

_I’ll be back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, what a short crappy chapter. you people have so many reasons to not be happy with me rn. but uh....don't worry. i'lL bE BaCK with a new chapter soon (no not really i just wanted to really rub that in)


	17. SEVENTEEN

Eighteen days. That's how long it had been since Evan had seen Connor. He'd received no texts, no phone calls or emails-just complete silence. Maddening, absolute, _silence_. He had no way of knowing where Connor might be, or even if he was okay. Between his soulmate's disappearance-if you can call it that-and the accident, Evan's brain was way to overloaded. He felt like a computer with too much on it's flash drive.

He spent most of his free time in the hospital, by Matt's bedside. He hadn't yet convinced Jared to come with him, but he still wasn't Matt's only visitor. Evan had never _seen_ anyone else, but his room was bursting with cards and flowers from well-wishers. Evan was still waiting for Matt to wake up so he could appreciate them.

He couldn't help feeling that it was his fault-all of it. Zoe had told him her side of the story. Apparently, she had gone to Jake's party alone. It was supposed to be just some innocent fun, but it didn't turn out that way. The next thing she knew, she was stumbling around the mansion, searching for Connor to whom she was going to beg a ride home from.

But of course, Connor was upstairs with Evan.

So Zoe called Larry instead, and he had promised to be there in fifteen minutes.

She called him about the same time as the soulmate bond, about the same time Jared was yelling at Matt to leave.

According to Mark Stevenson, he had found just outside of Jake's house, stumbling around in a hazy daze, so he offered him a ride. Mark was drunk.

Matt should have realized that. _Someone_ should have realized that.

Mark ran a red light at an intersection, and Larry, who was in a rush to pick up his daughter, barrelled right towards them. Stevenson was luckiest: the impact was on Matt's side, and the airbag deployed in and impossibly luckily way that shielded him from a lot of the impact. At least, enough to survive.

Evan shook his head. Over the past few days, he'd been trying to piece the story together. Trying to explain why a good man-a _father_ -had to die, why his friend's life was now on the line. To explain the universe wouldn't let him be happy, because everything had been _so damn perfect_ before, and now nothing was the same. Jared hardly ever smiled anymore. His eyes were always red, and Evan honestly couldn't tell if it was from sleep-deprivation or smoking too much weed. Whatever the case, it unnerved him greatly. And of course, Alana had yet to end her reign of terror. She texted Evan non-stop about _The Connor Murphy Project_ , until he was forced to block her. Sadly, there was no such thing as blocking in real life.

"Hi, Matt," Evan said quietly, dropping his bag in the chair next to his friend's bed. It was unlikely that he could actually hear him, but Evan liked to talk to him, anyways. Even though the conversation was one sided, he kept it going. Matt's room felt too much like a morgue whenever he stopped. "I went to Connor's house to g-get a new book. I finished _1984_ last night, sorry. It was pretty good, I can see why he likes it."

A few days after Connor's disappearance, before Evan had really gotten into his routine of visiting Matt, he had come home from school to find his mother on the couch, flipping through old yearbooks. Heidi had been so excited to show Evan all of them, and it was while he was flipping through the eighth-grade yearbook that he found it. It was just a silly little page waster, a project the entire grade had done. While most everyone had made collages-pictures of their friends and family, and favorite quotes-Connor had made a list of his ten favorite books. Evan had touched the page, and, without a moment's deliberation, hastily pushed back his chair. It scraped against the kitchen floor, startling Heidi.

"Where are you going, sweetheart?"

Evan grabbed his sweatshirt and the car keys off the hook. "The Murphy's house. I'll be back soon."

It was Cynthia who had answered the door, which, as you can expect, didn't thrill him. She was a startling sight-overnight, Cynthia had transformed from a yoga-pants wearing soccer mom to a high-end griever. When she answered the door she was wearing black, pleated pants, a white shirt, and a black pull-over. "E-Evan? What are you doing here?" she asked, shielding her eyes from the harsh daylight.

Suddenly, Evan felt very stupid. He wondered if it would be impossible for him to simply turn and leave. Instead, he took a breath and held up the paper he had ripped from the yearbook.

"I was wondering if I could stop in Connor's room for a minute."

As it turns out, Connor owned a copy of every book on his list. Go figure. And Evan had made it his mission to read all of them, though he wasn't sure when he was bothering. Maybe because he hoped he would learn something about Connor through his favorite novels? Maybe he was bored? Or maybe he was just lonely.

Now, Evan pulled Connor's number-one book out of his backpack. He was skipping around on the list, but he only had two more left.

"It's...er, it's _The Little Prince_. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I thought this was a children's book?" he peered at the novel, holding it in one hand. "I guess it's thick enough to count as a novel if the text is small?"

He looked back at Matt for a reaction, before quickly remembering. His heart sank.

Matt's sunset-hair was askew on his pillow, and his freckled cheeks were as pale as death. Evan didn't like that simile, but it was true. Not only that, but he was wearing hospital pajamas- Evan was sure if Matt saw what they had changed him into, he would cry. The blue-green color looked sickly on him compared to his usual black.

Evan coughed, "So, um, I'm getting my cast removed soon. Tomorrow, actually. It's....it's exciting, I know. At least I can kill Connor properly when he get's back, right?" he laughed softly to himself, even though his heart was breaking into pieces in his chest. "Anyways, I'm just going to see how this goes." he opened the book, immediately raising a questioning eyebrow. "Oh. It has...pictures. What the fudge, Connor?"

"Evan, honey, is that you?" came a soft voice from the doorway. He looked over to find his mother standing there, looking as though she was set to fall asleep at any moment.

He smiled shakily, "Y-yeah. What's up?"

Heidi didn't answer immediately. Instead, she crossed the room to him, and held out her hand for the book. He gave it to her, blushing slightly.

"I-it's Connor's."

His mother nodded, " _The Little Prince_. I like it. One of my favorites, actually." she ran her hand through Evan's hair, and smiled. "I didn't really peg Connor as the type. Then, you know him better."

"I didn't either, actually."

They were quiet for a moment. Heidi wandered over to Matt to casually fix his blankets and check his vitals, and Evan ran his hand over the blue cover. He wondered if Heidi knew, or at least suspected, about his and Connor's relationship. She had to, right? It wasn't as though he _hid_ it, he just...never discussed it outright with her. He wrinkled his nose.

"M-mom? Ihavesomethingtotellyouandpleasedon'tgetmadthatIdidn'tearlier." he winced as Heidi looked up with a start. Stray pieces of hair fell from her ponytail and gathered at the base of her neck like golden spider legs.

"Of course, honey. What is it?" she sat down on the edge of Matt's bed, and took Evan's hand, squeezing it gently. He closed his eyes, trying to find the words. She saw, and nodded slowly. "Whatever you say, it's going to be okay,"

Evan opened his eyes, and swallowed. "Mom-I-I'm bisexual. A-and Connor is my soulmate... andwe'vesortofbeendatingforthepastfewweeksnow."

Heidi blinked, and, to Evan's surprise, began to laugh so hard she actually snorted. Yeah! Evan grinned at that, and Heidi covered her mouth with her hand, still giggling. "Honey, don't you think I know? You've made it...well, _very_ obvious. And also Jared."

Evan gasped, " _Jared_ told you!?!"

His mother winked wickedly, and grinned at him. "I would never give away _free_ Oreos."

She hugged him, and Evan buried his face into her shoulder. As usual, she smelled like Jasmine and freshly washed clothing. Evan was surprised to feel tears prickling at the back of his eyes, and he pulled away so he could wipe them away with the heel of his palm. Heidi pulled him in again, "Oh, sweetheart. There's no need to cry."

Evan knew that. It was just that he hadn't felt so damn whole in a long time, and so he let the tears keep coming.

After a minute or two, Heidi stood, brushing off her uniform. 'Well, I just came in to say that I can give you a ride home, as usual, if you want. Also," her eyes sparkled hopefully, "you never took me up on that Taco Tuesday offer."

Evan smiled, "Yeah, sure. C-can Jared come?"

Heidi smiled, and mussed up his hair. "I'll certainly invite him. I've got to get back to work. See you later, love."

"Bye mom,"

He picked up the book once more, glancing towards his sleeping friend. Matt looked so peaceful, Evan almost regretted wanting to make him wake up so badly. Almost. Then he looked around the room, at all the cards and chocolates and stuffed animals, and he knew that what Matt was missing was so not worth a few days of beauty rest.

He cleared his throat, and began to quietly read. " _Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book, called True Stories from Nature, about the primeval forest...._ "

~=~

It's strange how easily you forget small but important things when you have so much else on your mind. Like how Evan had forgotten how Heidi hummed along to the radio when she cooked, or how when a particularly good song came on, she would do a wiggle-dance as she worked. It made Evan smile just watching her.

And, of course, the intoxicating aroma of Heidi Hansen's famous tacos was hard to forget.

"What did I miss, losers?" hooted a familiar voice.

Evan turned, beaming, to see Jared strolling confidently into the Hansen's home like he lived there or something. Just like he always did. Surprising them both, Evan hopped out of his chair so he could hug his friend. Jared awkwardly patted Evan's back.

"Whoa, um, this is gay?"

Evan laughed, and let him go. Heidi caught Jared's eye, and winked at him.

"I do believe I owe you some extra black olives for your useful information, young man." she said, practically sparkling.

Jared shook his head, confused. Still, he helped himself to the bowl of olives that Heidi passed to him. "I don't follow."

Evan blushed, though he was more proud than embarrassed. "I told her. About Connor and I?"

Jared gasped, and immediately began to choke on his olive, and Heidi rushed over to pound him on the back. "Holy-holy crap!" he wheezed, hands on his knees, "When?!?"

"Today..." Evan was going to continue with, _in the hospital_ , but he didn't want to sour the mood by bringing up Matt around Jared.

Jared laughed, though it sounded more like a gasp. "Th-that's great!"

He hugged Evan, this time, holding him for just a second longer than necessary. When he pulled away, Evan thought he heard Jared quietly sniffle.

His eyebrows furrowed, "J-Jared? What's wrong?"

His friend waved him off like everything was fine, and pulled his phone out of the pocket in his jeans. "Nothing. I just...I have to make a call." he turned on his heel, biting his lip as he scrolled through his contacts. He threw an abstained, "'cuse me for a minute," over his shoulder before disappearing down the hall.

Heidi raised a suspicious eyebrow, "What was that all about?"

Evan thought about it for a minute, and then a grin slowly grew on his face. "I think I have an idea. Wait just a minute."

He took off down the hall after Jared. Behind him, his mother hissed a quiet "Evan!" in protest. He pretended not to hear, and crept down the hall. Jared was standing at the end of it, and when he saw Evan, his eyes widened.

 _Shoo!_ He mouthed, flush creeping over his cheeks. His phone's dial tone began, and they both jumped.

 _Oreos. Secrets. Con-spir-acy._ Evan mouthed back, taking a very Connor-like stance against the wall.

Jared rolled his eyes, relenting, and motioned for Evan to come over. He did, eagerly.

Jared's phone beeped, and his shoulder's slumped in disappointment.

 _"Hey, this is Link. You know what to do, so do your....skiddy boppity boo crap."_ droned the pre-recorded message. Jared bit his thumb. _"After the tone, please leave your message after the beep."_

There was, in fact, a long _beeep_ , and Jared cleared his throat.

"Hi, Link. It's Jared. I honestly...can't believe I'm still verbally spamming you." he laughed nervously, "But, yeah. This is the last one, so I guess I have to make it count. What happened at the party was my fault. I was drunk- _sooo_ drunk-but that's not an excuse, because we- _I_ promised _you_ , that I would never kiss anyone but you, so you wouldn't have to worry about soulmates. And that I would never love anyone but you. I swear I haven't broken the second half of that promise-what happened between Matt and me," he winced, "it was a mistake. A stupid mistake. I-I can't really explain it without sounding desperate or like a liar, but please, Link, _I never broke the second half._ So here's the thing, this is the last message, like I said. If you don't ever want to see me again, fine. But if you do...if you do, meet me at our spot. Tomorrow. I'll be there from two to three, and-"

 _Beeep,_ chimed the machine, signaling the end of Jared's time. He cursed, and balled up his fists.

"What's your spot?" Evan asked, suddenly feeling very guilty for intruding on Jared's phone call.

His friend relaxed his hands, and open his eyes with a sigh. "A parking lot. The one outside of _Whistle's Zoot Suits._ "

Evan blinked, suddenly seeing his and Connor's orchard as a palace.

"W-why? That place is disgusting, full of crackheads."

Jared clapped Evan on the shoulder, "We have reasons. And anyways, it hardly matters. If he's there, great. If he's not, I'll be mugged. Yippee." he said, sounding a little bitter.

Evan wrapped his arm around Jared's shoulder. "Hey," he tried putting as much confidence as he had in his voice, "Link's a smart guy, and he'll come because of it."

Jared took a deep breath, and held it for a second before nodding slowly. He shrugged off Evan's arm with a grin. "If you keep touching me it makes everything about our relationship a thousand times gayer sounding than it already does."

Evan opened his mouth to protest, but before he could, they heard Heidi calling them from downstairs. _"TACOS!"_

Jared grinned cheekily, and punched Evan's shoulder. He winced.

"Race you?"

"No, you'll beat me."

It was too late, of course. Jared was already off by the time Evan was finished rubbing the life back into his arm.

~=~

Jared opted to stay the night, because staying the night meant leftover tacos for breakfast the next morning, and that was simply too good of an opportunity for him to pass up. They were putting their finishing touches on the Hansen-Kleinman Minecraft mansion when Heidi finally went to bed.

"Goodnight, boys. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you, Evan."

Jared pouted, and pushed his glasses back into place. Without looking away from the game, he whined, "Aw, what about me?"  
Heidi laughed, "Yeah, okay, Mr. Oreo."

Evan glanced over his shoulder briefly, "G'night, mom."

She wiggled her fingers, and continued up the stairs to her bedroom. Once they could no longer hear the sound of her moving about overhead, Jared paused the game.

Evan bumped him with his shoulder, "Aw, c'mon, _'Mr. Oreo'_ , I was building that!" he said jokingly. Then he saw the serious expression on Jared's face, and his laughter died in his throat. "W-what?"

"You miss him, don't you?" Jared asked, surprisingly soft. The way he said it made it seem like more of an answer than a question.

Evan shook his head, and dropped his controller so he could play with a hole in the couch. "Y-yeah. I know I'm not supposed to, since he b-basically up and left with barely a goodbye, but I really do. I understand why he left, too! I mean, his father had just _died_. Who wouldn't need some time off after that? B-but I don't know where he is, and I'm really worried, because you should've _seen_ him, Jared. It...it was almost scary, how blank he was, like he didn't care at all or was trying really, really hard _not_ to. H-his father wasn't...the best father of the year? Larry _tried_ , you could say, but he-he never got Connor. And-and I'm reading his books. I don't know if I already told you that, but I am. I-I feel stupid doing it, because I think I'm expecting some kind of treasure map to fall out of one of them and lead me to him? And I really miss his voice. When I'm reading them-not with Matt, but when I'm reading them alone-I can sometimes hear it." Evan's chest heaved as he dry-sobbed. He had a feeling that all his tears had been used up. "I want him to come home! And I want to _fucking_ kill him! Even when I find him-I don't know, Jared..." Evan sighed, "He's going to be different."

Jared put his arm around him, "You don't know that."

Evan nodded, a lump in his throat. "But I _do_. I just...I just know he's gotten himself into some kind of trouble. I just _know_ it."


	18. EIGHTEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what a journey i love you guys?!?!??! wtf this was never supposed to get the attention it did. this is the last chapter! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THANK YOU!!  
> come yell at me on my tumblr: https://gaymemesrus.tumblr.com/

“Just down this hall,” Evan murmured, pulling on Jared’s arm. His friend glanced apprehensively down the quiet hall, but still, he let Evan tug him along.

“Is...is this it?” he asked in a hushed voice, stopping just outside the door and biting his lip.

Evan saw him hesitating, and gently pushed him forward. “Relax, Jared. It’s just Matt.”

Jared, not looking at all comforted, took a breath, and Evan followed him inside.

The room had changed in the past three months. Whereas there had once been dozens of presents and flowers, the room was now mostly bare. Of course, the room wasn’t the only thing that had changed. Evan’s whole life had shifted into a new kind of normal. In the end, Connor was nothing but a lightning bolt, and the destruction he left in his wake left Evan with one question: why him? In the wake of a major storm, there's nothing left to do but rebuild, and so Evan did. And he rebuilt his cities with even thicker walls than before, walls made of solid concrete that he wouldn’t allow to weather or crack.

As hard as he tried to push it out of his mind, Connor’s disappearance was still a fresh and smarting wound.

Evan hadn't talked to Alana in over a month, which is when she finally gave up on _The Connor Project_. They still exchanged mutual nods and glances in the hall, but kept a respectful distance away from each other. Evan still missed her, though. With their senior year coming to a close, he wasn’t sure that there was any way they could reconnect.

He filled his hours as fast as he could taking extra shifts at _A-La-Mode_ , where he now worked, and busying himself with schoolwork. He was building up quite a resume.

And though he hated to admit it, he made frequent visits to the Murphy home. He tried to help out around the house as best as he could, even though Cynthia insisted he didn't need to. She was working herself to the bone these days-Larry’s life insurance could only stretch so far, after all. She spent most of her time working the cash register at the local grocery store or as a waitress at Pizza Hut. Evan wished he could do more to help. He had grown up seeing how hard being a single mother could be on a person. The more he got to know Cynthia, the more human she seemed. Zoe kept herself busy, too, so Evan never saw much of her.

“Hey, Ev? You okay?” someone said softly. Evan snapped out of his daze, and plastered on a grin.

“I’m fine, Matt. How’re you feeling?”

Matt shrugged, and stretched his arms over his head. “I mean, for a guy who woke up from a coma only five days ago, pretty damn good. And strangely tired. Like, you would think three months was enough nap time, but _no_.” suddenly, he spotted Jared, who was basically hiding in the corner of the room. He grinned. “Heya Jared! I was wondering if you would come.”

Jared smiled feebly, and slumped over to them. Matt watched him, something like amusement flickering over his features.

“I guess we need to talk?” he suggested, sitting up in his bed. Jared nodded, and, after a minute of waiting for him to say something, Matt sighed and continued. “Look, I don’t like you. I mean, _like you_ like you. I mean, you’re a cool guy, but…” he made a face, and raised his shoulders in an exaggerated shrug. Evan laughed and took a seat at the foot of Matt’s bed. His friend punched him lightly on the shoulder.

“You act like you own the place,” Matt growled jokingly.

Jared’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, completely lost to...whatever was happening around him. He shook his head, “Wait. What does that mean?”

“It means that you and Link are perfect for each other, and I would never want to come in the middle of that.”

Jared _almost_ grinned, “I’m just...if neither of us has feelings for the other, why are we soulmates? Who comes up with this bogus system?”

Matt chuckled, “Well, if you believe my uncle, trolls that live in the sky.” Jared and Evan stared at him as though he was crazy, and Matt threw his hands into the air. “He does! He’s batshit crazy! And he used to be super smart, too. He used to be a professor at Dartmouth-that Ivy League school in New Hampshire-until he started gathering all of his ‘research’ to back up his theory. He actually had me convinced when he laid it all out, until I remembered how insane it was. We don’t talk about him.”

Jared hesitantly sat in the chair next to Matt’s cot, and Evan smiled. It was progress.

“Okay,” Jared prompted, “tell me _everything._ Link eats this stuff up, and he’d probably flip his nuggets if he ever met your uncle. Where did this theory even come from?”

Evan glanced at the clock on the wall, and cursed under his breath. He quickly grabbed his sweatshirt, and tugged it on.

“I’ve got to go, C-Cynthina’s waiting for me.”

Matt clenched his fist in a _rock on!_ symbol, “Later, gator.”

Evan smiled, “In a while crocodile.”

He turned to leave, but Matt quickly stopped him.

“Wait, uh, Evan?”

Evan stopped, and gave his friend a confused look. Matt glanced around the room, taking in the dead and drooping flowers, before looking back at Evan.

“Thanks...for visiting. And for everything. And, um, tell Cynthia I said ‘hi’?”

During his stay at the hospital, Cynthia Murphy had developed a strange relationship with the comatose boy. Instead of resenting him for Larry’s death, she felt bad for him. She asked for frequent updates from Evan, and even chipped in as much as she could for the hospital bill, which, without her help, would have been impossible for his grandparents to pay.

The corners of Evan’s mouth curled up in a lopsided smile, “Sure. See you later?” as he walked out, he thought he heard Jared not so subtly complain, _“There goes my freaking ride.”_ before Matt launched into his story

Evan stood outside the door for a minute and listened, steeling himself. There was one more thing he needed to do before he graduated.

He was going back to work at Ellison state park that' summer, and between that, _A-La-Mode_ , and whatever Jared had planned for him, he would no longer have time to regularly visit the Murphys. Every once in awhile, maybe, but not nearly as much. It was a major step in letting go of Connor. It had been months- _months_ -with no sign of him. Evan had to finally accept the fact that Connor wasn't coming back. And that his life could go on, without him, just fine. Just...fine.

~=~

It was evident as soon as Evan arrived that Cynthia wasn’t home, as her car wasn’t parked in its usual spot in the driveway. Evan was a little like a vampire in the way that he never liked going into homes of others uninvited. This was something Cynthia had slowly learned, and as Evan cautiously walked up the short set of steps leading to the deck, he saw a note pasted on the door. He hurried over, a snatched it off the door.

She often times left notes for him, just little things like _Mac ‘n cheese in the freezer if you’re hungry_ , or _Zoe’s in a bad mood!!_ but every time he saw one, his heart skipped a beat, because he always thought that maybe, _just maybe_ , Connor had finally come home. Or just stopped by, long enough to leave one telling Evan he was alright? That was all he needed, truly.

 _Damnit._ He was doing it again. He was there to say _goodbye_ to Connor, not to hurt himself by looking for him in every speck of dust like he had done for the first month after his departure.

Evan quickly read the note, which had obviously been written in a hurry. It was short and to the point:

_Running late. Chicken in the freezer if you’re hungry. Take your time. -Cynthia_

She knew what he was there to do.

He turned the handle. The door was unlocked, so he let himself inside.

“Z-Zoe?” he asked hopefully, in spite of himself. He knew she would still be languishing in her after-school drama club, but he hated being in the mammoth house alone. Of course, there was no answer.

His plan was to book it to Connor’s room, drop off the last of his borrowed books, and maybe take one last, cliched look around. But Evan found himself skidding to a halt in front of the game room, his fingers lingering on the doorframe. He bit his lip, and closed his eyes. The last time he had been in there was the night everything changed. They had been so happy, in those few hours, knocking down Larry’s old scores, cuddling on the couch with the blue light from the TV making an ocean world around them. He sighed, and quickly realized what he was doing. Evan straightened his back, and continued down the hall. Something tugged at his heart, and he couldn’t help feeling like he was leaving something of himself behind in that room.

Connor’s room was basically the attic of the house. The strange thing was, Evan had never actually been in the room until _after_ Connor left.

It was so easy to imagine Connor in his room that Evan had found it hard to go into, at first. While his own room was meticulously organized-almost painfully so-Connor’s was an explosion of band posters, forgotten clothing, and, strangely, calendars. Evan wasn’t sure about the last one, but it was true. There was a whole wall full of them. A good chunk of the door was covered with a half-finished collage, mostly made up of pictures of Connor and Evan, but a few of Link and Jared, and one or two of Zoe, as well. There were even a few screenshots of the tree doodles Evan sometimes sent him. _Used_ to send him.

Connor was an excellent photographer.

There was a bookshelf pushed up against the wall across from Connor’s bed. It was mostly filled with CDs, but of course, it also housed all the books Evan had been reading.

He clutched one to his chest now: number six, Eoin Colfer’s _Artemis Fowl_. Evan almost wished he could keep it, but perished the thought. Momentos meant memories

Evan marched up the stairs and into Connor’s room, preparing for a hasty retreat. This is why, in fact, he almost fell down when he saw someone sitting on the bed.

“Z-Zoe?” He spluttered, grasping the wall for support, “why are you sitting in the dark?” he fumbled for the light, and his heart stopped.

The figure on the bed looked up suddenly, dropping the baseball club they had been holding. Evan didn't want to let himself believe it was true. How many times had he dreamt of this very moment, only to cry upon waking and finding that he was only dreaming? But there was no mistaking the brown tired eyes, or the familiar, slight hunch to the figure’s shoulders.

“Evan?” Connor asked breathlessly, staring at him as though he was seeing the sun rise for the first time. He slowly rose to his feet, and Evans stood stock still as Connor rushed over to him. “Oh my God, _Evan_ , I missed you-” he gently took his hands, and Evan flinched, pulling away like he had been burned.

“N-no,” he shook his head vehemently, and took a step back. “What are you doing here?”

Confusion flickered in Connor’s eyes, “What do you mean? I’m...I’m home.” he reached out to him again, and Evan’s breath caught in his throat. Not like it usually did when Connor touched, but like a knife scraping up his esophagus.

“No. Y-you don’t get to-to just _waltz_ in here and say ‘h-hey how you’ve been?’. You don’t get to come in here and expect to find me waiting for you like everything is exactly where you left it! _Because it’s not!_ ” tears pricked at the back of his eyes, and he filled his lungs with a shaky breath of air. “I HAD NO IDEA- _AND NO WAY OF KNOWING-_ IF YOU WERE DEAD OR ALIVE, OR WHEN OR _IF_ YOU WOULD _EVER_ COME BACK. Do you _know_ what that did to me?!”

Connor swallowed, “I-I said I would come back,”

Evan laughed bitterly in response. It was a choked, painful sound. “Yeah, I know: _I’ll be back, Hansen_.” he shook his head, and look down at his feet, eyes suddenly going soft. He played with his shirt, and hated himself for it. His nervous tics really _had_ been going away. “I-I heard those words all the time. It was like I couldn’t get them out of my head. They...they were so _clear_ , that I thought-I thought I was losing my mind.” he shook his head again, and shrank against the wall, whispering, “ _I was losing my mind._ ”

Connor squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them again they were dazed and confused. He blinked, and pointed to Evan’s hand. “You, um, you got your cast off.”

Evan snorted, and dabbed at his eyes with the back of his hand. “Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Tell me; how does someone disappear off the face of the flipping Earth for _three months_? How could you abandon m-your family for that long, especially after your father had _just_ passed away _._ Do you _know_ what the _first_ thing Zoe said after you left was? _‘_ _Doesn’t think for one moment that we might need him here.’_ ”

Connor pinched the bridge of his nose, and spun on his heel, turning his back to Evan. Evan wasn’t sure if he was going to start pacing or start crying. Maybe they could both do one, and get it over with.

After a minute like this, Connor finally whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re _sorry_? That changes nothing, I hope you realize. I was nothing but broken pieces when you left a-and I’ve been healing, I really have, and now you come in and I see you and it’s like I’m back where I started,”Evan threw his hands into the air, tears streaming down his cheeks. “and I-I don’t know whether to cry or scream or kiss you! O-or hit you!” at the moment, he looked like he was considering doing all three. Connor finally turned around, and Evan was surprised to see that he was close to tears.

“I was at rehab. I was, really.” he explained, clearing his throat. Evan froze. “And-I’m sorry I left like that. I just...a clean break, right? After...my dad’s death...I can’t explain it. I just knew that it was time, okay?” he reached out to touch the back of Evan’s hands, and, this time, he hesitantly let him. “I had to. For myself, and my family, and for you, because you don’t deserve this. You deserve to be happy and loved, and to go to Yosemite and hug as many damn trees as your heart desires. You shouldn’t have been paired with me.” Connor shook his head, and squeezed Evan’s hand. “Zoe really would’ve been a better soulmate for you.”

Evan put his hand on Connor’s cheek, his heart clenching. His soulmate leaned into the touch.

“N-no, Connor, you don’t _understand._ I-I’m so...so _mad_ because you’re my soulmate, and you-you left me.” Evan shook his head, and waved his hand in a _backup_ motion. “No, not like that. I mean, yes, but noo. Y-you’re my soulmate, as in, I love you? I love you a-and, wow I haven’t said that yet.” he laughed, and covered his mouth with his hand. “But I do! When you left...it was like my heart stopped working. I mean, a text, an email, _a letter._ Anything to know that you were alive! Like, they didn’t give you access to snail mail there?”

Connor actually smiled at that, though it was a nervous one. “I did write you letters, actually. I just never had the balls to send them. I was never as good at reading or writing as you, Ev, and they all were _so_ stupid.”

Evan grinned, trying to imagine Connor typing away on a computer, or maybe furiously scribbling on a pad of paper, in the midst of a dozen or scary-looking men. “W-what did they say?” he asked, finding himself reluctantly softening.

Connor groaned, “Dumb shit like, _‘Dear Evan Hansen; life in rehab is alright. I like the yoga, and the sharing circles every night. But do my stories scare you half to death? So many people here end up sucking dick for meth’_.”

Evan, who had been laughing fitfully, suddenly blushed. Connor smiled, and kissed the tip of his nose. It was so small, and yet so familiar, Evan had to remind himself to breath.

“I missed your laugh,” Connor said softly. He hadn’t pulled away, but it wasn’t like Evan was complaining. “And your smile. And the way you blush whenever someone says something as simple as _jeezum crow._ God, Evan,” he hugged him suddenly, and Evan couldn’t help himself when the tears began to flow down his cheeks. “I missed you. Every day my aide would ask me what I was there for, to remind me and everything? And I always told her, _my family, myself, and my boyfriend, Evan._ I’m sorry I left you, but I _had_ to. I’m an idiot, a _fucking_ idiot. I-I wouldn’t be surprised if never wanted to see me again.”

Evan pulled away. It was like he couldn’t decide what to do with them, because his hands moved everywhere-from Connor’s shoulders, to his waist, to his face, the back of his neck. “N-no! I don’t want that.”

Connor kissed him, and it was better than the sun, the moons, the stars, and the all the trees in the world.

It was pure frickin’ love, which goes beyond a soulmate bond, which may or may not be decided by sky-trolls, and can be platonic, gay, straight, or can mean absolutely nothing at all, because there’s not enough oxygen for those poor trolls up there and they’re quickly losing brain cells.

Evan pulled away, and didn’t waste his energy by wiping his face dry. “I love you.”

Connor grinned, “Say it again.”

_**fin.** _


End file.
